Triggered & Melting Down - Then I saw the person I’ve been dating on a dating app.

Lotsoflove

Sponsor
What a mess I’ve made. :( :( :(
I was triggered Over and over again with health issues, family matters and flashbacks from sisters death, working in hospital during covid, suffering from patients abuse and was having a complete meltdown. Then I saw the person I’ve been dating on a dating app. I was aware he was on it. But he updated it and used a picture I took of him on a very special occasion we had. An occasion when he told me I meant more to him then just sex. We had the best day and evening together. I thought we had finally arrived to a nice place together. Seeing this pic completely set me off. I became enraged. Demanding it be taken down and how disrespectful it was. All while I was having a meltdown he said he can’t talk about it now. Was busy. I violated his boundaries. Repeatedly Called n texted. Hysterical. I posted pics of us on fb knowing how private he is. Because I was furious. He then called and demanded I take them down. Which I did. I needed him to be supportive and he wasn’t while he was dealing with his own situation at home. But he wasn’t at all apologetic or sympathetic to what I was going through. He said we r not in a relationship I can do whatever I want. He said I can be friends with him and have sex with him but he doesn’t want a relationship. And completely pushed me out. I’m so very hurt. I love him. I’ve always been supportive of him.
it took over a year to get this close to him. And just like that it’s as if I meant nothing. I cried for days straight. Became sick over it. And I’m still being punished.
 

Friday

Moderator
To be honest? I’d challenge whether or not it’s actually a mess. Instead of suddenly quite clear.

As it sounds like the 2 of you are on wildly different pages, and what has happened has “simply” (I know, nothing simple about it) laid that bare. No illusions. No games. He wants one thing, and you want something completely different. Sex & Friendship -vs- a committed relationship based on a foundation of love & support.

Painful as hell? Clearly.

Also a brutal as f*ck way to find this out. The only upside being that he’s got the cajones to be honest with you; instead of stringing you along for years, manipulating you into missing out on countless opportunities to be with someone who wants the kind of partnership you want... or ...too cowardly to risk hurting your feelings to be honest, again robbing you of the opportunity to find someone to be a real partner to you.

Whilst I might wish that you had found this out in a less painful way? Soooooo much better to learn this after only 1 year, rather than 10, or most of a lifetime wasted with someone who doesn’t deserve you.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
If you want a relationship then don’t let a guy go a year without committing to you. If a guy wants to be with you, he will commit to you in a reasonable amount of time. If he won’t commit, then walk away. You definitely deserve better.
 

Lotsoflove

Sponsor
To be honest? I’d challenge whether or not it’s actually a mess. Instead of suddenly quite clear.

As it sounds like the 2 of you are on wildly different pages, and what has happened has “simply” (I know, nothing simple about it) laid that bare. No illusions. No games. He wants one thing, and you want something completely different. Sex & Friendship -vs- a committed relationship based on a foundation of love & support.

Painful as hell? Clearly.

Also a brutal as f*ck way to find this out. The only upside being that he’s got the cajones to be honest with you; instead of stringing you along for years, manipulating you into missing out on countless opportunities to be with someone who wants the kind of partnership you want... or ...too cowardly to risk hurting your feelings to be honest, again robbing you of the opportunity to find someone to be a real partner to you.

