Toxic friend's shadow is haunting me

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human007

Policy Enforcement
I took a nap this afternoon and had a nightmare about my toxic friend.

The nightmare started when I moved out from my country, to my toxic friend’s country. I arrived in his high school and I saw a bunch of female students gathering in a park in front of the school. In my nightmare, my toxic friend and I are still in highschool. The female students that are sitting in the park are having a great time talking to each other, laughing, etc.

I enter one of the class in that highschool and talked about random stuff with some of the female students there. We were having a nice time until they told me that my toxic friend, went to a class beside them and they told me to meet him. They also told me that my toxic friend made a video about me before I blocked him. But in the nightmare I keep wanting to see the video and keep playing the video, but the video always stopped in the middle before I see the point of the video.

Later I went to my toxic friend’s class. I saw my toxic friend and immediately hug him. He felt very uncomfortable and he looked like he didn’t like my presence in his class. He is not happy that I came and meet him. He scolded me and yelled at me and pushed me away from him. I want to sit next to him but he forbid me to sit next to him.

His teacher came and my toxic friend told me to leave. I don’t wanna leave so I pretend to be one of the student in his class and sit in a chair far from him as his teacher came and start the lesson. I tried to whisper to my toxic friend just for being silly and playing around with him. The teacher caught me and immediately scolded me and yelled at me. I talked back at him (the teacher) and said “why am I not allowed to talk? I have my right to here. Just because you’re a teacher doesn’t mean you can control me”. The teacher immediately mocking me and said “oh so you have the nerve to talk back at your teacher?” and he grabbed a short big wooden beam and immediately hit my head so hard to punish me. I was speechless and immediately in shock. It hurts so bad even though it was in the dream. And my toxic friend was speechless but not surprised, he said it’s very predictable and it seems that he doesn’t care to help. I get angry and scream to the teacher “this is child abuse!!! This is wrong!! You know you can be arrested for it right?” the teacher chuckled at me and my toxic friend said I will receive 2 more of the wooden hit, and he’s right. The teacher hit my head with the wooden beam again for two times this time and he is about to hit me again for the third time before I grab his wooden beam and took it from him. I hold it and I said “you think this is fun right? Hitting a minor like me? Just because you’re an adult? You know what, you’ll be in big trouble because I’m not a student from this school!!” .

The teacher didn’t say anything. The whole class was in an awkward silence. I immediately run my way out from the class while crying. I didn’t cry because of the pain and the humiliation. I cried because my toxic friend didn’t do anything to help me. He just stood there, not saying anything but expecting physical violence right directed at me. He didn’t have any will to comfort me or say something or help me. He just stood there watching me being hurt. Just exactly like what he do in real life.

I woke up with a bit of headache and a complete despair in my heart.

This is the first time I dreamt of this toxic friend. I figured that I may be dreamt about him because I still have a fresh wound that he gave to my heart. In my dream he doesn’t like my presence and seems like he hates me. And that exactly how he feels towards me in real life at the moment. In my dream I was hitted in my head with a wooden beam, that was a repetitive trauma from years ago when my sociopath brother hit my head so hard for few times and nobody willing to help me.

Me and my toxic friend:

I met my toxic friend 2-3 months ago through internet. At first, we get along really well. We have similar sense of humor and we both like Japan, anime, manga, etc. we like to spent time together by playing games, watch movies/series together, listening to music together. I thought I have met my bestfriend.

We like to flirt with each other as a joke. I never have a thought to date him because we have different needs when it comes to relationship. I want to be in a certain kind of relationship that might be strange or too much for normal people. Also, I am asexual and he is hypersexual. There’s no way the relationship would work. But then his flirt started becoming serious. So I told him that I don’t think we are both compatible due to those reason. He said he doesn’t care, he wanted to make it work. He said it doesn’t matter if our relationship stay SFW. He said he will learn about the kind of relationship I want and will be the best partner he can to fulfill my needs in that kind of relationship. He said he wants to “help” me. He said for starter he wants me to write a journal in a site where both of us are the only person who can read it. So I did it, I wrote a brief journal each days and in my journal I also explained abuse and bully that I received everyday from family and classmates. He read the journal but often won’t say anything regarding what I wrote there. He said he care about what I wrote but he didn’t want to bring it up because he is afraid it will make me uncomfortable. And I told him I would prefer if he talk about what I wrote there with me. So he do it, but only stuff like “sorry to hear that” “ugh I wish I could kill those people!”.

