• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Triggered in Therapy

Status
Not open for further replies.

StellaBlue

MyPTSD Pro
It's been a while since I've posted, although I drop in pretty regularly to see how folks are doing and to pick up advice here and there. I've been amazingly stable over the past couple of years - and I'm absolutely amazed at how I've weathered the last year of losses (my father, two pets and a close friend). I still see a therapist, although it's usually once or twice a month. He's not a trauma specialist, but I've seen him on and off (along with other "specialty" therapists here and there) for a lot of years. Mostly, it's kind of "touch stone" therapy - keeps me on an even keel with the ups and downs of life.

Maybe I was deluding myself in thinking the PTSD was gone, although I'm pretty sure I just thought I was managing it well - recognizing if I was triggered, expanding my "window of tolerance", taking risks...

And then, last week, I had a session with this therapist, we stumbled into a "hot" area, and I got triggered - like full blown tunnel vision, ears filling with wind/water, can't feel my limbs, that "I need to get the f*ck out of here but I can't move" feeling - and I was stuck. Apparently when this happens, I look perfectly calm. I did manage to say "I'm having a physical reaction" - and we were able to veer the conversation to a safer place - but I left still feeling the residual "stickiness". Good news - previous work with a somatic experiencing therapist gave me the tools to shake off the majority of it (literally - shaking may arms), but I was left with the "hangover". And I was quite shocked with the extreme reaction - it's been a really long time since I've had this happen.

I sent the therapist an brief email, letting him know that I experienced this and received a very short confirmation that he received the email. While I was disappointed in the response, I understand totally - I've told him in the past that I don't expect therapy by email but I do want confirmation that he's received it. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday when he texted to confirm our next appointment (which is next week, but we're juggling schedules to try to find a time). I texted back and told him I was thinking of taking a break, could I let him know, and I understood if he needed to fill the spot. He texted back that he would let me know in a day or two. I replied that he could just cancel the appointment.

So my dilemma is a bit complicated. I like this guy, I've seen him for years, he's stuck with me through a lot of bullsh*t...but...he's not a trauma specialist, he doesn't always recognize if I've been triggered and/or am dissociating (which I don't actually do much anymore), and (this was made very clear last week) has no clue on how to proceed if I have been. In addition, over the last 18 months, he's reduced his work hours to part time, so I can only see him every other week. Part of my irritation was - damn man, I got triggered, it scared me, you didn't help me deal with it and now I have to wait two weeks to talk about it with you (by which time, it will be buried under a pile of mundane day-to-day sh*t). The other part is - what the hell are you doing bumbling around with my trauma when you don't know what to do with it once you've woken it up?

Currently, we have no appointment scheduled and, like I said, he has limited work hours. Part of me is furious at him (although I know this is 85% my stuff and not him) and wants to tell him to f*ck off. The other part of me wants to keep the boat steady - he's stayed with me through a lot - and I do appreciate it (although he has been paid for it). I suspect he's going to contact me in the next day or two and I'm really unsure how to proceed from here. I really don't think it's wise to do "trauma" therapy with him (and we've been down this road over the years) - and I'm not really sure I want to see him twice a month, just to chat. On the other hand, I do like him a lot and do feel like I "owe" him for the support he has given me.

(this is me sighing)
 
I think you are doing really well. Have you considered taking a complete break from all therapy for a decent time to see how you manage?

Your're right in that he's not really there for a chat - especially as you are paying for it all. You don't owe him anything at all. It's good that you have a decent relationship with him and you find him pleasant enough but that's not what it's about for you is it? Or is it?

Have you tried to find a trauma specialist?
 
Have you considered taking a complete break from all therapy for a decent time to see how you manage?
I have considered taking a break. I think I'm at a point where I'd manage fine. There are still a couple of things I'd like help with. I'm not sure that therapy is the place to get that help, but I'm not sure what alternatives there are - I'm definitely exploring this.

Have you tried to find a trauma specialist?
Yes. The problem, as I'm sure many folks here know, is there are a lot of therapists who claim to be trauma "specialists" but really aren't. I did see a woman who specialized in somatic experiencing and learned a lot - but after a year, we still hadn't touched on my trauma(s) and we had a couple of times where I felt (and she admitted to) that she wasn't totally engaged in the process. For me, if we're going to "do" trauma, I need someone who is going to be in the room 100%. I honestly don't think my standards are too high - but I've had enough wacko therapists digging around in my head that I'm pretty cautious about the whole thing. (Plus I may have some issues with trust ?)

It's good that you have a decent relationship with him and you find him pleasant enough but that's not what it's about for you is it? Or is it?
He and I have had this conversation - several times - over the years. Honestly? I don't have a lot of friends and no close family and having him as a safe place to land once or twice a month, just to regroup, has been good. I've struggled with understanding the limits of the relationship - a lot - but had reached a point where I was comfortable with where we stood. And then this happened and I'm back to questioning. I've taken breaks in the past (always at my instigation and sometimes with no warning), so I know I can handle it. It just makes me super sad to have to end on this note.
 
Then maybe adjourn therapy for six months with the proviso that you can call and book in sooner if life goes pear shaped?

Isn't it crazy how therapists can claim something they are not?