Whilst I might wish that you had found this out in a less painful way? Soooooo much better to learn this after only 1 year, rather than 10, or most of a lifetime wasted with someone who doesn’t deserve you.
I appreciate your reply. The entire relationship has been a real push pull dynamic. It began on his terms with the both of us seeking a ltr. Him being very persistent. A few months into it he told me he needed intense rehabilitation for ptsd. And stopped all communication. He said I don’t expect you to wait for me. I decided I wanted him in my life and I’d be supportive either way. It wasn’t easy to witness all the pain and suffering. I care for him. He was brave seeking help. As time went on there were times I pulled away bc he was being hurtful. As he was improving we became closer. Started spending more time together, dating, intimate. I was happy with how things were progressing. He was being supportive in return. But every time we get to a certain point he completely pulls back. A few wks may go by with limited calls and texts. He becomes disconnected but still was better. His entire life is being uprooted. But he was purposefully hurtful instead of apologizing and owning up to what he did. It could’ve easily been resolved. Say I’m sorry, I’ll take the pic down. He tarnished a beautiful memory we had together. Then he called me crazy bc the way I reacted . He became ice cold. As if I didn’t mean anything to him at all. Saying that we never had a relationship was complete bullshit. He said you do u and I’ll do me. Which was an f u that I’ve heard before from my child’s father. When I said that he responded I’m not your child’s father. I know a lot of it is coming from past trauma and him always being the “savior”. The person ppl look to in crisis. And I know that’s his trigger. And he has relationship trauma. But for the first time. I needed him to have empathy. He completely dismissed me. My trauma among many are abandonment. He of all ppl should have been sympathetic to a person being triggered. This was all on thanksgiving mind you. While I was already being triggered all wk in every direction and in a deep depression and having flashbacks to my sisters death as it was on thanksgiving she died. And I happened to be working in the hospital she died in. This hit me like a ton of bricks
He told me last we were together that sometimes he wished I would date other ppl so I wouldn’t only rely on him. When I asked if he were looking to date other ppl he said, “no, why would I do that when I have you. What we have is great.” (It’s great until he was needed not wanted) “I just like to go on the app to see who likes me it makes me feel good”. He has always been honest with me. I’ve never had any reason not to believe him. He knew there was a possibility That I’d see him on the app. He said well u were on the app too. As if that justifies it. I said yes, I was looking for u. I did go out of my way to look for him. Idk what compelled me to do so. Last time I was with him he knew I saw him on it but it didn’t look updated. I didn’t pay much mind to it. He said I’m sorry. I’m crazy. There’s something wrong with me. That kept on pulling on me. Maybe that’s why I looked. That and bc I was in a dark place. I just wasn’t expecting to see it updated with pics we just took a few months prior. It was extremely hurtful. He could’ve acknowledged that. Instead he was pissed off I was demanding his attn while he was moving snd said I can’t talk now over snd over. This crushed me. Now a few wks later we have talked briefly. He misses me but.... he just isn’t capable of doing anything except moving. I’ve never seen anyone take several months to move box by box on their own. I guess this is the process he needs to move forward. He made a plan. Asked to me r u going to go crazy on me? I can’t go through that again. I said, I’m calmer. He canceled later that day. He is only thinking of himself. Not that hmm... maybe She was the one who suffered from this the most. That he triggered me. And was insensitive and hurtful. I am a communicator. I like things to be resolved. I don’t like things left without being talked about. He just shuts down completely. I know he cares and loves me in his own f*cked up way. But I didn’t ever see him being so hurtful. Especially since he understands ptsd. And since I’ve been unconditionally supportive and loyal.
 

Lotsoflove

Sponsor
If you want a relationship then don’t let a guy go a year without committing to you. If a guy wants to be with you, he will commit to you in a reasonable amount of time. If he won’t commit, then walk away. You definitely deserve better.
I told him I’d be with him as long as I am the only one. If he is with anyone else that will be the last time he’s with me. I don’t do sharing. He knows this. He hasn’t been with anyone else since we rekindled last yr. He has met all my family and friends. Has not introduced me to his family. They know about me. That’s it. His excuse is that his ex really did a number on him and his family. I have been nothing but patient and understanding. He was being selfish. Unsympathetic. And an Insensitive jerk! He only thinks about himself and what he’s going through or has been through. Always guarded. And as soon as he becomes comfortable his walls go up. It’s terribly frustrating. My feelings don’t change when he puts his walls up. But to me It feels like his do change. He keeps me at a safe distance. He doesn’t want me out of his life. He wants the love and intimacy but on his terms.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
First, I want to say that I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. Feeling like someone has betrayed you is incredibly hard.

Second, based on your description it sounds like he wants the relationship but isn't at a place where he can really commit to a relationship. He's got things that he needs to work out. This could take years. He may never really heal enough to be committed to another person.

