Pale Mpress Kitty
Learning
I'll preface this with I'm going to arrange an urgent appointment with my therapist and have a few lined up.
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Sunday was an extraordinarily rough day for me in terms of taking care of my son (19 months). He's got a cold (definitely not Covid) which he also gifted to me. He'd been sleping very poorly for about 4 nights at that point - waking every 2 hours, occassional mild fevers. So sunday morning comes around and it was my 4th night of 4hours or less sleep (takes me ages to get to sleep still) and B woke up at 6:30am. That was fine.
What was not fine was the fact that he was so cranky all day that he shouted at me, hit me, bit me, pulled my hair, squealed in my ear, pulling my earrings (hard! Ripped one of my studs out and now it's infected), and all around was a naughty little [insert swearword]. I know it's all from frustration of not having the words, being bored, and exploring how rough he can be with me because he can play rough with daddy.
Sunday was also the day I discovered that violence or the threat of violence and pain are major triggers for me. I already knew too much noise or loud noises (shouting, squealing, malls, fireworks/thunder, etc) get me into a jumpy state, but didn't click with the violence thing.
As soon as he hit me (keep in mind, the only things that hurt were the hair and earring pulling) I flicked into a dissociative state and got all floaty, but also extremely mad. I was blacking out for moments too (for example, I don't remember slapping him but I must have because he had a couple of red finger marks on his thigh) followed by feeling all floaty and distant for about 15min (?) which freaks me out. I'm not a violent person naturally and am a normally very calm person. I think the slap might be a "get away from me" response, but regardless it terrifies me that I could hurt my son like that. And at the same time I think my extreme reaction made him see if he could do it again... and again... I don't believe in hitting my child for whatever reason and nor do I believe in things like "snatching".
So I don't know what to do. I have to take care of him and want to take care of him. I'm terrified that as he gets more frustrated with things from lack of words/communication or physical ability, how do I be more present for him so I'm also less reactive?
_ _ _
Sunday was an extraordinarily rough day for me in terms of taking care of my son (19 months). He's got a cold (definitely not Covid) which he also gifted to me. He'd been sleping very poorly for about 4 nights at that point - waking every 2 hours, occassional mild fevers. So sunday morning comes around and it was my 4th night of 4hours or less sleep (takes me ages to get to sleep still) and B woke up at 6:30am. That was fine.
What was not fine was the fact that he was so cranky all day that he shouted at me, hit me, bit me, pulled my hair, squealed in my ear, pulling my earrings (hard! Ripped one of my studs out and now it's infected), and all around was a naughty little [insert swearword]. I know it's all from frustration of not having the words, being bored, and exploring how rough he can be with me because he can play rough with daddy.
Sunday was also the day I discovered that violence or the threat of violence and pain are major triggers for me. I already knew too much noise or loud noises (shouting, squealing, malls, fireworks/thunder, etc) get me into a jumpy state, but didn't click with the violence thing.
As soon as he hit me (keep in mind, the only things that hurt were the hair and earring pulling) I flicked into a dissociative state and got all floaty, but also extremely mad. I was blacking out for moments too (for example, I don't remember slapping him but I must have because he had a couple of red finger marks on his thigh) followed by feeling all floaty and distant for about 15min (?) which freaks me out. I'm not a violent person naturally and am a normally very calm person. I think the slap might be a "get away from me" response, but regardless it terrifies me that I could hurt my son like that. And at the same time I think my extreme reaction made him see if he could do it again... and again... I don't believe in hitting my child for whatever reason and nor do I believe in things like "snatching".
So I don't know what to do. I have to take care of him and want to take care of him. I'm terrified that as he gets more frustrated with things from lack of words/communication or physical ability, how do I be more present for him so I'm also less reactive?