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Sufferer Trauma takes many different forms - mothers illness, attempted suicides, & my illness.

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Emaedie, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. Emaedie

    Emaedie New Member

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    For me it isn’t just one thing.

    My mom got sick. Then she got sicker and sicker. And as she got sick she changed. She stopped being my mother and became this hateful, manipulative, hurtful stranger. She would tell me she wish she were dead. She would sit and make me listen for hours to how badly hers and my fathers relationship was and with tears in her eyes ask me, beg me to answer why didn’t he love her?

    It only got worse. While in college I briefly moved back in with my mom to save money before my wedding. During this time she was even worse. I spent hours with her, asking if she needed me, what I could do to help. Any time I would leave to go see my fiancé she treated me as if I was abandoning her.

    I would get calls from her friends saying I needed to spend more time with her, to be there for her. This escalated until that one night.

    The short story is I woke up at three in the morning to find that she had tried to overdose. My dad was on his way to the airport so I was alone. I called 911 and got her to the hospital. She survived but that moment is something I cannot forget.

    It didn’t get better, despite her therapy. When we went wedding dress shopping she got so stressed from a fight with dad she passed out on the floor. I had to put her to bed.

    Two weeks before my wedding she tried to shoot herself. Thankfully the safety was on. Two weeks before my wedding I had to visit my mother in a mental hospital where she spewed hatred and blamed everyone but herself. My parents were separated on the day of my wedding. The only reason I had one at all was because of my incredible in laws.

    I got married, and graduated college. And then I got sick.

    So sick I would work all day, and sleep for 12 hours. I also started having panic attacks. Bad ones. When I finally quit my job I went into such a deep depression all I did was sleep and watch Netflix for 6 months.

    After all this my mom is actually better. She’s back to who she was before all this. But my relationship with her will never be the same.

    I still struggle with the panic attacks. It feels like anything I struggled with before has been magnified by 100. I struggle to go out with other people, even my family, without this horrible dread. I break down to the point of wishing I could quit my job, quit everything. Not in a suicidal way. And honestly I just hate myself. I hate every part of myself. But mostly I hate that I don’t feel like me. I am a stranger. I will never be who I was before.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2018
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    Welcome to the forum. :hug:
     
  4. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

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    Welcome. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? It sounds like you need some therapy to sort all of this out.

    Good luck!
     
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