Hello, wondering if anyone has any insight on something weird I’ve been experiencing during sex.
I want to preface this by saying that I have no explicit memories of CSA and have never been given a reason to believe that I ever experienced it. I do have sexual trauma which I have always assumed is related to some questionable experiences I had as an adult. I heavily dissociate during sex, go numb and lose all my senses. Quite often I’ve had breakdowns where I start sobbing and panicking and shut down.
Something that I experience, that I do not understand, is this odd feeling of being a child. It feels almost like I’m transcending time and being transported into a memory. But what is so confusing to me is that not only is there no explicit memory (or clear visuals) but there are no overwhelmingly negative emotions. Visually all I can recall is this blob of color almost like my eyes are fuzzy after waking up. It’s not even feelings that I feel persay because I don’t feel anything- it’s like my body is present but my mind is in the past. I don’t necessarily feel scared, I cannot make out any explicit stimulus, but I am in my childhood.
Talked with a therapist about it years ago who told me it was a coping mechanism- returning to childhood (safe) to cope with sex (unsafe). This doesn’t really make sense to me though, as I never really felt safe in my childhood. The last time it happened though, it suddenly occurred to me that what I was experiencing could very well be a flashback.
I had a mental breakdown that affected me for weeks-didn’t want to sleep & was pretty much in a constant state of dissociating. Months have passed, being on the other side of it, I’m not sure of what’s happening. I thought flashbacks were different than this- that they would at least be accompanied by some level of self-awareness or understanding. I know about body flashbacks and implicit memories, I'm just wondering if they're ever this limited?
Has anyone experienced anything like this before or have any insight?
I want to preface this by saying that I have no explicit memories of CSA and have never been given a reason to believe that I ever experienced it. I do have sexual trauma which I have always assumed is related to some questionable experiences I had as an adult. I heavily dissociate during sex, go numb and lose all my senses. Quite often I’ve had breakdowns where I start sobbing and panicking and shut down.
Something that I experience, that I do not understand, is this odd feeling of being a child. It feels almost like I’m transcending time and being transported into a memory. But what is so confusing to me is that not only is there no explicit memory (or clear visuals) but there are no overwhelmingly negative emotions. Visually all I can recall is this blob of color almost like my eyes are fuzzy after waking up. It’s not even feelings that I feel persay because I don’t feel anything- it’s like my body is present but my mind is in the past. I don’t necessarily feel scared, I cannot make out any explicit stimulus, but I am in my childhood.
Talked with a therapist about it years ago who told me it was a coping mechanism- returning to childhood (safe) to cope with sex (unsafe). This doesn’t really make sense to me though, as I never really felt safe in my childhood. The last time it happened though, it suddenly occurred to me that what I was experiencing could very well be a flashback.
I had a mental breakdown that affected me for weeks-didn’t want to sleep & was pretty much in a constant state of dissociating. Months have passed, being on the other side of it, I’m not sure of what’s happening. I thought flashbacks were different than this- that they would at least be accompanied by some level of self-awareness or understanding. I know about body flashbacks and implicit memories, I'm just wondering if they're ever this limited?
Has anyone experienced anything like this before or have any insight?