Sometimes I want to go find older people who kind of knew me when I was younger and ask who I was. Almost all of my memories before I moved out at 23 are missing. I barely remember anything about being at home, or school, friends....or who I was. And sometimes it terrifies me to think of asking, terrified to find out. I have no memory that would lead me to believe I led a horrible life. Yes, my family felt weird, yes there were things that were different for me than for friends I had, but not terribly so, right? Was there really something that bad that I'd lose most of 23 years?
The number of people who knew me at that age is dwindling. My grandparents are long gone, my parents died 20 years ago, oldest sister two years ago, my mother's sister and husband are gone. My sister who is 2 years older remembers much more than I do, but also believes something happened she doesn't remember, though she has no desire to, either.
I know now that I have dissociation. I'm with a therapist, and I've read and listened to countless podcasts and I don't think I have DID. I don't, currently, lose time. But I know now that I do have different parts, younger parts that I know are there. The past couple years I've starting getting body memories, overwhelming crying spells, panic attacks out of no where, intrusive thoughts.
I'm so torn between wanting to remember and not wanting to know. It's a daily battle. I'll feel like I'm on the verge of a younger part releasing some knowledge, desperately needing to tell someone - sometimes overwhelmed by a feeling that I was around some absolutely horrible people in my life. But she's stopped - either by a feeling of denial (nothing happened, there's no proof of anything horrible, things like that don't happen in real life) or everything just evaporates - body memory, emotion, connection with younger self - just poof, gone, and I feel like those feelings were never there. Or she stops herself - it's too much, you don't want to know.
I'm so torn between logic and denial. Why would I miss all that time if there wasn't something there? I'm exaggerating. Why else would I have these disconnected emotions and body memories? Something's just wrong with you - you're making up stories. Why would my sister feel like something happened, too? ... You just want attention, things couldn't have been that bad.
I feel like I can't talk to "normal" people about this. Things like my therapist suggested - having conversations in my head in "meeting rooms" with my different parts of myself. Parts who make me start crying out of nowhere, make my body want to hide in a corner or who I hear saying "stop, please, no" when a body memory comes up - and feeling completely disconnected to it all, like I'm allowing this part to partially take over for a minute while I just observe from the inside, allowing them to vent when their feelings inside become overwhelming. "Normal" people just wouldn't understand. Hell, how could they when I don't!
Sorry, I just had to vent my frustration. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Sunnydays
The number of people who knew me at that age is dwindling. My grandparents are long gone, my parents died 20 years ago, oldest sister two years ago, my mother's sister and husband are gone. My sister who is 2 years older remembers much more than I do, but also believes something happened she doesn't remember, though she has no desire to, either.
I know now that I have dissociation. I'm with a therapist, and I've read and listened to countless podcasts and I don't think I have DID. I don't, currently, lose time. But I know now that I do have different parts, younger parts that I know are there. The past couple years I've starting getting body memories, overwhelming crying spells, panic attacks out of no where, intrusive thoughts.
I'm so torn between wanting to remember and not wanting to know. It's a daily battle. I'll feel like I'm on the verge of a younger part releasing some knowledge, desperately needing to tell someone - sometimes overwhelmed by a feeling that I was around some absolutely horrible people in my life. But she's stopped - either by a feeling of denial (nothing happened, there's no proof of anything horrible, things like that don't happen in real life) or everything just evaporates - body memory, emotion, connection with younger self - just poof, gone, and I feel like those feelings were never there. Or she stops herself - it's too much, you don't want to know.
I'm so torn between logic and denial. Why would I miss all that time if there wasn't something there? I'm exaggerating. Why else would I have these disconnected emotions and body memories? Something's just wrong with you - you're making up stories. Why would my sister feel like something happened, too? ... You just want attention, things couldn't have been that bad.
I feel like I can't talk to "normal" people about this. Things like my therapist suggested - having conversations in my head in "meeting rooms" with my different parts of myself. Parts who make me start crying out of nowhere, make my body want to hide in a corner or who I hear saying "stop, please, no" when a body memory comes up - and feeling completely disconnected to it all, like I'm allowing this part to partially take over for a minute while I just observe from the inside, allowing them to vent when their feelings inside become overwhelming. "Normal" people just wouldn't understand. Hell, how could they when I don't!
Sorry, I just had to vent my frustration. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Sunnydays