Lostandlonely
New Here
I’m suffering from severe OCD and self hatred and confusion and I feel like I’m going mad with what Is right, wrong or too much or too little, overeating, what is right or wrong to eat or too much or too little. I fight it constantly this to be just this perfect” person. I have a racing heart with tightness and which I’ve had most of my life (heart fine just if I try to assert myself, do the right thing, talk to others, stand up for myself etc I have a nauseating sickening suffocating chest pain)
I even don’t want to buy myself anything anymore but then I do. I donate to animal charities but don’t feel much actual “care” just want to be perfect. I hate this that I don’t care and further hate myself more.
I noticed growing up I had anxiety and panic and didn’t know why and people told me off and didn’t understand. I was sad and lonely and felt I never had help. Not from school or any one around me.
I’ve been diagnosed with borderline this year and cptsd and diagnosed many years ago with depression, social phobia, codependency and avoidant personality. I also got diagnosed with anorexia which isn’t right just because I’m underweight I was a big eater but lost lots of weight due to my bad math calculations and cooking abilities. I also believe I have learning disorders and some adhd or Aspergers (can’t afford $1000+ diagnosis) and processing issues like doing things in order,..executive functioning? Maybe just because I grew up all being done for me and still is.. but I think maybe more,
I am currently underweight and been in NG feeding for months due to severe fears of eating, which is now progressed to water (if I eat or drink I end up binging and can’t control myself). So I prefer to avoid food. The feed I’m on is currently making me gain but end up losing it when I go home. I feel guilt over the large meals I ate at home and how I’d eat massive blocks of chocolate, whole bottles of plant milk and just my obese past.
I’ve tried suicide a few times but nothing serious due to fear otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now.
I’ve spent most of year in hospital or clinics with feed and feel traumatised. I’ve been abused here, mocked and have had to make complaints. I feel like I’ve gone insane. My mother is my only family and she is borderline and abusuvs herself and devalues me and there is plenty of domestic abuse a phone line has confirmed with me. She is narcissistic and has abused me most of my life..Along with my stepfather as well..
I am unhappy at home but am unsure how to escape as there seems to be no way I can find. I have no friends and haven’t in so many years it isn’t funny. I end up being kicked off Facebook groups for posting too much or breaking rules. People think I don’t want help just sympathy, thing is I don’t know how to escape. I’ve tried many therapists for over 15 years. No one “gets” it and I’ve been abused or mistreated by all of them. It has been so painful and invalidating for me.
I’ve been tossing vitamins at the hospital as I feel it is adding calories and even avoiding pain killers due to calorie fears. Thing is, I seem to keep checking the fridge here despite being in high calories. I feel hungry a lot and I don’t know why? I never understood why.
I have headaches, hypoglycaemia, hypotension, memory loss weakness and even had bouts of hyperglycaemia and feel like I’ve gone mad. I went vegan which I did for health but didn’t do it for animals then became obsessed with no additives as cruelty free and animal rights but none of jt feels like me. But then it does as well as I do hate cruelty. But then I don’t care about animals. Then I hate myself.. then I want to love myself too and lather myself with lotion. Then I want to keep getting those chest X-rays (had so many this year it isn’t funny) so I get cancer and die from them (they are for checking tube is in right place)
Help me.... I’ve been on sertraline for over a year and tried turmeric and want to try ashwaghandha but I’m afraid of calories and mixing it with setraline
People here want me to eat again but I know once I touch food I’m out of control. I’ve tested myself and a trance came over me. I’ve struggled with this before. I can’t resist all what is in front of me. It’s awful and I make excuses. I’ve tried mindfulness and thoughts like “you can do it” etc over food but my heart pounds and I stress. I even gulp down water. I was obese most of my life up till last year and it has been a miserable journey. It was an accident I went this low. I am lost. I want to be thin and beautiful. I was teased constantly and bullied so much growing up for my weight. It was awfulEven though I’m underweight now and finally got asked out for once in my life, I’m unable to appreciate it with a tube in my nose stuck in hospital and self hatred. I wanted to show off in a bikini for thr first time in my life. I wanted to feel sexy. But feel I don’t deserve a nice bikini Nd spending money on thst not animal charities.
In a way I feel powerful for not eating like I’m brave. I even managed to fast for 5 days but that got me into trouble. I felt so strong. But then nit as I did take turmeric during this time and some sugar water.
