Triggered by yelling and conflict...


So just got like suppper trigered by my roommates boyfriend and I can't calm down. And I have 4 days to a trip, zillion things to do and my landlord coming over in 30min for some repairs. I don't have time for breakdowns. Long story but we yelled and I never yell with anyone except few times in my life. And one was when I was in the summer when I got PTSD. To make things worse, he left the room, I was talking to my roommate and started crying. So when he came back I told him to leave (the room). I could have phrased it better but I has hyperventilating. And then he was like 'I'll stay wherever I want to stay, you can't tell me to go' and that brought out one of my worst triggers. That feeling that no. I can't tell him to go, I can't make him do anything.... eventually he left and when he returned in a bit he was like 'but why are you crying.'

I think I handled it okay-ish. Not the breaking down part but after. I told him we'll speak later cause if I speak I'll cry. I told my roommate that if he's still sleeping here than we HAVE to talk this over later. I got super minty gum to chew and put cream that I like the smell of on my face and drank cold water and I'm TRYING but seriously seriously feeling one step away from losing my mind. I've never had issue with him staying over. Even with them shouting at each other if they want to(my roommate is generally the loud-get mad fast type, so that's fine) but for him to yell at me at MY HOME? I can't. I've worked so hard to be a full healthy person. I've worked so long to be okay. This is not acceptable.
And even so I haven't said anything to our landlord, I want to work it out between each other first.
But I just.... I've worked so hard and this situation feels like such a low blow.
It's a long day, and, now I am so hypervigilant, that I can barely concentrate of anything beyond the repairs for which my landlord is coming.

Worse off, they are coming to take my door handle so they can buy one with a key. Which is great, but it means my door will be without door handle for day and a half. And if there was ever a day I feel like being closed in my room it's now. I feel like a little wind and I'll shatter like glass.