Triggered & Struggling

Charbella

Learning
I’ve been struggling with SI for over a year, some days every open thought is of it and other days I just pray to not wake up. My T knows but I haven’t been forthcoming as of late so he has no idea how bad it is lately.

I’m pretty good at appearing “normal” so I don’t think anyone else even suspects. Lately in Therapy I’ve been pretty who cares it’s almost summer and I can do it then. (I teach and wouldn’t want my students to have to deal with that mid-year). From his perspective that means I’ve been more open (nothing to lose), more willing to push the boundaries in EMDR. But the other side of that is I grow closer to the edge as outside of therapy I grow increasingly closed off to people and any emotions.

I get I’m doing this to myself and I’m not sure I want to change course which is of course why I haven’t mentioned it. For now I’m not scheduled to go back to therapy, though his clients do it online so I don’t think he knows that. I’m not sure if I’m taking a break or not.

Yesterday in session he talked about connecting with my body in a baby step he’d like me to try. We’ve talked about how this is not a desire of mine, I don’t see how anything good can come from it. I’m happy to be a walking head, hands, and feet. But the step he suggested really triggered me and now it seems like everything is triggering me. I was really doing great with being numb.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Connecting with the body is a struggle. I totally understand the desire to be numb to that. On my opinion this gets worse before it gets better. Being numb for years (decades?) And then becoming aware of feelings etc can feel like one extreme to the other before a more balanced place arrives. So maybe now is not the time to do this if you have SI

Can you contact your T and say what you have said here?
Seems like SI needs care and attention now and you need help with managing that.
 

Charbella

Learning
I could contact my T he is very open to that but then I’d have to want to be better and I’m not there right now.

the problem as with all therapy is the if not now, when? It’s not like not dealing with it is making me any less suicidal.

I wouldn’t even say being triggered is making it worse, it just is.

My T asked me how I made it through all that I did and keep moving forward. The answer is habit and I don’t think that’s enough of a reason.
 

Charbella

Learning
WELFARE CHECK!!!

WTF apparently it’s not that hard to ask for a welfare check. I cancelled my appointment and hadn’t scheduled a new one my T texted me asking what’s going on for me. I did not respond, I don’t have a response. Several hours later he tried calling but again I have no response so I didn’t answer. Then I got a call from an unknown number and chose not to answer it, 15 minutes later there’s a cop at my door. A very young, thankfully soft spoken cop but a cop nonetheless. He didn’t stay long I told him I was fine and he left.

I’m not fine, I was triggered before but cops are a whole other level. Now I’d like everything to stop making any kind of noise because my nerves are completely frayed. However I live under a family of 5 so that’s not going to happen.

How’s a welfare check supposed to help besides push me closer to the edge?
 

joeylittle

Administrator
How’s a welfare check supposed to help besides push me closer to the edge?
It's not to help you emotionally - it's to make sure you're not fully 'gone' (psychotic, or incapable of stopping yourself from harming others or yourself), or in the process of dying, or already dead.

I could contact my T he is very open to that but then I’d have to want to be better and I’m not there right now.
The important words here are "right now". I am not trying to minimize your pain - I have lived in that place of not believing anything can change, I'd say I'm in there now. If you can - try and remind yourself that this is how you feel right now, but it's not a guarantee its how things will look tomorrow, or the day after, or a month or year from now.

I'm sorry you had a welfare check, they really are extremely shocking and terrifying, and can feel like alienation. But that's not what's going on. It's someone who is professionally assuming some degree of responsibility for your well-being seeing the very real possibility that you could be hurt, or dying, or in a state where you could hurt or kill others.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
The welfare check is making sure you are alive. Whilst it doesn't feel like it to you, it is actually care for and about you.

The thing with therapy is that: we can slow down. Deciding not to connect with your body now doesn't mean you can't do that work in a few weeks or months.

Right now, you are clearly in a place where an experienced T is so worried that they have decided a welfare check is needed. Sounds like your T is on the money, because you have said how bad it is.

What do you need right now?
Are you safe with yourself?
Do you feel able to schulde that appointment with T?

There remains hope.
Habit is a good enough reason, for now. Hopefully seeing how much you are worth will come soon. But habit means: fight, survival, being alive. So habit is good enough.
 