I forgot to mention I also started timing my eating times. I never used to but I read you are meant to eat around 30 mins so I started that. So it gives me stress to chew slowly but I know it is right to do so. I feel sad and depressed I can’t resist food when offered or given in the past (sugar is my weak point) and can’t do the test where you rub food over your mouth and resist it. I haven’t tried it much but when I did my heart raced. Also timing was encouraged at eating disorder clinic which I think helped start this process in me (20mins was for snack times and 30 mins dinner but I think 30 mins is not enough actually)
I can’t cook either and never received help as promised, just mockery by my family and help never arrived for me (no help that was promised ever came to me). I find cooking stressful and confusing and my mothers mockery is hard and also she causes problems I can’t state here. There are hundreds upon thousands of recipes which make my had spin and I don’t understand cooking terms and measuring.
I felt sad when I found out muesli portion guides (spoonful!) and other stuff I couldn’t eat as much as I liked. Food and weight and bullying has been my misery most of my life.
I’m fully dependent on my mother for my needs and it is hard. I didn’t mean for it to be this way.
I know I’ll end up obese or overweight again if I eat solid food. I hate being in nturiticia multi fibre as it isn’t vegan and making my skin yuck and isn’t vegan... but then I don’t really care about animals otherwise I wouldn’t have it. I considered ensure but that gives me stress and isn’t vegan either and I feel I need to tip some out as nutrition info could be lying. I did this recently. Do I love myself over animals? I love myself too much. I don’t know who or what I am. I’ve never worked and csnr Drive.
I even have afraid if pills and Panadol! I had a vegan protein shake a few months ago and somehow I loved it so much I was all “f***it” and binged and ate fast and loved it and ate it like ice cream. I feel guilt over it still. I even binged at clinic and didn’t refuse the large portions they gave me (weight gain) and felt so much hatred after. If I did eat it wasn’t fast enough or too fast a few times.
I want to care about others but have lost love. I feel pain to give to animals or humans and deny myself money. Then I feel good for a while if I try to fight the pain. If I give to myself it isn’t enough and I still want more and more. I would like a new bikini and some nice things. I’m unsure if I’m giving enough to charities and I don’t want to anymore as I don’t honestly csre. I’m miserable and should end my life.
What is wrong with me. I’m miserable and lost. I’m a monster. I want to work amongst elderly and health care. I want to csre and deny myself as that is my hearts true desire. But I can’t be that fat monster again. I can’t let that be me again.
I struggle with self disciple, self control and have had all my life. I’m a typical Taurus.. fast and stubborn and want things done NOW. I’m impatient, love my food and foolhardy too (nit a Taurus trait I think). Help me
Please help me. I want perfect me.. or just a new me!
Forgot to mention I have suffered severe health anxiety when I was obese to the point I was living at hospital it felt... I also had religious scrupulosity. :(
I even don’t want to buy myself anything anymore but then I do. I donate to animal charities but don’t feel much actual “care” just want to be perfect. I hate this that I don’t care and further hate myself more.
I noticed growing up I had anxiety and panic and didn’t know why and people told me off and didn’t understand. I was sad and lonely and felt I never had help. Not from school or any one around me.
I’ve been diagnosed with borderline this year and cptsd and diagnosed many years ago with depression, social phobia, codependency and avoidant personality. I also got diagnosed with anorexia which isn’t right just because I’m underweight I was a big eater but lost lots of weight due to my bad math calculations and cooking abilities. I also believe I have learning disorders and some adhd or Aspergers (can’t afford $1000+ diagnosis) and processing issues like doing things in order,..executive functioning? Maybe just because I grew up all being done for me and still is.. but I think maybe more,
I am currently underweight and been in NG feeding for months due to severe fears of eating, which is now progressed to water (if I eat or drink I end up binging and can’t control myself). So I prefer to avoid food. The feed I’m on is currently making me gain but end up losing it when I go home. I feel guilt over the large meals I ate at home and how I’d eat massive blocks of chocolate, whole bottles of plant milk and just my obese past.
I’ve tried suicide a few times but nothing serious due to fear otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now.
I’ve spent most of year in hospital or clinics with feed and feel traumatised. I’ve been abused here, mocked and have had to make complaints. I feel like I’ve gone insane. My mother is my only family and she is borderline and abusuvs herself and devalues me and there is plenty of domestic abuse a phone line has confirmed with me. She is narcissistic and has abused me most of my life..Along with my stepfather as well..
I am unhappy at home but am unsure how to escape as there seems to be no way I can find. I have no friends and haven’t in so many years it isn’t funny. I end up being kicked off Facebook groups for posting too much or breaking rules. People think I don’t want help just sympathy, thing is I don’t know how to escape. I’ve tried many therapists for over 15 years. No one “gets” it and I’ve been abused or mistreated by all of them. It has been so painful and invalidating for me.
