Triggers Related To Death

[Jade-]

Hello @Dr. Catalyst

My adult son passed away from an unintentional drug overdose over a year ago. I was the one who found him deceased.

I have really been having a hard time when I hear police or ambulance sirens. I instantly feel panicky and start freaking out and worry that one of my loved ones have been harmed,injured or worse. And my first reaction is to get on my phone and listen to a police scanner to see what's going on. If it's a car accident I panic thinking maybe it's been a loved one. Since there's never any identifying info on the scanner I start contacting everyone I know to make sure it wasn't one of them. If they don't respond to a text or answer their phone it increases my panic until I almost feel like I will pass out. And by the time I do have contact I am so distraught and crying I have a hard time communicating with them.

I know listening to the police scanner is making things worse for me but I can't seem to stop listening to it. Recently I was listening and it was a young adult who had overdosed and although I knew I shouldn't listen I couldn't stop listening and started reliving my sons death.

I want to stop listening to the police scanner but I don't know how to keep myself from doing it. I tell myself not to,I don't plan on doing it, I just automatically do. Do you have any suggestions for me? I did it again today,just a couple of hours ago and I am sitting here with my heart pounding and I can't calm myself down

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Hello @Dr. Catalyst

My adult son passed away from an unintentional drug overdose over a year ago. I was the one who found him deceased.

I have really been having a hard time when I hear police or ambulance sirens. I instantly feel panicky and start freaking out and worry that one of my loved ones have been harmed,injured or worse. And my first reaction is to get on my phone and listen to a police scanner to see what's going on. If it's a car accident I panic thinking maybe it's been a loved one. Since there's never any identifying info on the scanner I start contacting everyone I know to make sure it wasn't one of them. If they don't respond to a text or answer their phone it increases my panic until I almost feel like I will pass out. And by the time I do have contact I am so distraught and crying I have a hard time communicating with them.

I know listening to the police scanner is making things worse for me but I can't seem to stop listening to it. Recently I was listening and it was a young adult who had overdosed and although I knew I shouldn't listen I couldn't stop listening and started reliving my sons death.

I want to stop listening to the police scanner but I don't know how to keep myself from doing it. I tell myself not to,I don't plan on doing it, I just automatically do. Do you have any suggestions for me? I did it again today,just a couple of hours ago and I am sitting here with my heart pounding and I can't calm myself down

Hello @Jade- , I am sorry to hear about the loss of your son and the distress that you have experienced since then. It sounds like hearing police or ambulance sirens has become a significant trigger for you, leading to intense feelings of panic and distress. It makes sense that you want to listen to the police scanner to try and obtain more information, but this is causing you more distress and retraumatizing you.

One approach to address this behavior is to engage in mindfulness exercises when you hear the sirens. Mindfulness involves focusing your awareness on the present moment, without judgment. When you hear the sirens, try taking some deep breaths and then focusing on something in the present moment, such as the sound of birds outside, the texture of your clothing, or the sensation of your feet on the ground. It might also be helpful to have a soothing item with you, like a stress ball or a piece of jewelry, that you can touch or hold to ground you in the present moment.

Another technique to try is to practice thought challenging. This involves identifying the automatic negative thoughts that come up when you hear the sirens and replacing them with more rational and positive thoughts. For example, when you hear the sirens and start to panic, you might think, "This is it, something bad has happened to someone I love." Instead, challenge this thought with evidence like "I don't know what's happening, and I don't need to assume the worst case scenario. It is very unlikely that someone I love is involved in every emergency situation that occurs." Repeat this thought to yourself until you feel calmer.

It's also important to recognize that this is likely a coping mechanism that you developed after the trauma of finding your son deceased. It might be helpful to seek support from a therapist with experience in grief and trauma, who can work with you to identify healthy coping mechanisms and provide you with additional techniques to manage your distress.

Please take care of yourself, and remember that it's okay to ask for help.

 

[Jade-]

Thank you for your helpful suggestions.

I have been trying the thought challenging but the longer I do that the more my panic increases instead of decreases. And then I give in and listen to the scanner anyway to try to feel calmer but then end up feeling worse when I do listen.

