Trauma and suicide

mylunareclipse

MyPTSD Pro
What is it about trauma that makes us want to kill ourselves?
Since I was 11 I have been relentless about trying to commit suicide. The possibility always there. Not too far on from my mind.
I thought it was just who I was.
7 years in therapy and I am starting to think maybe it has something to do with my memories of CSA.
Maybe I see a correlation? Because others have?
But causation? Why? Why does trauma, especially in childhood, make us suicidal?
 

prynne

Confident
For me, it's a fantasy of escaping from all of the PTSD things that are hard to deal with. Part of me always thinks that it's the logical choice to kill myself because then I won't be in pain anymore. Don't have to deal with flashbacks if I'm dead. I would be taking control of my own life instead of everything being dictated by those people who hurt me. But if I did it, I obviously wouldn't have a life to be in control of anymore. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with these thoughts and feelings
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Escaping the abuse first and then then the forever flashbacks remind me I’m a loser.. I have developed more coping mechanisms but suicide thoughts is my default.

I’m only a loser in this fake world. In the real world beyond death I am loved by my real family. Now I want death to bring me home.
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I haven't had the same level as others about this, in that it hasn't been a prolonged lived experience but short bursts of it in certain moments.

For me, I never knew how to deal with emotions. So emotions quickly become overwhelming. Traumatic feelings immediately become too much. I need the emotions to end. I don't know how to end emotions. So I need to end me.

My T said to me that feeling suicidal is losing us in relationship to others. Because it is very isolating. And I link that to trauma too. That was isolating.
 

mylunareclipse

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you all for sharing.
For me, I am starting to realize that it’s similar to what @Weemie mentioned. This comforting thought that suicide could always be an escape.
The other aspect of it is pain. When I am deep in the flashbacks/ body memories I can see that the pain the little girl endured was so big, that she had no choice but to want to be gone over and over again. I guess then in life whenever things felt painful / wrong the instinct was to escape, to die, no more pain. Even though the situation was often disproportionate to the feeling of dying. But to the little girl, in some ways, it’s almost like I wish I could give her death so she can stop suffering. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I want to kill the little girl. Is that I want to save her from the pain finally.
 
I would say I had it 4 times in my life: 1st, I could not bear the guilt for what I did/ didn't do (attempted twice), though also dealing with the symptomology on top of it; 2nd time I couldn't stand my life, the lack of quality in it, or any future, but persevered , more for others, 3rd and 4th were after what others have done to me. The pain, and fear too, prolonged is worse than death to me by now. Death to me is Game Over.
 
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