Trigger Diary

I thought I would use this to write when I have triggers.

This morning I did my full morning routine, meditation, breakfast etc. In a good mood then my daughter innocently using her mobile phone. There was a video of a young child screaming high pitch.

Then this set me off all the usual , hypervigilance, crying , upset!! So did my coping strategies , stretching , then meditation. After 2 hours the symptoms decreased and went to sleep.

This is a new one and was only asking yesterday about linked incidents , this is another new one. Now up, extra patience and self care today. This is another one to add to the list and explore during therapy
 
There was a video of a young child screaming high pitch.

This is one of my worst triggers so I deeply relate. Even when it's laughter/squealing, once it reaches that high-pitched child-like shriek, I lose my composure entirely. It's a visceral response && sometimes I black out. I'm so sorry that happened to you today & hope you can move forward and find some peace later on! Welcome to the forum by the way && an excellent start on your diary.
 
This is one of my worst triggers so I deeply relate. Even when it's laughter/squealing, once it reaches that high-pitched child-like shriek, I lose my composure entirely. It's a visceral response && sometimes I black out. I'm so sorry that happened to you today & hope you can move forward and find some peace later on! Welcome to the forum by the way && an excellent start on your diary.
Thanks 👍 alot. That is tough yes got through it.
 
So another vent, i had another EMDR session yesterday which went well and got through alot of things especially raw trauma i dealt with during my time in the police.

Today i was at my childs school, the children were singing in assembly the energy in the room was positive. Then for me i was feeling fine , enjoying my child singing, then the children and the volume increased with one of the songs they shouted at the end. I knew then for some reason i had been activated / triggered which led to a mild panic attack. Fear, did not feel safe , I tried coping strategies in the assembly, but this increased the symptoms. I had to remove myself , use coping strategies to bring my body back down. Today was a frustration but with acceptance, coping strategies and talking I came back down. I am still not at my baseline but understand i will work through it.

Just frustrating when I am in such a safe place, positive energy that this happened. My body the day after EMDR is still healing / brain is still re-wiring so I am always more vulnerable to things like this. This did not spoil the morning as went to see my child and his school work in the classroom, I ignored the symptoms then addressed everything when i came back home. I am in this constant battle but I not going to let it ruin an occasion like that. I am keeping positive that i must keep going and doing what I am doing
 
Okay so had another reaction was watching a programme in the background and heard a 'gun shot'. Started to get upset and hypervigilance set in, started to disassociate, tried to calm it down and then tried breathing , seemed to grow more and more feelin gunsafe.

This didnt take me back to a particular incident just it was more the loud noise. So started to cry, went to meditates combined with box breathing, urgent self care. The effects slowly declined over around 40 minutes until I returned to a baseline of normaility.

This has been a really tough week where it seems to that any loud noise , despite the vocal range for some reason I have an amplified reaction to it.

Another day other care installed was talking to my wife, went for a steady jog, along with a journal entry.
 
I had a rough night, i had several flashbacks / nightmares to different incidents.

I woke up startled when my wife put the light on, went back to sleep and they started again, i cam downstairs and they came one after another and to be honest. I wanted to boil my head and stop he racing thoughts.

I made journal enteries in my diary about all the nightmares and a common theme of Mental Health incidents i have dealt with at work and also 'head injury ' incidents which i had experienced myself and at work.

I was really annoyed all of the thoughts had really disturbed my sleep, there was no warning for them, nothing on the saturday had started the ball rolling. I was just fed up at 3am this morning and just wanted to get my sleep. So made the diary entries , had some water, did meditation and box breathing.

I repeated the words ' I am Safe ', ' I am in a safe place', I also used grounding techniques and using touch and other senses to keep me in the present. The incident kept coming back , the more i pushed it away the stronger the feelings became to i just let it play out.

This was quite scary for me last night because the main incident was where i had been assaulted during a mental health incident wth a male and i was in a state of shock. The feelings pain, scared for my life, shock, cold body, restlessness, hyper vigilance , anger. I have not had a set of nightmares like this in over 12 months.

