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Trauma anniversary

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Marvel545

MyPTSD Pro
I’m new to this forum & it’s the anniversary of my Moms death today.

Even typing that out I feel like I want to avoid it & run away! I feel anxious.

My Mom died 14 years ago suddenly. I was 11 & I heard it happen in the next room. I remember being in bed sobbing unconsolobly, knowing deep down what had happened.

My Mom was ill for most of my life, she suffered from an autoimmune disease which meant she was in a wheelchair.

I have been to the cemetry this morning & had a good vent, which makes me feel better.

I’ve been struggling to cope recently & have been having very passive suicidal thoughts. I would never act on them but it’s new for me.

I am in recovery from gambling addiction & also have misused alcohol in the past. This year is my first 6 months with no real compulsive behavior.

I do not want my life to be the same next year. I might feel bad on this day, but I don’t want to be in the same place!

I feel numb & nothing about the trauma today & I feel guilty for that!
 
I'm sorry for your loss. Anniversaries are never easy. Personally, I lost my dad a year and a half ago, so I know how hard it can be to lose a parent.
I totally understand feeling numb about it, and feeling guilty about feeling numb. I struggle with that around anniversaries a lot. It's not unusual, and it certainly doesn't reflect poorly on you.
You're not alone. We're here for you.
 
Hey @Marvel545 I am glad you decided to post here. Today has been really difficult for you.

It is good that you could go to the cemetery today and let some of that stuff you are holding in out. Grief is such a long process.

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood with your mother being so ill and then losing her. It's ok to be sad about how hard growing up with a mum who couldn't be like other kids mother's. That makes her special and even more precious in many ways. And harder to lose.

You loved her and your life altered drastically after she passed away. So it isn't just losing your mother you grieve for...maybe it's the stability and predictability that she helped provide you with while she was alive. Children thrive on this. So there is a lot going on with this anniversary besides the loss of your mother hey?

I was 11 & I heard it happen in the next room. I remember being in bed sobbing unconsolobly

I cannot even begin to imagine having this memory as your last memory of your mother. Somebody should have been with you at this time. Someone should have taken you in their arms and hugged you and cried with you. It wasn't going to bring you mother back but it is a time at such a young age, when you really do know what death is, the finality of it all, and having nobody to just hang on to during that time must be a very difficult memory to confront every anniversary. Any mother would not want their child left alone at this time. I am really sorry you had to go through this alone.

I’ve been struggling to cope recently & have been having very passive suicidal thoughts.

Passive suicidal thoughts are not uncommon when emotions start to overwhelm. You have done some hard yards getting your drinking and gambling back under control...and these are most likely another manifestation of not really dealing with your trauma. Even with the best of attitudes this anniversary comes nearer and around it all goes again. So don't feel guilty for feeling numb. You have a lot going on.

I hope next year that you will be able to look back on this anniversary as a turning point in your life. You know your mother would be proud of who you are and how you have survived. She was obviously a very strong woman and she has passed this trait to you.

I hope you have someone who can sit quietly with you today and tomorrow and we are here too.

So hang on in there Marvel... you can not only survive your loss and subsequent trauma. You can thrive beyond it too.
 
Hey @Marvel545 I am glad you decided to post here. Today has been really diffi...

Thanks for all your comments, they are much appreciated!

I remember my Grandparents coming round whilst my Mom was taken to hospital. I remember not speaking about what was going on, but we both knew!

This kind of stuff is what I need to talk about on here & with a therapist. I am emotionless about it, but act out in other ways.

There is a lot going on right now. I took my Gran (Dad's Mom.) shopping on Monday & she was awful. My Dad went on about his relationship yesterday & when I went to my Mom's parents for my Grandads birthday yesterday, I didn't get asked how I was & my Mom was never brought up. My girlfriend incited an argument this Saturday just gone, so overall it's been a tough few days. People say that they are there for you, but in reality a lot of people aren't.

This is really mild compared to what my life used to be like. I am surrounded by dominant characters who are narcissistic & supress the emotions of the people around them.

I can talk logically about my problems & the solutions to them, but actually doing something about it & coping with it is another matter.

I think this forum is great & I believe the first step for me is to read a lot & post on here! I know I can do it, I've been in recovery from gambling addiction for pretty much 6 years. I had one slip a couple of years ago, but it was a single bet for a nominal amount. If I can do that, I can heal myself! My problems with alcohol were nowhere near as bad as gambling but they still weren't great!
 
You have a hard job in front of you, I know as I've been there myself. But I can give you two pointers that I feel will help you immensely-
1. Quit paying attention to anniversary dates. Anniversaries are for events we want to remember, only.
2. Keep on keeping on. If you don't keep putting one foot in front of the other and going forward, you'll only regress and your previous efforts will be for naught.
 
With respect @cactus_jack - I disagree. There are plenty of anniversaries that are difficult to cope with or attend to but should be remembered. The passing of one's loved parent is a time to honour their life not just their death.
 
it does get better. My mother died when I was 11 too, brain tumor.

An event like that changes your life, I cant begin to list all the ways it changed mine, I cant imagine the limits of how much worse it could have been for me or someone else, at the same time I cant imagine anyone coming through it unscathed.

It has been 44 years this year, and to tell you the honest truth, I would have to pull out the death certificate to tell you what day. April, early. 10th?

I dont know if that means it gets easier. time doesn't heal, but it definitely marches on. Maybe the memory of moms death is being replaced by the birth and life of her great grand daughter. Maybe seeing my own daughters grow up to be wonderful mothers has made her loss easier. Maybe it doesn't get better, it just gets accepted and seen objectively from an ever changing perspective that I can't really make anyone else see the way I do.

This is really mild compared to what my life used to be like. I am surrounded by dominant characters who are narcissistic & supress the emotions of the people around them.

My father told me to go mow a lawn up the street that I was getting paid to mow every week the day she died like nothing had happened because "no one is going to feel like they have to feel sorry for us if we just go on like it didn't happen". I hope the pride he felt watching me soldier off to go put on my little bravery skit has offset the deep hatred I have for him every time I remember that and a thousand other things he did after she died.
 
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