Charbella

Learning
It’s not a belief it’s a fact. With CSA there isn’t a before, so no place to go back to. In my case I also don’t really have some if only dream of what it would’ve been had my childhood not happened the way it did because that would require dreaming. It’s super hard to just do when your constantly in the clouds and it’s super hard to just do if your feeling all the things that come your way so I don’t. Everything I ever wanted that’s in the realm of possibility has happened and yet I feel no joy, that’s not going to change. I could work through the past and make triggers and flashbacks recede but it doesn’t make my life better so what’s the point?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm really sorry about how it is at the moment and how it has been. The unrelenting nature of this is unbearable.
I want to respond to your post as there are other ways of seeing things, even if it really really doesn't feel like it. Just a tiny shift in perspective might open the door to some relief and hope.
With CSA there isn’t a before, so no place to go back to.
I agree. It happened in childhood. Who knows who you would have been and how life would have been like. This is something I grapple with too. The past can never be undone. It's crazy making, infuriating, utterly sad and ultimately completely unfair.

In my case I also don’t really have some if only dream of what it would’ve been had my childhood not happened the way it did because that would require dreaming. It’s super hard to just do when your constantly in the clouds and it’s super hard to just do if your feeling all the things that come your way so I don’t
I have found that dreaming about "what could have been" doesn't help at all. Not one bit. Because that just isn't reality, and I need to deal with reality to get through this. So the fact you can't dream about an alternative is prob an ok thing in this situation for this reason.

Everything I ever wanted that’s in the realm of possibility has happened and yet I feel no joy, that’s not going to change. I
I'm pleased that good things have happened to you. I understand the not feeling joy. But, just because you haven't and don't doesn't mean you never will. It can change. I hope you can find a way to believe that. Maybe joy right now is the end goal, but maybe some level of contentment or a flicker of excitement or some other positive feeling is something to work towards?

could work through the past and make triggers and flashbacks recede but it doesn’t make my life better so what’s the point?
There is every point.
To make life bearable.
To love yourself.
To feel joy.
To know it can get better.
To survive and live.
To get better.
To enjoy life.
Etc etc etc.

I really hope you reach out to T or someone. You aren't alone.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I agree with everything MovingForward said. You are definitely not alone. I’m a teacher too and summer time is when I fall apart. Am currently mucking about and it sucks, but it’s getting to the heart of the matter—always the most uncomfortable.

Regarding the welfare check… when you didn’t respond to the text and the phone call because you didn’t have anything to say, your T didn’t know that was your reason. Since you didn’t make an appointment either and dropped off the radar I’m curious if the adult part of you really thought T would just let all that go, especially since you’ve been so visibly agitated in session?

I’m thinking that if you want your T to leave you alone then saying to him, “I don’t know what to say, I need to be alone,” tells him everything. Even though you were upset by the welfare check, I wonder how you would feel if he ignored the fact that you dropped off?
 

Charbella

Learning
OliveJewel lots to think about there.

Honestly I’d never considered he’d do a welfare check. Some warning would’ve been nice.

I e never not responded right away and I’ve never not had an appointment, for that matter the one time I’ve cancelled I did let him know the why so as far as why he did it I guess I can understand.

I don’t know how I’d feel either way too numb to feel much of anything. I didn’t cancel to spite him I just didn’t see any point in going.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
How’s a welfare check supposed to help besides push me closer to the edge?
I am sooo sorry about this. My job did this once (in that circumstance, though, it was completely unjustified), so I understand how terrifying and damaging it can be. In fact, it took me months to recover from it. I didn't have T support at the time, though.
Honestly I’d never considered he’d do a welfare check. Some warning would’ve been nice.
So...if you had actually answered his calls or responded to him, he never would have done it, right? That was a huge lot of warning from him.
 

Charbella

Learning
So...if you had actually answered his calls or responded to him, he never would have done it, right? That was a huge lot of warning from him.
I mean an actual warning like leave a message or text that said he needed to know I was okay or he’d have to send out the cops for a well check.

I would‘ve responded to that. Just as I’ve never not responded before, he’s never sent the police to my home, it’s not like I knew that was going to happen.

Part of me believes he did it to piss me off enough that I’d reach out with my anger.

whiteraven did you go back to work after that? I’m not exactly feeling like that can happen here.

I'm so triggered by a memory, since he talked about touch that I feel like I’m drowning in it. I tried my best (most maladaptive) coping mechanism but it didn’t help. I tried journaling it, that‘s made it worse.
 
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