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Trauma Diary: How Did You Decide?

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So, I have been reluctant to start a trauma diary. I already feel like I share and reveal a good deal of myself just by responding to threads. In fact, I share way more here about my past and my interior life than I do irl. The diversity, anonymity and asynchronicity (since everyone's on different time zones) of the forums here have really helped me feel less alone. I've made a couple of really good friends, people I would actually venture out and meet if we lived closer. I'm just very conflicted about writing something so personal as a diary. On the one hand, the thought that everyone could read it and make comments freaks me out a little; on the other hand, it makes me feel like middle school again like, what if I throw a party and no one comes? What if I start to write and no one reads it or comments? Am I just setting myself up?

So I'm asking, do you have a trauma diary? Why or why not? How did you decide to start? How do you decide what to write about (if you feel like sharing your personal process)? Do you write about what happened in the past, or what is going on in the present (or both?) Do you write about the details of past trauma? What benefits do you feel you get from writing in your diary? Are there any drawbacks? And most importantly, how did you decide on a title???

I'm about this close ***holds thumb and forefinger about an inch apart*** to starting my own trauma diary/healing journal, but I wanted to gather some collective wisdom, first.
 
I wanted one, because of this post Link Removed All the exposure therapy I had done had been IRL, and it fascinated me that it might also be able to be done at a distance??? :O_o: How motherf*cking cool would that be?!?

I was totally unwilling to have anyone read it, though, so that's the entire reason I got a premium account, to begin with. For the "your eyes only" (and admin) aspect to premium diaries. Once I started it, though, I found I had a whole lot of nonsense in my head I really didn't want cluttering it up. Linear. Is. Not. My. Forte. So even just trying to do a timeline is something that is monumentally difficult for me. And my past and present were way the f*ck too blurred as it was. So I ended up starting 2 diaries. 1 private, for my past. 1 member-only for my present. And then (but wait! There's more! For only 19 easy installments of 19.99!) I was havin such a fiendish difficult time doing my EXP trauma diary, that someone suggested I draw it, instead of write it. So, now, technically I have 3 :P 2 on here, and 1 in a sketchbook.

I ended up having to stop doing my past-diary. My present has just been waaaaay to chaotic & unstable. Both in life stuff and PTSD stuff :banghead: So instead of sorting my past, I needed to shift focus into sorting my present.

1 million years later...

I'm still kinda sorta dabbling, at all 3. Because I know me. If I don't keep my hand in? I lose the ability to do it at all. I have a highly trained forgettery.

My present day diary I don't write "for" anyone to read. I don't mind if people do (or it wouldn't be in there!), I'm absolutely terrible about responding to people, even when I really want to, I've had to learn the lesson "drafts only exist for 24hrs IDFK how many times :facepalm:, and I have a few ongoing projects in there that are moving at glaaaaacial speeds. (I'm zippy! Woohoo! Watch me blaze through like trying to kill a man with a zamboni. Wait. That's not exactly fast, now is it? Well. Faster than geology. Zoom zoom.) shrug. It's my space. I can be all scatterbrained, social awkward, and inept if I wanna be. Or, you know, can't help it.
 
I have zero interest in a diary here, and I'm also not capable of reading them either. I started reading one and had a massive attack and decided maybe it wasn't a good idea. Never went back.

Now don't get me wrong, I write. A lot actually, just not here. I keep a chain of emails that go straight to T. He gets all my writings and has for the past five years. Lots of stuff....LOTS. In fact, it's how he first got to know me and how I learned to express and then openly discuss my trauma. When the trauma came out, my writings became reflective of our work together and the personal feelings and difficulties that I struggled with on a diary basis.

So much so, that he has HUNDREDS of writings. We're planning on writing a book together down the road. A memoir of sorts
 
I was on the forum 3 years I think before I started my diary. I waited until it felt comfortable. I started off journaling about my past but now after a year I mainly write about daily challenges and good stuff. I change names or omit them completely. The diary and support I've gotten from 3 specific people have helped me move way beyond my comfort zone. And reading other's diaries gives me hope.
 
I wanted one, because of this post [URL="Link Removed...

Thanks for the link, @Friday. I just finished 10 sessions of PE with my T, and I look at the trauma diary as a form of exposure. Actually, everything is f*cking exposure therapy, since I have never really shared any details about what's happened to me throughout my life.:confused:

I like your approach of having different diaries with different levels of access. I think I would be okay with the premium one that is by invitation only. But it would be a small group indeed that I would actually invite, and then I might be cutting myself off from some words of wisdom from unexpected sources. So, maybe I'll do like you, and have a second one for members. Oy, between that and my art journal, that's a lot to keep up with.

Thanks for responding, and sharing your process, it's helpful. :happy:
 
I thought about it but I decided releasing my problems from my head and having them out in the real world...

Thanks for your input. It's good to hear different perspectives. I appreciate it. For me, I just feel like I've kept things locked up in my head too much. I *want* to let it our. I want someone else to know, I'm sick of carrying this burden by myself. There's T, but I have to wait until it's scheduled. Here, because it's anonymous and asynchronous, I can just out it out there whenever I want, how much or how little I want.

That is, if I can ever get up the nerve.

Thanks for sharing!
 
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