I manage to get back off and woke up over an hour ago, again woke up with the all the feeling like i had just been there. So i immediatley decided that today is a day of slow down and self care. I have started with meditation, dairy enteries, warm drink ( no caffine), food, grateful practice, goal setting and I am affirmations. They seemed to have balanced me for the moment but I am going to just look after myself today.

I thought i was possibly coming to the end of the counselling, but my brain has put that thought to rest! i am determined to get through this. I am not taking this as a step back but a pause so I can process all of this new trauma which has surfaced, i am taking it as a sign my brain is having a big clear out of all these memories and thoughts.

One day at a time !
 
It has been over 2 weeks since i have had a panic attack which i am really grateful for. My baseline anxiety has significantly reduced. I have put this down to the EMDR working and my daily routine. I have also noticed, my resiliance , confidence, self esteem have slightly risen.

I have noticed during my EMDR that it has drifted into events that occurred in my childhood , i had several panic attacks as a child into young adolescence. I thought i was going to be coming to the end of my trauma therapy with EMDR but seems that the childhood memories are coming into it now.

I am open to the idea of these and keen to explore them but i have been having thoughts and dreams of past events that had been several years ago. I have written these in my journal and will discuss them in upcoming therapy sessions. When I had thought that I had climbed one mountain, i have found that i have been climbing another two at the same time namely childhood trauma and the other my other condition ADHD.

I have only gone into the realms of th other condition ADHD really the last 3 weeks attending support groups in person and online. Inadvertently this week i have been discussing my childhood with others during arts , crafts groups namely my childhood struggle with anxiety, depression, overthinking and feeling different. I have disclosed both PTSD and ADHD with no after thought. I am happy to discuss my condition with others and found that others have been suffering in silence without venting publicly.

After two support groups over 2 days i had realised that I hadnt told anyone (apart from my mum and dad) really in detail about my childhood struggles. Now this had been shaped my ADHD being undiagnosed for so long. I became upset and cried for around an hour each time. I felt lighter at the end of it but tired. I am positive that I am heading in the right direction with my recovery but feel now I with entering into the childhood arena these are going to be quite emotionally intense. I have not discussed my child hood problems in the open arena before , for so long the trials and tribulations have been long in my head. I think I have become more open and naturally speaking i have come into it. I think the emotional side will reduce the more I talk about it.

I am frustrated tonight because i have seen how much progress I have made but because of the other condition of ADHD , I have now gained deeper knowledge and acceptance that I have done really well in my life pre diagnosis but i have had to work really hard in all areas of my life with a constant anxious state which has now been partially explained due to the condition. Even though I am working hard for the recovery I honestly get frustrated that I feel I have been punished twice in this recovery not just dealing with one condition but several not to mention anxiety and depression. I now feel / admire people who have different mental health conditions and how they balance it all.

I am in a really positive mood at the moment and ready for the battle but with all the hardwork going into the recovery I sometimes feel that I have to look at the different aspects. Instead of the PTSD side , i have to take note of the ADHD taking this into account when i wasnt doing before.

I have now researched the condition of ADHD and have a better understanding not an expert by any means, i am going to alter my recovery plan slightly and give myself alot more credit than i already have.

I am venting tonight, I am also trying to stabilise my family life with my wife and children, everyday more and more comes to the surface but I can handle it.

Power to the people in recovery this is f*cking tough!!! Hopefully all the work will see a significant lifestyle change of peace and acceptance which is the key
 
Over the last 2 days has been a strange experience during EMDR therapy which led to the 'inner child' being identified. A concept I have been educated on by my therapist.

This involved talking to my younger self on several occasions such as self-confidence, loneliness, self worth, perfectionism, not standing up for myself.

This involved going back from one to the other several times and looking after my younger self. I found this very strange but got into the role, with the work we combined the two the inner child concept and present day me.

This was very emotional and feel that this was quite healing, I will see the true power over the next few days to be honest.

I believe the issues in childhood with anxiety, combined with my father being a strong presenc in my life more the pressure to work hard and meet a certain standard , combined with undiagnosed ADHD played a large role in my adult life. This probably made me more vulnerable to the PTSD that I developed.
 
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