Torn between wanting to know and not...

sunnydays

New Here
Sometimes I want to go find older people who kind of knew me when I was younger and ask who I was. Almost all of my memories before I moved out at 23 are missing. I barely remember anything about being at home, or school, friends....or who I was. And sometimes it terrifies me to think of asking, terrified to find out. I have no memory that would lead me to believe I led a horrible life. Yes, my family felt weird, yes there were things that were different for me than for friends I had, but not terribly so, right? Was there really something that bad that I'd lose most of 23 years?

The number of people who knew me at that age is dwindling. My grandparents are long gone, my parents died 20 years ago, oldest sister two years ago, my mother's sister and husband are gone. My sister who is 2 years older remembers much more than I do, but also believes something happened she doesn't remember, though she has no desire to, either.

I know now that I have dissociation. I'm with a therapist, and I've read and listened to countless podcasts and I don't think I have DID. I don't, currently, lose time. But I know now that I do have different parts, younger parts that I know are there. The past couple years I've starting getting body memories, overwhelming crying spells, panic attacks out of no where, intrusive thoughts.

I'm so torn between wanting to remember and not wanting to know. It's a daily battle. I'll feel like I'm on the verge of a younger part releasing some knowledge, desperately needing to tell someone - sometimes overwhelmed by a feeling that I was around some absolutely horrible people in my life. But she's stopped - either by a feeling of denial (nothing happened, there's no proof of anything horrible, things like that don't happen in real life) or everything just evaporates - body memory, emotion, connection with younger self - just poof, gone, and I feel like those feelings were never there. Or she stops herself - it's too much, you don't want to know.

I'm so torn between logic and denial. Why would I miss all that time if there wasn't something there? I'm exaggerating. Why else would I have these disconnected emotions and body memories? Something's just wrong with you - you're making up stories. Why would my sister feel like something happened, too? ... You just want attention, things couldn't have been that bad.

I feel like I can't talk to "normal" people about this. Things like my therapist suggested - having conversations in my head in "meeting rooms" with my different parts of myself. Parts who make me start crying out of nowhere, make my body want to hide in a corner or who I hear saying "stop, please, no" when a body memory comes up - and feeling completely disconnected to it all, like I'm allowing this part to partially take over for a minute while I just observe from the inside, allowing them to vent when their feelings inside become overwhelming. "Normal" people just wouldn't understand. Hell, how could they when I don't!

Sorry, I just had to vent my frustration. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

Sunnydays
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
If you don't remember *that much*?

*Don't.* poke at it.
Stabilize problems that hurt in the *now* about it.

As loss of anchors people (who knew you, family, friends of then)
Griefs (loss of childhood, sense of self, firm ground, others)
Numerous attachment problems
Self concept in day to day
Organizational issues and how to improve them
Disconnect between feelings and minds (likely playing out at SO many levels... not just lost years. In details too. Like I have 32 very real conflicting ideas about one brand of yoghurt. And 8 about other brand yoghurt.)
How inner people get safe.

Less hurting
And then not hurting at all
And then happy.

Because if people have no words at all and no thoughts at all and their only word is No it is very bad and need very lot healing.

In physical Out of there + Long heal
In mind damage the opposite: Long heal *then* pains concretes out.

And your whole body needs be as okay as can.

Or you need good outside backup.

Or Damn Good inside one, in absence of outside.
But damn good inside one still makes hard for the outside if you get it in your head you'll do just fine only on your own because that can be true but hurts heads & hearts long term.

Too long writing, shortened:

Don't risk your sanity chasing the past.

The past doesn't go anywhere... But you might.
 

sunnydays

New Here
Thank you, Ronin ?. You have wonderful advice!
Sometimes I feel like the past is chasing me, like parts of me want to tell me, but other parts of me are keeping them from doing that. And I don't know if that's helpful for any of us.
But maybe you're right. Focus on healing the feelings I know. Maybe if I do that, it will help heal the past and I'll accept if answers from the past end up coming forth or they don't.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Many moving pieces here...

1) Others can tell you who you were only limitedly. As they were there with you or alongside you or for you... but weren't you.

So the kind of verification you seek would still be incomplete at best.

Worse case, leave you with more questions than when you started.

Now with fresh depth of despair there, truly, is no one left to ask these now.

2) Medical. Was a neurological condition for that memory loss ruled out?

Esp since you say nothing to indicate the kind of horrible life. It may be straight up how dissociation to that degree works.

But? It can also be something totally else going on first.
First rule out organic.
Then move to psych.
Then move to psych, special cases.

3) Emotional regulation & stabilization and safety in daily life still come first, meantime and through all of this.

So skills to get and uphold and if possible get professional support for. If it needs to be more than one therapist or psychiatrist & therapist or a team of people, then so be it.

That degree of loss of something, like self, rates the support.

4) Things like that DO happen in real life. May be rarer, but happen.
With some injuries? Aren't even that rare.
With some cumulative trauma? Not rare either.
In some types of frequent hurting people? Also not rare.

People staying *alive* through some shit is major win.
Not losing their ever loving mind is an extra.

5) Stories don't result in that kind of functional loss. Not even if you build up lives on them. Or depend on them for lives. The ground there is real.

Cont'd later.
Too close to heart topic & I'm spent. So more with time. :)
 

sunnydays

New Here
Thank you, Ronin. Your words mean a lot to me, but don't put yourself in a painful place to respond. What you've said already gives me much needed comfort :)

Sunnydays
 
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