I’ve been tossing vitamins at the hospital as I feel it is adding calories and even avoiding pain killers due to calorie fears. Thing is, I seem to keep checking the fridge here despite being in high calories. I feel hungry a lot and I don’t know why? I never understood why.
I have headaches, hypoglycaemia, hypotension, memory loss weakness and even had bouts of hyperglycaemia and feel like I’ve gone mad. I went vegan which I did for health but didn’t do it for animals then became obsessed with no additives as cruelty free and animal rights but none of jt feels like me. But then it does as well as I do hate cruelty. But then I don’t care about animals. Then I hate myself.. then I want to love myself too and lather myself with lotion. Then I want to keep getting those chest X-rays (had so many this year it isn’t funny) so I get cancer and die from them (they are for checking tube is in right place)
Help me.... I’ve been on sertraline for over a year and tried turmeric and want to try ashwaghandha but I’m afraid of calories and mixing it with setraline
People here want me to eat again but I know once I touch food I’m out of control. I’ve tested myself and a trance came over me. I’ve struggled with this before. I can’t resist all what is in front of me. It’s awful and I make excuses. I’ve tried mindfulness and thoughts like “you can do it” etc over food but my heart pounds and I stress. I even gulp down water. I was obese most of my life up till last year and it has been a miserable journey. It was an accident I went this low. I am lost. I want to be thin and beautiful. I was teased constantly and bullied so much growing up for my weight. It was awfulEven though I’m underweight now and finally got asked out for once in my life, I’m unable to appreciate it with a tube in my nose stuck in hospital and self hatred. I wanted to show off in a bikini for thr first time in my life. I wanted to feel sexy. But feel I don’t deserve a nice bikini Nd spending money on thst not animal charities.
In a way I feel powerful for not eating like I’m brave. I even managed to fast for 5 days but that got me into trouble. I felt so strong. But then nit as I did take turmeric during this time and some sugar water.
I forgot to mention I also started timing my eating times. I never used to but I read you are meant to eat around 30 mins so I started that. So it gives me stress to chew slowly but I know it is right to do so. I feel sad and depressed I can’t resist food when offered or given in the past (sugar is my weak point) and can’t do the test where you rub food over your mouth and resist it. I haven’t tried it much but when I did my heart raced. Also timing was encouraged at eating disorder clinic which I think helped start this process in me (20mins was for snack times and 30 mins dinner but I think 30 mins is not enough actually)
I can’t cook either and never received help as promised, just mockery by my family and help never arrived for me (no help that was promised ever came to me). I find cooking stressful and confusing and my mothers mockery is hard and also she causes problems I can’t state here. There are hundreds upon thousands of recipes which make my had spin and I don’t understand cooking terms and measuring.
I felt sad when I found out muesli portion guides (spoonful!) and other stuff I couldn’t eat as much as I liked. Food and weight and bullying has been my misery most of my life.
I’m fully dependent on my mother for my needs and it is hard. I didn’t mean for it to be this way.
I know I’ll end up obese or overweight again if I eat solid food. I hate being in nturiticia multi fibre as it isn’t vegan and making my skin yuck and isn’t vegan... but then I don’t really care about animals otherwise I wouldn’t have it. I considered ensure but that gives me stress and isn’t vegan either and I feel I need to tip some out as nutrition info could be lying. I did this recently. Do I love myself over animals? I love myself too much. I don’t know who or what I am. I’ve never worked and csnr Drive.
I even have afraid if pills and Panadol! I had a vegan protein shake a few months ago and somehow I loved it so much I was all “f***it” and binged and ate fast and loved it and ate it like ice cream. I feel guilt over it still. I even binged at clinic and didn’t refuse the large portions they gave me (weight gain) and felt so much hatred after. If I did eat it wasn’t fast enough or too fast a few times.
I want to care about others but have lost love. I feel pain to give to animals or humans and deny myself money. Then I feel good for a while if I try to fight the pain. If I give to myself it isn’t enough and I still want more and more. I would like a new bikini and some nice things. I’m unsure if I’m giving enough to charities and I don’t want to anymore as I don’t honestly csre. I’m miserable and should end my life.
What is wrong with me. I’m miserable and lost. I’m a monster. I want to work amongst elderly and health care. I want to csre and deny myself as that is my hearts true desire. But I can’t be that fat monster again. I can’t let that be me again.
I struggle with self disciple, self control and have had all my life. I’m a typical Taurus.. fast and stubborn and want things done NOW. I’m impatient, love my food and foolhardy too (nit a Taurus trait I think). Help me
Please help me. I want perfect me.. or just a new me!
Forgot to mention I have suffered severe health anxiety when I was obese to the point I was living at hospital it felt... I also had religious scrupulosity. :(
