Sufferer Trans man w/ c-ptsd related to family trauma, medical trauma, and bullying/harassment

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rayzorblade

New Here
I'm not really sure what to say, but I'm grateful that I just found this website and looking for support.

I'm a 33 year old queer and transgender man living in Northern California. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD about 2 years ago, though now that I know more about the symptoms, it has become clear to me that I have been suffering from the symptoms for most of my life.

I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional and abusive family in which I experienced physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse/neglect. Both of my parents are hoarders and as a result of their issues, I also was very socially isolated and never had the opportunities to build peer relationships and socialize with other kids. To add to that, I began experiencing social isolation and harassment beginning in kindergarten due to the fact that I was visibly gender non-conforming/queer from a very young age. While in school, I experienced physical assault almost daily, as well as verbal abuse and harassment. I was sexually assaulted several times in middle school and high school by my class mates and beaten down by a group of 8-9 kids in middle school. I was also attacked at knifepoint by a group of students when I was 16 due to my gender identity and sexual orientation. The social isolation from the harassment, combined with my limited social skills from not having learned much from my family, meant that I only had 1 real friend in high school and no friends before that. Once I got to college and moved away, I found that the harassment issue resolved itself, but my social network was extremely small and I lacked the social skills and confidence necessary to make meaningful friendships.

My most recent trauma began about 3 years ago when I was approved for gender reassignment surgery. The recovery process triggered somatic memories of the physical and sexual assaults which basically opened Pandora's box. I began having flashbacks and dissociating but didn't know what was happening. After major surgical complications, resulting in 4 very traumatic surgical procedures, 2 hospitalizations for the PTSD and 2 intensive outpatient programs, I'm now looking to connect with people and figure out how to get help.

I'm hoping to connect with other people here because I feel pretty isolated right now, as my symptoms are definitely more active at the moment. I don't have anyone in my life who gets the PTSD stuff and I'm scared to talk to people because of the vulnerability of sharing these experiences. I don't want to end up in the hospital again and wish I could regain some sense of normalcy about my life and learn how to do all the things I never did learn as a kid.

So...hi.
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
Hello, and welcome :)

This is a fantastic start.

Please no that no matter what, you aren’t alone. And that you’re brave for looking for help at all. I’m so glad you found us!

I lived with a hoarder as well. And, though I never really talk about it here, I understand how nonconforming gender and sexuality can screw up even early childhood. I suppose I don’t need to explain.

Again, I’m glad you found us. Welcome :)
 

Esterio

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Razorblade

Welcome. Sorry for all that you had to go through to need a site like this. I am proud of you for having the courage to first know you need to connect with others and then to reach out and ask for help. You are a brave person to with stand all that you have. You dissevered none of it, Nothing was your fault. I'm glad you are here lots of support here. I am quite a different person now than I was 1.5 years ago when I found this site and I would credit my online presents. I found people that do understand. I don't talk to many out side of my doctors, therapist and online I found that for the most part people in person didn't understand and were insensitive to my feelings, I always had the thought no one would believe me any way so why tell them.
Again welcome
Esterio
 
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