We would recommend mangas, anime to each other. But sometimes he still can’t help to not bring NSFW stuff to our conversation which makes me uncomfortable. He’d be busy with college and only talk to me to vent about his struggle. And then I decided to tell him that we should stop trying to make our relationship work since there’s no way it will work. There’s no way he can live with someone who doesn’t want sex. He was disagree at first with my opinion but then he agreed with me.

And then few days after he told me about his struggle. He still can’t get over his ex. He said he broke up with her few months ago, and then he felt lonely 2 months ago so he messaged her asking for company again. And then he’d told me that this girl would ignore him for days and come back to him only when she needs to vent about something. And ever since that, our conversation will only revolve around her. Later he told me that he wanna try with her again, he said he wants to protect her. But then he found out that she has been cheating with many guys from him. but he said he doesn’t matter and doesn’t mind to be in an open relationship with her. She is allowed to have many boyfriends as long as he know who it is. He give her rules that is very easy for normal human, like basically bare minimum. I told him that this will only bring hell to him, it will only hurt him in the end. He said it doesn’t matter. He started spending time with her more than me. In the end their relationship didn’t work because the girl is breaking all the rules, aren’t serious with him. They started blocking each other. Yeah it’s a long story and I’m too sick to write everything. But yeah he unblocked her and then talk with each other again, give another chance again, the cycle repeat all their lives.

And I told him I just don’t get it. Whats so special about her? She never ever treat him nice. But he is crazy over her so bad. I just don’t get it whats the point of hurting himself like this. But he wants to believe in a fake hopes that he and she made. I keep telling him to move on from her, block her, never ever get in contact with her. I give him my best, my very best. Even when I’m sick I still listen to his vent and do my best to give him advice. I’d send him links, videos, articles to help him get through it. But its never enough. He said he care about me and want to help me but he is unfamiliar with abuse and he wants to learn how to help me. I send him videos, links and article that will help. It’s so easy to research about those but he won’t even look at it. He continue to focus on his ex so bad.

I understand that maybe he acted that way because he have issues, or maybe because he loves who hurts him and ignore who care for him. But what he did to me was so mean. I gave him my best only to be thrown away like trash. We’d often have argument and fight because he keep hurting himself for his ex and won’t even care about me. Even though he said I was the only one that care for him the most and willing to give him the best effort. Even though he said I was “precious”. But he still chose to be with her. And what hurt me the most, he said he loves her. I just don’t get it. Everything I do, I do it for him. It’s too hurtful for me to see someone I care about ruining his live because of someone like her ex. It’s too depressing for me and often I cried thinking about this.

When we have argument, he’d often guilt tripping and leave me all alone while I’m crying and feeling super sad. He’d said “oh yeah, I’m too disgusting to talk with someone like you, right?”. Stuff like that. And often when he’s done venting, he’d leave me to do whatever he is doing and not asking about how am I feeling. It’s all about him only, it was never, never about me. He never care about me… and with all my help to him, all my advice, all my time I spent for him, all my sacrifice, everything, everything I do is for him, but it’s never enough.

I chose to blocked him from all my social media few weeks ago. But I still often thinking about him, worrying If I did too much. Worrying if I make him sad. Worrying if he do something stupid. So a week ago I unblocked him and asked how is he doing. He said he is doing okay. I told him I apologize for blocking him and explained the reason why. He said he understands but he won’t apologize for what he said and won’t bringing it up because we are just compatible like that. I said “okay… I hope you will never talk to her anymore”

And then he asked me if I have found my perfect partner. I said “not yet, I am not looking for a partner at the moment” and he said he wish I will find the “perfect” partner soon because I deserve it more than anyone. And ever since that, we never talk anymore. But I still see his Instagram stories, he’d often showing off his conversation with other person that claimed care about him. Can’t he see that I’m the one who care about him? why is it never enough? Can’t he take a minute and think about how much I care and support and put so much effort for him? it was never enough. And I thought he was my bestfriend. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we would play games together and watch movies together, forever. He said nothing’s gonna change, but everything’s change.

