ED Trauma, diagnosed borderline and have OCD and anorexia plus others..help

I’m suffering from severe OCD and self hatred and confusion and I feel like I’m going mad with what Is right, wrong or too much or too little, overeating, what is right or wrong to eat or too much or too little. I fight it constantly this to be just this perfect” person. I have a racing heart with tightness and which I’ve had most of my life (heart fine just if I try to assert myself, do the right thing, talk to others, stand up for myself etc I have a nauseating sickening suffocating chest pain)
I even don’t want to buy myself anything anymore but then I do. I donate to animal charities but don’t feel much actual “care” just want to be perfect. I hate this that I don’t care and further hate myself more.

I noticed growing up I had anxiety and panic and didn’t know why and people told me off and didn’t understand. I was sad and lonely and felt I never had help. Not from school or any one around me.

I’ve been diagnosed with borderline this year and cptsd and diagnosed many years ago with depression, social phobia, codependency and avoidant personality. I also got diagnosed with anorexia which isn’t right just because I’m underweight I was a big eater but lost lots of weight due to my bad math calculations and cooking abilities. I also believe I have learning disorders and some adhd or Aspergers (can’t afford $1000+ diagnosis) and processing issues like doing things in order,..executive functioning? Maybe just because I grew up all being done for me and still is.. but I think maybe more,

I am currently underweight and been in NG feeding for months due to severe fears of eating, which is now progressed to water (if I eat or drink I end up binging and can’t control myself). So I prefer to avoid food. The feed I’m on is currently making me gain but end up losing it when I go home. I feel guilt over the large meals I ate at home and how I’d eat massive blocks of chocolate, whole bottles of plant milk and just my obese past.

I’ve tried suicide a few times but nothing serious due to fear otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now.

I’ve spent most of year in hospital or clinics with feed and feel traumatised. I’ve been abused here, mocked and have had to make complaints. I feel like I’ve gone insane. My mother is my only family and she is borderline and abusuvs herself and devalues me and there is plenty of domestic abuse a phone line has confirmed with me. She is narcissistic and has abused me most of my life..Along with my stepfather as well..

I am unhappy at home but am unsure how to escape as there seems to be no way I can find. I have no friends and haven’t in so many years it isn’t funny. I end up being kicked off Facebook groups for posting too much or breaking rules. People think I don’t want help just sympathy, thing is I don’t know how to escape. I’ve tried many therapists for over 15 years. No one “gets” it and I’ve been abused or mistreated by all of them. It has been so painful and invalidating for me.

I’ve been tossing vitamins at the hospital as I feel it is adding calories and even avoiding pain killers due to calorie fears. Thing is, I seem to keep checking the fridge here despite being in high calories. I feel hungry a lot and I don’t know why? I never understood why.

I have headaches, hypoglycaemia, hypotension, memory loss weakness and even had bouts of hyperglycaemia and feel like I’ve gone mad. I went vegan which I did for health but didn’t do it for animals then became obsessed with no additives as cruelty free and animal rights but none of jt feels like me. But then it does as well as I do hate cruelty. But then I don’t care about animals. Then I hate myself.. then I want to love myself too and lather myself with lotion. Then I want to keep getting those chest X-rays (had so many this year it isn’t funny) so I get cancer and die from them (they are for checking tube is in right place)

Help me.... I’ve been on sertraline for over a year and tried turmeric and want to try ashwaghandha but I’m afraid of calories and mixing it with setraline

People here want me to eat again but I know once I touch food I’m out of control. I’ve tested myself and a trance came over me. I’ve struggled with this before. I can’t resist all what is in front of me. It’s awful and I make excuses. I’ve tried mindfulness and thoughts like “you can do it” etc over food but my heart pounds and I stress. I even gulp down water. I was obese most of my life up till last year and it has been a miserable journey. It was an accident I went this low. I am lost. I want to be thin and beautiful. I was teased constantly and bullied so much growing up for my weight. It was awfulEven though I’m underweight now and finally got asked out for once in my life, I’m unable to appreciate it with a tube in my nose stuck in hospital and self hatred. I wanted to show off in a bikini for thr first time in my life. I wanted to feel sexy. But feel I don’t deserve a nice bikini Nd spending money on thst not animal charities.

In a way I feel powerful for not eating like I’m brave. I even managed to fast for 5 days but that got me into trouble. I felt so strong. But then nit as I did take turmeric during this time and some sugar water.

I forgot to mention I also started timing my eating times. I never used to but I read you are meant to eat around 30 mins so I started that. So it gives me stress to chew slowly but I know it is right to do so. I feel sad and depressed I can’t resist food when offered or given in the past (sugar is my weak point) and can’t do the test where you rub food over your mouth and resist it. I haven’t tried it much but when I did my heart raced. Also timing was encouraged at eating disorder clinic which I think helped start this process in me (20mins was for snack times and 30 mins dinner but I think 30 mins is not enough actually)

I can’t cook either and never received help as promised, just mockery by my family and help never arrived for me (no help that was promised ever came to me). I find cooking stressful and confusing and my mothers mockery is hard and also she causes problems I can’t state here. There are hundreds upon thousands of recipes which make my had spin and I don’t understand cooking terms and measuring.

