Triggered...

[SeekingAfrica]

Just.. I don't even want to talk and I do. I do but I can't. I have majordeadline (which determines my monthly paythis month) in 10 days, I have friends that need me, and for a first time in a while I was stable and repaying g debts and socializing and eating better and being support to the friends that need me... I'm so close to a good life. But this week was so intense so I guess my stress cup was already maxed out.

And tonight I got triggered. I lost a full night. I just snapped and ate whatever, slept, and wrote in the fanfic I write in when I have dark thoughts. But I'm honestly not done, that feeling is still there. Nothing ruined yet, I texted some love yo those who need me, didn't mention it, work can be caught up with and I work fromhome, so I hope no harm done.



But how do I ground myself? I have things to do but I still have this feeling you get from an off memory or flashback like you're nauseous and like someone kicked you in the stomach and you can't breathe.... I just need Tobe over it, grounded, by tomorrow, how do I ground myself?

 

[Friday]

how do I ground myself?

- Write. That’s one of the least grounded things, possible. But it’s using the disassociation as a benefit. A positive in your life/heart/mind.
- Dance. That’s a mix of both grounded and elsewhere.
- XTRA self care. Because your body needs it, even if you don’t.

Do some work

Then rinse repeat the above.

Smoothies out the rough edges, and uses your strengths as strengths, whilst minimizing the weaknesses. Synergistic, that.

 

[Tinyflame]

With the self care, a bath. Consider it a re-regroup day? You must have needed it, and you should be very happy for all you accomplished through a very difficult time.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

With the self care, a bath. Consider it a re-regroup day? You must have needed it, and you should be very happy for all you accomplished through a very difficult time.

I considered and discarded the idea because I was busy. That was a mistake.
I feel like I'm sleepwalking the last few days. I'm wide awake when I should sleep, sleepy when I'm awake and everything seems like it distorted and slow. Everything I should do feels far away. I feel so sad my heart hurts. I'm awake the normal amount of hours, but only productive for a couple. Everything seems far. I'm having nightmares again. Work seems far, and although I work at home I have a deadline. I hate slipping into old pattens but it's so hard to concentrate.
It's like there are important things going on this month and I know that, but the days are slipping through my fingers.
And all I can think is... THAT. My trauma, one of them anyway. All I have lost. All I have broken because of it. I want to snap into action but I feel frozen.
It's almost late afternoon, and I've sleepwalked through my day. When I bump into things in my apartment instead of picking them up to their place I let them be.
I know what I know and it's not enough. Few days ago, a week ago, I wrote meticulous calendars and lists, and now I can't touch my notebooks. I don't cry, I don't write, I don't clean, I don't answer messages. I do the meetings or calls I can't avoid and then I sleep or eat more. I eat in bed. I still make the bed but eat in it anyway. I can't exercise. Following exercise video instrustions seems beyond me like I know all the words but can't put them together or made my body follow. Watching the tv shows I love bores me. Nothing tastes the same. I know I need actions but I can't make myself move for few days, and the longer this goes on the harder it is to snap out of it. It's like time has shrunk and a week has passed but I can't feel that it's a week.

I thought I was over getting this way. Honest. So much milestones last year.
And now I just can't snap out of it.
I'm going out for half an hour to run an errand, so I don't feel like I wasted the day, and to get some chilly air.
How does one plan with this? It's like everything beyond this feeling is far and irrelevant.

- Write. That’s one of the least grounded things, possible. But it’s using the disassociation as a benefit. A positive in your life/heart/mind.
- Dance. That’s a mix of both grounded and elsewhere.
- XTRA self care. Because your body needs it, even if you don’t.

Do some work

Then rinse repeat the above.

Smoothies out the rough edges, and uses your strengths as strengths, whilst minimizing the weaknesses. Synergistic, that.

Good advice. Should have followed it more last week, but I was trying to be ME 2.0. I was trying to be unaffected, and...
well, you saw above.

Today might be too late, but, I will go out for half hour and maybe I'll try to do a braindump. But my brain feels like wool, foggy and impenetrable. Like I can't feel present, I'm about to cry but I can't all the time, and like there's so much to be present for but I'm just switching off more. And I've done it before. And I know it's not good. And I can't snap out of it. And I just irrationally want something, anything, that can soothe my whole body being in knots and pains. And I feel guilty and I should, and I still can't care. Does any of this make any sense?

Wish someone had made a guide on planning your day when this happens. I'm scared of how I feel. (and yet still too detached to launch into many actions and get it together and days goes and it's worse). Might try a crisis line. Though I'm so out of energy not sure that can help.
Okay. Going out. I need to go out for a moment.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Sometimes if you hold on too strongly to something, you burn. I think I didn't cope well, but you know the saying that repeating the same thing expecting different result is madness... yet we all do so sometimes.
Tonight's I'm taking the night off, tomorrow l follow @Friday s advice.