I tried to block him again few days ago, but then I unblocked him and add him as a friend again because I still worry about him and want to know how is he doing through his Instagram stories. Now I’m considering to just block him forever… do you think I should really just block him forever and move on and accept the fact that he really is never care about me?

I just want to have a bestfriend, but nobody ever think of me as a bestfriend. Anyone that I thought are my bestfriend, anyone that made me happy, never wanted to be my bestfriend. I was never enough for anyone. People that made me happy are aren’t good people. And even if some of them are good, they never wanted to be closer with me. Is it so hard to find a bestfriend? Everyone else have a bestfriend. I’m the one who doesn’t have a bestfriend. When I’m sad I wipe my own tears, pat my back and said everythings gonna be okay. When deep inside I know it will never be okay. I’m so tired doing my best for people when they are sad but they never care about me when I’m sad.

The loneliness feeling starting to get me. I just want to be happy with a bestfriend. Is it that much to ask?

I just want to play games, laugh together, hang out together and watch movies/series together with a bestfriend. But no one want that with me…

Just why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???!! What did I do wrong? Why am I never enough? Why am I so easily to be forgotten. Why am I so easily to be taken advantage of?

I’ve tried myyyy best but why is it never good enough? Why I never get what I want? I always try to make people happy, I always try to not be boring, I always try to care for them. But it was never, ever enough. Nobody want to put as much as effort as I do for them. Nobody want to sacrifice as much as I do.

Why am I never good enough?

People said that in this life, we really are alone. We were born alone and will die alone. People will come and go and we just have to accept it because that’s part of life and in the end we can only lean on ourselves. But I don’t want that… I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to accept that. I have been alone my whole life and I have to survive alone my whole life, I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to expressing my anger to people who loved me anymore. Now that everybody has gone, nobody want to be around me anymore. I don’t want to be alone, ever.
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
It sounds like you don't want to be in a relationship with him but you also don't want him to be in a relationship with anyone else. It seems to me he actually wants to be your friend. Please correct me if i'm wrong but is it a possibility that you might not know what you want him to be for you?
What do you think that makes him toxic?
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
It sounds like you don't want to be in a relationship with him but you also don't want him to be in a relationship with anyone else. It seems to me he actually wants to be your friend. Please correct me if i'm wrong but is it a possibility that you might not know what you want him to be for you?
What do you think that makes him toxic?
Hello thank you for taking the time to read my post and thank you for responding to it, i really appreciate it ☺️
Well... It's not that i don't want him to be in a relationship with anyone else, it's just that the girl he chose is a complete narcissist and he knew it but he won't leave her, he won't accept the truth so he kept hurting himself for her.

As i wrote in the post. Me and him actually try to have a relationship but i decided to stop it because it's not working and will never work and that he just lying to himself if he actually want to be with me romantically. And 3 days after deciding to stop trying the relationship, he told me that turned out he still love her ex. So during these time he tried to be in a relationship with me, he actually not serious and have someone else in his heart. He just hurting me and play my heart. And in the post i also wrote that he only care about himself and only talk to me to vent about his problem but not letting me vent about mine and not asking about my condition. He constantly lied saying i'm precious, the best, etc but his action said the opposite.

He often leave me all alone at my worst times even when i told him i need him. And he leave me during my worst times only to spend time with his toxic friends and his ex. He know that nobody else understand and care about him as much as i do but he still throw me to trash. But me? I never leave him at all i sacrifice my blood, sweat and tears for him even when i suffering so much and crying.

He wont apologize for anything and he always think he is the right one. Even when i told him i'm hurt he doesn't care. He'd rather throw me to trash than throwing toxic people to trash. He also doesn't care about my abuse. Even though i was the only one that willing to give my best for him, it's still not enough.

