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Trigger in the way of duty

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
It's completely absurd that this is a trigger, and I have to get over it and act.


My elderly mother has fallen for the competition scams and clearly got herself on a suckers list, so she is getting lots of letters that promise "you have won £x thousand and and just have to..." I have told her in every way I can that they are fake, but she keeps sending them back. I tell her that if they want to send her a prize , they could do it straight away, they have her address. I tell her that if she looks at the small print she will see that the most she can get is a pen. She has vowed that she isn't ordering anything, whatever they say.

Usually, she sulks, and says that when the money comes she won't be sharing it with me.

Today I intercepted a letter she asked my son-in-law to post, and it was one where she had ordered health pills to qualify for the prize.

I know that the trigger is her insisting that black is white. For me, it goes straight to "Of course he didn't hurt you" and "It only happened because of you" As a child I was never able to trust reality, because she told me it was untrue. I want to scream and shout, but instead I have to find a way to protect her, despite her failure to protect me in the past.

How do I get over myself, and what should I do to convince her?
 
Is it absolutely necessary for you to convince her? I don't know how things are set up, but is it possible to just intercept her mail and continue weeding out those mailings?

Speaking as a one-time carer of a parent with dementia I found it impossible to alter such 'faulty' thoughts without a lot of damage to myself, so I took to dealing with those matters without my parent's involvement in any way I could, even if outwardly it might have seemed kind of underhand. I intercepted mail, 'mislaid' a bank card, and so on, as needed. I get the situation might not be the same, but it's one approach that avoids a lot of conflict, if it's possible.

Alternatively, you could just let her get on with it. Not nice, I know, but if you need to remove yourself from the battle to protect yourself, maybe it's worth it. I'm not sure it's going to be possible for you to change her mind, especially if she's the kind of person who's determined to disagree with you.

I had an uncle who died some years ago. When my brothers and I cleared out his house we found it littered with hundreds of those mailings- we reckoned they'd been bleeding cash off him for years. Those people are just distasteful.
 
I don't know anything about your relationship with your mother, but I am not sure you are going to be able to convince her. And I am not sure you have to "get over yourself". Probably not the supportive words you are looking for, sorry.

Your situation resonates with me, though I can't quite put my finger on any specifics.

Would it be possible to set some form of boundary for yourself (not sure boundary is the right word to use here). Think it through/write it down and figure out to which extend you are willing to go in the effort to help out - but without it taking too much out of you. And if/when she goes beyond where you are comfortable, let her. If she is not mentally impaired, she will live and learn (or not), just like everyone else. If you suspect that she is not sound of mind, there must be somewhere else you can turn to for support/help.

I am sure others with different views and experiences will be able to offer more advice.
 
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