Third, you need to take care of yourself. If someone won't or can't fulfill your needs in a relationship then you need to make a choice- ignore your own needs or move on. It's incredibly hard. I dated a guy back in the day who had a lot of things he needed to work on. I was patient with him because I understand all too well how it is to have difficulty in relationship. He never complimented me or was affectionate. But he gave me lots of attention and we had fun together. I had thought that he just wasn't demonstrative of his affection and I could learn to live with that. One day, I was looking at his Twitter and saw him interacting with another woman. He was complimenting her like crazy, something I never received from him. He genuinely seemed to like her more than me. I went and looked on the dating app he and I met on. He had recently changed his information and his photo. When I confronted him about all of this he told me that he went on the app to find an old picture of his that he knew was on there and that the woman on Twitter was in love with someone else so she didn't matter. The last statement was so telling. When I broke up with him, he kept manipulating me back to the relationship. It took me over a month of games to break free once and for all. This actually sent me spiraling and I wound up going back to therapy. In a way, I should thank him because it started me on a journey I didn't realize that I needed to take for myself. It was really painful at the time but cutting all contact with him was the best decision I could have made. He was never going to be the partner that I needed. So, really, you need to ask yourself if this person can fulfill your needs. How much are you willing to give up to keep him in your life?
 

Lotsoflove

Sponsor
I told him I’d be with him as long as I am the only one. If he is with anyone else that will be the last time he’s with me. I don’t do sharing. He knows this. He hasn’t been with anyone else since we rekindled last yr. He has met all my family and friends. Has not introduced me to his family. They know about me. That’s it. His excuse is that his ex really did a number on him and his family. I have been nothing but patient and understanding. He was being selfish. Unsympathetic. And an Insensitive jerk! He only thinks about himself and what he’s going through or has been through. Always guarded. And as soon as he becomes comfortable his walls go up. It’s terribly frustrating. My feelings don’t change when he puts his walls up. But to me It feels like his do change. He keeps me at a safe distance. He doesn’t want me out of his life. He wants the love and intimacy but on his terms.
I was being selfish too. I do see the role I played in this
First, I want to say that I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. Feeling like someone has betrayed you is incredibly hard.

Second, based on your description it sounds like he wants the relationship but isn't at a place where he can really commit to a relationship. He's got things that he needs to work out. This could take years. He may never really heal enough to be committed to another person.

Third, you need to take care of yourself. If someone won't or can't fulfill your needs in a relationship then you need to make a choice- ignore your own needs or move on. It's incredibly hard. I dated a guy back in the day who had a lot of things he needed to work on. I was patient with him because I understand all too well how it is to have difficulty in relationship. He never complimented me or was affectionate. But he gave me lots of attention and we had fun together. I had thought that he just wasn't demonstrative of his affection and I could learn to live with that. One day, I was looking at his Twitter and saw him interacting with another woman. He was complimenting her like crazy, something I never received from him. He genuinely seemed to like her more than me. I went and looked on the dating app he and I met on. He had recently changed his information and his photo. When I confronted him about all of this he told me that he went on the app to find an old picture of his that he knew was on there and that the woman on Twitter was in love with someone else so she didn't matter. The last statement was so telling. When I broke up with him, he kept manipulating me back to the relationship. It took me over a month of games to break free once and for all. This actually sent me spiraling and I wound up going back to therapy. In a way, I should thank him because it started me on a journey I didn't realize that I needed to take for myself. It was really painful at the time but cutting all contact with him was the best decision I could have made. He was never going to be the partner that I needed. So, really, you need to ask yourself if this person can fulfill your needs. How much are you willing to give up to keep him in your life?
oh, that’s an awful feeling. I’m sorry you went through that. I feel dating apps make relationships seem disposable. Like it’s a vending machine. The last guy I dated after me and this guy were on a break. He was dating at least 5 women that I found out about. He even met a woman in my tiny town and took her to a restaurant I said I go to. I found out after I posted a pic on fb. It feels like ppl have no loyalty. No real sense of commitment to others. I have never been in a relationship where someone did not cheat on me. It’s so very hurtful. I stayed single for 6 yrs. dating is scary. The one thing I can’t stand is being lied to. I’ve always been loyal to each person I’ve been with. I just can’t fathom how others cannot be. I also have multiple chronic illnesses. I feel like who will want me when I’m on dialysis or transplant list. Stress of relationships don’t help. I wish I could find someone supportive and caring. I’ve always been with ppl for the chemistry and attraction not stability or to lean on. I have no interest in being with anyone else. I wish I did. Plus being in pandemic makes it so much harder and lonely.
 
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