I want him to be my bestfriend, but sometimes i feel like i want to be more as well. But that's in the past now. Right now i need the courage to block him forever and go no contact ever again
 

JRRTG

Learning
I’ve read your post, and also your other post that you posted regarding attachment. I’m going to say this with care; you say he is toxic however I think your behaviour is also toxic. I think you should take a step back from any relationship and consider your behaviour too, and where the desperate need to be wanted and cared for comes from. It is like you are getting mad because he doesn’t want you in the way you want him, and it comes across quite controlling to me. You only have control over yourself, and how you behave, no one else. It’s his choice who he interacts with, whether you agree with it or not. My advice would be, to take a step back, work with a therapist who knows about attachment and spend time alone.
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
I agree with @JRRTG . Do you have a therapist already? If yes, did you discuss those issues with your therapist? Spending some alone time is a great idea. Keep us updated, i hope you will find some peace:)
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
I’ve read your post, and also your other post that you posted regarding attachment. I’m going to say this with care; you say he is toxic however I think your behaviour is also toxic. I think you should take a step back from any relationship and consider your behaviour too, and where the desperate need to be wanted and cared for comes from. It is like you are getting mad because he doesn’t want you in the way you want him, and it comes across quite controlling to me. You only have control over yourself, and how you behave, no one else. It’s his choice who he interacts with, whether you agree with it or not. My advice would be, to take a step back, work with a therapist who knows about attachment and spend time alone.
In my other post i wasn't talking about this toxic friend.
How is my behaviour toxic when i just want the best for him to not hurt himself again? That girl have cheated on him million times, lied to him, use him, and leave him. I just want the best for him but he never appreciate it?
I'm sorry if it sounds mean, but i feel like you're invalidating my feeling. If you are in my position, i think it will hurt your feeling as well if someone called you toxic. I have BPD, but that doesnt mean i'm a bad person.
So he is not toxic and not mean even after i explained what he did to me...?

I agree with @JRRTG . Do you have a therapist already? If yes, did you discuss those issues with your therapist? Spending some alone time is a great idea. Keep us updated, i hope you will find some peace:)
I don't have any therapist. There is no free therapist help in my country.
Do you also think what my friend did to me wasnt toxic? Seriously...?
I have always spend my time alone...
Thank you for the kind wishes ☺️
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
In my other post i wasn't talking about this toxic friend.
How is my behaviour toxic when i just want the best for him to not hurt himself again? That girl have cheated on him million times, lied to him, use him, and leave him. I just want the best for him but he never appreciate it?
I'm sorry if it sounds mean, but i feel like you're invalidating my feeling. If you are in my position, i think it will hurt your feeling as well if someone called you toxic. I have BPD, but that doesnt mean i'm a bad person.
So he is not toxic and not mean even after i explained what he did to me...?

So I see both of you participating in toxic behaviors but not necessarily toxic individuals because I have a different definition of that. I think the healthiest thing to do here is to back off. People are going to choose who they will be around whether you like it or not. And the more you push him to not see her the more he will be driven to see her. So, back off from him and work on yourself so you both aren’t creating a toxic environment for each other.

Also I agree that a therapist would be a really good idea, even if they aren’t free. They rarely are.

How is my behaviour toxic when i just want the best for him to not hurt himself again? That girl have cheated on him million times, lied to him, use him, and leave him. I just want the best for him but he never appreciate it?
Sure, you can care about a friend and not wanting them to be hurt, that’s fine, but from what you have put in your post, it seems a little more than caring, you appear to be caring too much which pushes it into codependency. Of course it hurts to hear your behaviours are toxic, but we all have toxic behaviours and if you truly want to understand your situation, which certainly do have a lot to do with the attachment post you previously posted, you have to accept that it isn’t always the other person that’s causing the problems.

Im feeling like you’re taking my responses a little too personally, when you asked for advice based on what you wrote. I’m sorry you feel invalidated however, this is simply my advice, your choice whether you accept it.

My response wasn’t about whether his behaviour is toxic or not, but it takes two to tango and I don’t think either of you are very compatible for friendship or a relationship.
 