I felt sad when I found out muesli portion guides (spoonful!) and other stuff I couldn’t eat as much as I liked. Food and weight and bullying has been my misery most of my life.

I’m fully dependent on my mother for my needs and it is hard. I didn’t mean for it to be this way.

I know I’ll end up obese or overweight again if I eat solid food. I hate being in nturiticia multi fibre as it isn’t vegan and making my skin yuck and isn’t vegan... but then I don’t really care about animals otherwise I wouldn’t have it. I considered ensure but that gives me stress and isn’t vegan either and I feel I need to tip some out as nutrition info could be lying. I did this recently. Do I love myself over animals? I love myself too much. I don’t know who or what I am. I’ve never worked and csnr Drive.
I even have afraid if pills and Panadol! I had a vegan protein shake a few months ago and somehow I loved it so much I was all “f***it” and binged and ate fast and loved it and ate it like ice cream. I feel guilt over it still. I even binged at clinic and didn’t refuse the large portions they gave me (weight gain) and felt so much hatred after. If I did eat it wasn’t fast enough or too fast a few times.

I want to care about others but have lost love. I feel pain to give to animals or humans and deny myself money. Then I feel good for a while if I try to fight the pain. If I give to myself it isn’t enough and I still want more and more. I would like a new bikini and some nice things. I’m unsure if I’m giving enough to charities and I don’t want to anymore as I don’t honestly csre. I’m miserable and should end my life.

What is wrong with me. I’m miserable and lost. I’m a monster. I want to work amongst elderly and health care. I want to csre and deny myself as that is my hearts true desire. But I can’t be that fat monster again. I can’t let that be me again.

I struggle with self disciple, self control and have had all my life. I’m a typical Taurus.. fast and stubborn and want things done NOW. I’m impatient, love my food and foolhardy too (nit a Taurus trait I think). Help me

Please help me. I want perfect me.. or just a new me!

Forgot to mention I have suffered severe health anxiety when I was obese to the point I was living at hospital it felt... I also had religious scrupulosity. :(
 

Aprilmomof3

New Here
I also have a history of anorexia, several severe episodes over several decades. I did have periods of relative recovery between episodes, though. I have been on an NG tube several times in the past, but only short-term and never in place of eating food. When I was on the tube I continued to follow a meal-plan and, slowly, the meal plan was increased and the tube decreased to the point where I was only getting bolus feedings as needed. I was never on a tube for more than 6 weeks and usually only a month. After some safe weight restoration the tube was stopped and then, once more progress was made, the tube was removed. Relying on tube feedings is not a good thing in so many ways. The longer you go without eating regular food, Ensure and Boost are regular food as well as other food just so you know, the harder it is going to be PHYSICALLY for you to eat successfully again. Why do you think that if you start eating again you will lose control and not be able to stop eating? Really, that is very unlikely, especially if you stay in treatment. You need to deal with your trauma and what is going on to keep you stuck. Believe me, I get it, I know it is not easy and it is a slow process...but starting is the first step...committing to doing the work. If you have a good therapist you don’t have to move quickly, you can move as slowly as you need to move. It is OK. A good therapist will help you feel safe and will allow you to say or do the things that help with feeling safe. I am not a “good” client in that I do not make fast progress or share a lot, but I do show up, every session, and I try, and I am honest. Do you have places where you can be real and feel safe?
 

bellbird

Sponsor
Hey @Lostandlonely :)
Recovered anorexic and bulimic here (well, both are currently in remission and have been for almost a year).
People here want me to eat again but I know once I touch food I’m out of control.
This is your ED voice talking.
It feels utterly terrifying, huh? I remember it so well. Like this was the one piece of control I had over my life that I was just clinging onto with everything I had.

What your ED voice isn't telling you, is that you'll find other ways of having control. Ways that don't compromise your health. And ways that you'll actually feel content with.

I know that probably feels utterly impossible. That I probably just sound like another one of those people who tell you that this will happen.

But I've lived it.
I've been exactly where you are.
And through a lot of slow steps, I've made it to that place they always tell us about that we thought was some bs they told us to make us eat.
In a way I feel powerful for not eating like I’m brave. I even managed to fast for 5 days but that got me into trouble. I
I understand this very much.
I never made it 5, but I did get to 2 and that generated some very strong feelings of power and bravery.
Invincibility, even. Like I could do anything.

But what I've learnt since? Is that bravery and power pales in comparison to how brave and powerful you feel when you beat this stupid disease.


Thanks for reaching out to us.
I want you to know that you really can recover from this. You deserve so much to know what true healthiness feels like.

Hugs if you accept.
 
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