StellaBlue
MyPTSD Pro
It's been a while since I've posted, although I drop in pretty regularly to see how folks are doing and to pick up advice here and there. I've been amazingly stable over the past couple of years - and I'm absolutely amazed at how I've weathered the last year of losses (my father, two pets and a close friend). I still see a therapist, although it's usually once or twice a month. He's not a trauma specialist, but I've seen him on and off (along with other "specialty" therapists here and there) for a lot of years. Mostly, it's kind of "touch stone" therapy - keeps me on an even keel with the ups and downs of life.
Maybe I was deluding myself in thinking the PTSD was gone, although I'm pretty sure I just thought I was managing it well - recognizing if I was triggered, expanding my "window of tolerance", taking risks...
And then, last week, I had a session with this therapist, we stumbled into a "hot" area, and I got triggered - like full blown tunnel vision, ears filling with wind/water, can't feel my limbs, that "I need to get the f*ck out of here but I can't move" feeling - and I was stuck. Apparently when this happens, I look perfectly calm. I did manage to say "I'm having a physical reaction" - and we were able to veer the conversation to a safer place - but I left still feeling the residual "stickiness". Good news - previous work with a somatic experiencing therapist gave me the tools to shake off the majority of it (literally - shaking may arms), but I was left with the "hangover". And I was quite shocked with the extreme reaction - it's been a really long time since I've had this happen.
I sent the therapist an brief email, letting him know that I experienced this and received a very short confirmation that he received the email. While I was disappointed in the response, I understand totally - I've told him in the past that I don't expect therapy by email but I do want confirmation that he's received it. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday when he texted to confirm our next appointment (which is next week, but we're juggling schedules to try to find a time). I texted back and told him I was thinking of taking a break, could I let him know, and I understood if he needed to fill the spot. He texted back that he would let me know in a day or two. I replied that he could just cancel the appointment.
So my dilemma is a bit complicated. I like this guy, I've seen him for years, he's stuck with me through a lot of bullsh*t...but...he's not a trauma specialist, he doesn't always recognize if I've been triggered and/or am dissociating (which I don't actually do much anymore), and (this was made very clear last week) has no clue on how to proceed if I have been. In addition, over the last 18 months, he's reduced his work hours to part time, so I can only see him every other week. Part of my irritation was - damn man, I got triggered, it scared me, you didn't help me deal with it and now I have to wait two weeks to talk about it with you (by which time, it will be buried under a pile of mundane day-to-day sh*t). The other part is - what the hell are you doing bumbling around with my trauma when you don't know what to do with it once you've woken it up?
Currently, we have no appointment scheduled and, like I said, he has limited work hours. Part of me is furious at him (although I know this is 85% my stuff and not him) and wants to tell him to f*ck off. The other part of me wants to keep the boat steady - he's stayed with me through a lot - and I do appreciate it (although he has been paid for it). I suspect he's going to contact me in the next day or two and I'm really unsure how to proceed from here. I really don't think it's wise to do "trauma" therapy with him (and we've been down this road over the years) - and I'm not really sure I want to see him twice a month, just to chat. On the other hand, I do like him a lot and do feel like I "owe" him for the support he has given me.
(this is me sighing)
Maybe I was deluding myself in thinking the PTSD was gone, although I'm pretty sure I just thought I was managing it well - recognizing if I was triggered, expanding my "window of tolerance", taking risks...
And then, last week, I had a session with this therapist, we stumbled into a "hot" area, and I got triggered - like full blown tunnel vision, ears filling with wind/water, can't feel my limbs, that "I need to get the f*ck out of here but I can't move" feeling - and I was stuck. Apparently when this happens, I look perfectly calm. I did manage to say "I'm having a physical reaction" - and we were able to veer the conversation to a safer place - but I left still feeling the residual "stickiness". Good news - previous work with a somatic experiencing therapist gave me the tools to shake off the majority of it (literally - shaking may arms), but I was left with the "hangover". And I was quite shocked with the extreme reaction - it's been a really long time since I've had this happen.
I sent the therapist an brief email, letting him know that I experienced this and received a very short confirmation that he received the email. While I was disappointed in the response, I understand totally - I've told him in the past that I don't expect therapy by email but I do want confirmation that he's received it. I didn't hear from him again until yesterday when he texted to confirm our next appointment (which is next week, but we're juggling schedules to try to find a time). I texted back and told him I was thinking of taking a break, could I let him know, and I understood if he needed to fill the spot. He texted back that he would let me know in a day or two. I replied that he could just cancel the appointment.
So my dilemma is a bit complicated. I like this guy, I've seen him for years, he's stuck with me through a lot of bullsh*t...but...he's not a trauma specialist, he doesn't always recognize if I've been triggered and/or am dissociating (which I don't actually do much anymore), and (this was made very clear last week) has no clue on how to proceed if I have been. In addition, over the last 18 months, he's reduced his work hours to part time, so I can only see him every other week. Part of my irritation was - damn man, I got triggered, it scared me, you didn't help me deal with it and now I have to wait two weeks to talk about it with you (by which time, it will be buried under a pile of mundane day-to-day sh*t). The other part is - what the hell are you doing bumbling around with my trauma when you don't know what to do with it once you've woken it up?
Currently, we have no appointment scheduled and, like I said, he has limited work hours. Part of me is furious at him (although I know this is 85% my stuff and not him) and wants to tell him to f*ck off. The other part of me wants to keep the boat steady - he's stayed with me through a lot - and I do appreciate it (although he has been paid for it). I suspect he's going to contact me in the next day or two and I'm really unsure how to proceed from here. I really don't think it's wise to do "trauma" therapy with him (and we've been down this road over the years) - and I'm not really sure I want to see him twice a month, just to chat. On the other hand, I do like him a lot and do feel like I "owe" him for the support he has given me.
(this is me sighing)