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PTSDisaster

Confident
I don't have any therapist. There is no free therapist help in my country.
Do you also think what my friend did to me wasnt toxic? Seriously...?
I have always spend my time alone...
Thank you for the kind wishes ☺️
What country are you from if I may ask?
No I didn't say his behavior is not toxic, but I also won't say it is because I wasn't there. I can only see from what you are writing that it is a good thing to look for a professional so that there is someone who can help you with these attachment issues. I also don't want you to feel invalidated or attacked, I think we all want to help yóu to feel better eventually. We can't give your friend insight or advise or change the way he behaves, but you're reaching out to get advise and I agree that the best advise would be to find a therapist.
There will always be people that behave in a way we don't like, but it's up to you what you would like to do with it.

I also have toxic traits, probably a lot. So please don't feel bad about yourself, no one is perfect. :)
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
So I see both of you participating in toxic behaviors but not necessarily toxic individuals because I have a different definition of that. I think the healthiest thing to do here is to back off. People are going to choose who they will be around whether you like it or not. And the more you push him to not see her the more he will be driven to see her. So, back off from him and work on yourself so you both aren’t creating a toxic environment for each other.

Also I agree that a therapist would be a really good idea, even if they aren’t free. They rarely are.
Thank you for the respond :)

I am chronically ill and cant work, so no money no therapist. Thank you for the suggestion though.

Sure, you can care about a friend and not wanting them to be hurt, that’s fine, but from what you have put in your post, it seems a little more than caring, you appear to be caring too much which pushes it into codependency. Of course it hurts to hear your behaviours are toxic, but we all have toxic behaviours and if you truly want to understand your situation, which certainly do have a lot to do with the attachment post you previously posted, you have to accept that it isn’t always the other person that’s causing the problems.
Im feeling like you’re taking my responses a little too personally, when you asked for advice based on what you wrote. I’m sorry you feel invalidated however, this is simply my advice, your choice whether you accept it.
My response wasn’t about whether his behaviour is toxic or not, but it takes two to tango and I don’t think either of you are very compatible for friendship or a relationship.
yeah it's definitely not his fault, only my fault.
Thank you for the response though :) hope you have a nice day :)

What country are you from if I may ask?
No I didn't say his behavior is not toxic, but I also won't say it is because I wasn't there. I can only see from what you are writing that it is a good thing to look for a professional so that there is someone who can help you with these attachment issues. I also don't want you to feel invalidated or attacked, I think we all want to help yóu to feel better eventually. We can't give your friend insight or advise or change the way he behaves, but you're reaching out to get advise and I agree that the best advise would be to find a therapist.
There will always be people that behave in a way we don't like, but it's up to you what you would like to do with it.

I also have toxic traits, probably a lot. So please don't feel bad about yourself, no one is perfect. :)
Indonesia :)
Don't worry i never lie about what i said here >,< its based on truth only >,<
Thank you for the reassurance ^-^
Yeah i have talked to some psychiatrist and "fake" therapist before, not about this attachment issuss but about my abuse history.
And no one or no organization willing to help. I’ve tried everything. I talked to school counselor. I talked to free "fake" therapist who support victim of abuse. I talked to everyone. I talked to psychiatrist. But nobody believe me. No one. They all sided with abusers. child protective services, they wont listen to me and i am not able to input a report since i already passed 16 years old. There is no such a thing like Non profit lawyer in my country, i have researched about it. I haven't tried Domestic abuse non profit organization since i'm still traumatized from opening up from an association that claimed themselves as non profit women and child's protection. It scares me the most to be called liar again, for my story to be underestimated again.

i remember a while ago i went to a psychiatrist and after sharing my story from beginning to an end while i also explain about BPD, OCD, PTSD, ADHD. The psychiatrist looks CONFUSED. the psychiatrist doesn't understand what is BPD, OCD, PTSD, ADHD. She only knows depression and anxiety so she only gave me medicine for anxiety which didn't work and only gives me bad side effect by the way. She also invalidate my feeling and my abuse story. She wasn't willing to help me when i was in urgent situation. I stopped going to her.

And then i try to call national suicide hotlines when i was in crisis and they won't answer my calls until the third time and i try to explain to them about what i've been through and my mental illnesses and they only said "sorry to hear that" and THAT'S IT. what????????? are these people even licensed to deal with mentally ill people? this is invalidating people's feeling in so many levels.