Honestly I understand the few friends and no close family thing. I wonder if it's part of ptsd?
I don't think I've ever read on this forum where anyone who is a sufferer has loads of friends and great and close family relationships regardless of where their trauma derived from.
 
I really don't think it's wise to do "trauma" therapy with him (and we've been down this road over the years) -
Sounds like the question is... Do you want to do Trauma Therapy?

If so? This sounds like the perfect time to transition.

If not? You had a hard session because trauma came up, but since you won’t be doing trauma therapy with him, and he’s not adept at it, anyway... it doesn’t really matter if it’s 2 weeks or not until you see him or not... because you won’t be touching the trauma aspect.
 
Sounds like the question is... Do you want to do Trauma Therapy?
Does anyone really "want" to do trauma therapy? I suppose the real question is - Is it time to do trauma therapy (again)? I'm going to put on my whiney hat for a second, stomp my feet and say I DONT WANNA DO IT! IT'S HARD AND IT SUCKS AND HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO KEEP CIRCLING THROUGH THIS? OK - a little better now.

f not? You had a hard session because trauma came up, but since you won’t be doing trauma therapy with him, and he’s not adept at it, anyway... it doesn’t really matter if it’s 2 weeks or not until you see him or not... because you won’t be touching the trauma aspect.
The problem is that this is a recurring theme. And I've reached a point where things are stable and good in my life - so, unless we talk about the weather or the last netflix show we both binged on, it's going to keep happening.

I know it's probably time to do some more trauma focused therapy - but I want him to be competently trained to do it with me - and he's not. Over the years, I've provided him with books and he's taken some online training - but it's not his specialty and he's been very honest about that.

Added to this is - I don't want to have to go looking for a decent trauma-trained therapist (again). They're hard to find - even though so many of them claim they are. Although, this time around, I'm coming from a much stronger place - so perhaps I can better screen them prior to investing too much time, energy and emotions.
 
d say I DONT WANNA DO IT! IT'S HARD AND IT SUCKS AND HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO KEEP CIRCLING THROUGH THIS? OK - a little better now.
LMFAO :hilarious:

My fav trauma therapist insisted I get stable before doing trauma therapy with him. I was just like The f*ck??? You realize once I’m stable I’m not gonna wanna DO Trauma Therapy. He just laughed at me, and told me to suck it up, buttercup. Then was like “It’s always your choice, you certainly don’t have to do anything. But it’s an entirely different ballgame when you’re stable, and we’re going after pieces, than when you’re a hot mess and we’re just sticking fingers in the dam as everything is rushing out uncontrolled. It will still be f*cking hard, but not as hard as your average day is right now.” <<< I cannot personally attest to this... as I’m still not stable enough to do trauma therapy. :bag: But the better I get, and the less I want to go kicking hornets nests and pulling tiger tails, the more I try and remind myself of this. That going after something in a controlled fashion? Should be less hard than the Pandora’s box of badness my every day can be. IE I’ve had worse. I’m still not 100% sold on it. But it’s in my back pocket.
 
My fav trauma therapist insisted I get stable before doing trauma therapy with him.
The first time I tried to find a trauma therapist (maybe 4 or 5 years ago), I found woman that did somatic experiencing and came highly recommended. After an hour long intake session, she told me I wasn't stable enough to do it and that I should work on getting stable with the guy I see now ?. I sat in my car and cried for 20 minutes afterwards.
 
I went through three good therapist but not trauma informed in the past 2yrs. It sucks. I hope you find what you are looking. My last one is not trauma informed either but I decided, I will drive the therapy and tell them what I need rather hoping the magic person to appear. I also met one trauma informed and she was the worst! - burned out!

I truly hope you find the right therapist.
 
Sorry to hear about all of your losses. It's hard enough losing one person/pet, but losing multiple people/pets in such a short period of time must be truly devastating.

I don't think you owe it to this therapist to continue seeing him. To put it bluntly, he can replace you just as you can replace him.

I am a little bit confused about why you are upset that you have to wait to see him. It sounded like you told him you weren't sure if you wanted to take a break and then you cancelled the appointment. Maybe I am misunderstanding.

You say you don't want to see him twice a month just to chat. I wonder if that's minimizing the benefit you receive by being flippant. You mentioned not having family or friends, so it seems like he probably serves an important function for you. Just because therapy with him does not involve deep work does not mean it has not had a purpose and value to it. What I would recommend is looking for another therapist but keeping him on if possible until you know the new therapist is going to work out.
 
You say you don't want to see him twice a month just to chat. I wonder if that's minimizing the benefit you receive by being flippant. You mentioned not having family or friends, so it seems like he probably serves an important function for you. Just because therapy with him does not involve deep work does not mean it has not had a purpose and value to it.

There's a lot of truth in what you say. I'm not sure flippant is the right term - but yes, I think I sometimes minimize the benefits I've received. I have a lot of distrust of the entire 'mental health' system (not unfounded) which leads to ambivalence about therapy in general.

I've decided to start looking for a trauma therapist....I just hate that there are so many out there claiming to be specialists, when really all they've done is read a book and taken a couple CEUs. At least this time I'm going in with my eyes slightly wider open.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top