And then i talked to an association that claimed to care and helping women of victim of abuse. They sent one of their counselor to have a session to me through phone calls. And this person...... i can assure you this person is only a psychology student and not an actual counselor/therapist that have been licensed. So the "Fake" counselor i talked to is invalidating my feelings, sided with abusers and my corrupt country, and of course giving me useless stupid advice which of course not gonna work like she doesn't actually care to help. She told me to find some association that can give me place to sleep, live, etc... like she know it very well there is no association like that in my country especially for victim of abuse. There is no luxury help like that here. And she told me to find offline community of victim of abuse while such a thing is also DOESN'T EXIST in my country. Like... she isn't even willing to research for me. And then i told her about my BPD, OCD, PTSD, ADHD and she DOESN'T understand one single thing and told me to get a medication????????????????? what the heck?? does she know what she is talking about???????????? this is the kind of people they would send for a victim of abuse? what if that was my last straw?

When i was in highschool, a school counselor took me to her office and talked with me because she thought i was different than other kids (whatever that means). I explained to her about all my abuse while crying. You know what she did? call me whiny, invalidate my feeling, sided with abusers. She said that maybe my sister hates me because i'm lazy to do house chores and maybe my mom hates me too for that. i wish i can scream "MA'AM I HAVE CHRONIC PHYSICAL ILLNESSES HOW ARE YOU EXPECT ME TO DO HOUSE CHORES WHEN BREATHING IS ALREADY A STRUGGLE FOR ME?" and she also asked me about my dream and i said one of my dream to be a tour guide and she said "oh well... thats a hard job for a woman.. how about your kids? you can't just leave your kids like that" and i so wish i said something like "screw you B i'm not gonna have kids in this cruel, cruel world", seriously, a teacher discouraging student's dream?
And i also remember that she asked me which uni i want to go to and i told her i want to go to one of best uni in my country and she underestimate me and said there is no way i will be applied there knowing how lazy i am... like.. wow.. jesus christ... maybe she wants me to end my life, that was like immediate attack at one time. Typical people from my country. It's really no surprise anymore to be honest.

And there are some hotline too and association in my country that said they care and wanting to help people's struggle during this pandemy through calls or messages when they actually never understand our struggles and again, don't even research about mental illnesses. I've tried all of them, you know what they told me? "oh i'm so sorry to hear that, be patient and pray to god" This is so sick and i'm so done with this.

Also, if i think about it, there are free therapist here. but fake ones which do not have the proper license and training. Basically either a student or just normal people. They claimed that these people are free therapist but they seem more like peer counseling.

Sorry about the venting...
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
Indonesia :)
Don't worry i never lie about what i said here >,< its based on truth only >,<
Thank you for the reassurance ^-^
Yeah i have talked to some psychiatrist and "fake" therapist before, not about this attachment issuss but about my abuse history.
And no one or no organization willing to help. I’ve tried everything. I talked to school counselor. I talked to free "fake" therapist who support victim of abuse. I talked to everyone. I talked to psychiatrist. But nobody believe me. No one. They all sided with abusers. child protective services, they wont listen to me and i am not able to input a report since i already passed 16 years old. There is no such a thing like Non profit lawyer in my country, i have researched about it. I haven't tried Domestic abuse non profit organization since i'm still traumatized from opening up from an association that claimed themselves as non profit women and child's protection. It scares me the most to be called liar again, for my story to be underestimated again.

i remember a while ago i went to a psychiatrist and after sharing my story from beginning to an end while i also explain about BPD, OCD, PTSD, ADHD. The psychiatrist looks CONFUSED. the psychiatrist doesn't understand what is BPD, OCD, PTSD, ADHD. She only knows depression and anxiety so she only gave me medicine for anxiety which didn't work and only gives me bad side effect by the way. She also invalidate my feeling and my abuse story. She wasn't willing to help me when i was in urgent situation. I stopped going to her.

And then i try to call national suicide hotlines when i was in crisis and they won't answer my calls until the third time and i try to explain to them about what i've been through and my mental illnesses and they only said "sorry to hear that" and THAT'S IT. what????????? are these people even licensed to deal with mentally ill people? this is invalidating people's feeling in so many levels.

And then i talked to an association that claimed to care and helping women of victim of abuse. They sent one of their counselor to have a session to me through phone calls. And this person...... i can assure you this person is only a psychology student and not an actual counselor/therapist that have been licensed. So the "Fake" counselor i talked to is invalidating my feelings, sided with abusers and my corrupt country, and of course giving me useless stupid advice which of course not gonna work like she doesn't actually care to help. She told me to find some association that can give me place to sleep, live, etc... like she know it very well there is no association like that in my country especially for victim of abuse. There is no luxury help like that here. And she told me to find offline community of victim of abuse while such a thing is also DOESN'T EXIST in my country. Like... she isn't even willing to research for me. And then i told her about my BPD, OCD, PTSD, ADHD and she DOESN'T understand one single thing and told me to get a medication????????????????? what the heck?? does she know what she is talking about???????????? this is the kind of people they would send for a victim of abuse? what if that was my last straw?

When i was in highschool, a school counselor took me to her office and talked with me because she thought i was different than other kids (whatever that means). I explained to her about all my abuse while crying. You know what she did? call me whiny, invalidate my feeling, sided with abusers. She said that maybe my sister hates me because i'm lazy to do house chores and maybe my mom hates me too for that. i wish i can scream "MA'AM I HAVE CHRONIC PHYSICAL ILLNESSES HOW ARE YOU EXPECT ME TO DO HOUSE CHORES WHEN BREATHING IS ALREADY A STRUGGLE FOR ME?" and she also asked me about my dream and i said one of my dream to be a tour guide and she said "oh well... thats a hard job for a woman.. how about your kids? you can't just leave your kids like that" and i so wish i said something like "screw you B i'm not gonna have kids in this cruel, cruel world", seriously, a teacher discouraging student's dream?
And i also remember that she asked me which uni i want to go to and i told her i want to go to one of best uni in my country and she underestimate me and said there is no way i will be applied there knowing how lazy i am... like.. wow.. jesus christ... maybe she wants me to end my life, that was like immediate attack at one time. Typical people from my country. It's really no surprise anymore to be honest.

And there are some hotline too and association in my country that said they care and wanting to help people's struggle during this pandemy through calls or messages when they actually never understand our struggles and again, don't even research about mental illnesses. I've tried all of them, you know what they told me? "oh i'm so sorry to hear that, be patient and pray to god" This is so sick and i'm so done with this.

Also, if i think about it, there are free therapist here. but fake ones which do not have the proper license and training. Basically either a student or just normal people. They claimed that these people are free therapist but they seem more like peer counseling.

Sorry about the venting...
Don't apoligise, it's good to let it all out. For what I'm reading I think there's a big key in there what causes you to feel the way you feel about your friend for example. If no one believed you it will of course leave its scars and it looks like history will repeat all over again and again no matter what someones reaction is or will be. There's no need here to convince us what's the truth, we are all here to get support from each other.

Maybe you can start your diarie here (if you haven't started it yet). It seems to me like it will give you relief. I sincerely hope you will find a therapist that understands and hears you
 

joeylittle

Administrator
@human007 - It sounds very difficult to be in a part of the world where some types of abuse are labeled by society as normal behavior. From what you've written, it sounds like that is part of what you are struggling with.

But also, from what you've written - it seems as though you are getting very overwhelmed by your feelings, and getting stuck in them.

I want to recommend this book: The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook, by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley.

(The link goes to Amazon - so, you may need to do your own internet search for it.)

I don't think the important question in what you're experiencing has to do with whether or not the friend is wrong. Or to do with your question, "why am I never good enough?".

The important thing to focus on is first, learning to manage these feelings and beliefs so that you are not completely overwhelmed by them. And second, to learn about the connection between your thoughts, your beliefs, your emotions, and your behaviors. This is critical for learning how to manage the symptoms of BPD.

I'm not a doctor, but in my opinion - much of what you describe does sound like BPD. And you're right - it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It does mean that there are well-developed techniques that can help you with those symptoms, and working on those will help you feel better. You can also look for other online resources for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy - DBT for short. It's possible that there are some free online support programs dedicated to helping people internationally.
 
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