Do I need to learn to sit with the feelings without giving into the urge to listen?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Thank you for your helpful suggestions.

I have been trying the thought challenging but the longer I do that the more my panic increases instead of decreases. And then I give in and listen to the scanner anyway to try to feel calmer but then end up feeling worse when I do listen.

Do I need to learn to sit with the feelings without giving into the urge to listen?

@Jade-, it is common to feel more anxious in the beginning when you begin challenging your thoughts because it can be uncomfortable to confront these thoughts directly. It might take some time to adjust to identifying and challenging your thoughts, but with continued practice, you may start to notice a decrease in your anxiety over time.

Sitting with the feelings and not giving in to the urge to listen to the scanner can be a helpful approach. This technique may be uncomfortable initially, but it can help you to build your confidence in your ability to manage your feelings and urges without feeling completely overwhelmed.

One approach you may find helpful is to use a grounding technique to help you stay present while experiencing the emotions. A grounding technique can include focusing on the physical sensations in your body or breathing deeply while observing your surroundings in detail. A method that works for others is called 5-4-3-2-1. It involves taking deep breaths while you recognize in detail five things around you that you can see, four things that you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

It is essential to remember that it's okay to seek help from professionals. A trained therapist can provide additional strategies that can assist in managing emotions and distressing thoughts.

 

[Jade-]

I will definitely try grounding techniques although it's hard to be able to think clearly when I feel like that. Thank you for that suggestion.

What did you mean by saying what I am doing is likely a coping mechanism after the trauma of finding my son? What am I trying to gain by doing this? And why would I choose to do this? I hadn't really thought of it being a coping mechanism but I am sure you are right about that.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I will definitely try grounding techniques although it's hard to be able to think clearly when I feel like that. Thank you for that suggestion.

What did you mean by saying what I am doing is likely a coping mechanism after the trauma of finding my son? What am I trying to gain by doing this? And why would I choose to do this? I hadn't really thought of it being a coping mechanism but I am sure you are right about that.

By saying that listening to the scanner might be a coping mechanism, I mean that it may be a way for you to try to manage the intense emotions you experienced after finding your son by obtaining more information about an event that may be triggering for you. Essentially, you may be using the scanner as a way to regain some sense of control or preparedness in case a similar situation occurs again. It's common for people who have experienced trauma to develop coping mechanisms that help them manage feelings of distress, avoidance or hyper-vigilance.

You might also be choosing to listen to the scanner as a way to activate your fight-or-flight response, which may help you feel more alert and in control in a situation that may remind you of your son's passing. The downside is that at times it can be causing you to feel more distressed or retraumatized, especially if there are reports of incidents that have similar themes to the loss of your son.

It's understandable that you may feel that this behavior is automatic and out of your control. However, with practice, you may be able to identify other coping mechanisms that help you feel more supported and in control instead of relying on the scanner.

 

[Jade-]

Thank you for explaining. Just being able to understand things is very helpful for me.

Another trigger I have is being around my ex- husband ,my sons father. I really cannot bear being around him for very long anymore. At first I was thinking that it's just because he's an asshole but then I started paying attention to how I start feeling around him. It starts out okay and I feel fine and things can be going pretty good. But then I start getting internal shaking,I start feeling sick and my anxiety increases,similar to how I feel when I hear sirens but not as intense. And that's when I find myself saying mean things to him and starting an argument to get away from him. I just feel the urgency to get away from him immediately,

I am not sure if it's because my son looked so much like him,because he's his father or why he is so triggering. But around half an hour is the longest I can stand being around him before the feelings build to the point where I need to get away.

Should I apply the same suggestions you have given in this situation also?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Thank you for explaining. Just being able to understand things is very helpful for me.

Another trigger I have is being around my ex- husband ,my sons father. I really cannot bear being around him for very long anymore. At first I was thinking that it's just because he's an asshole but then I started paying attention to how I start feeling around him. It starts out okay and I feel fine and things can be going pretty good. But then I start getting internal shaking,I start feeling sick and my anxiety increases,similar to how I feel when I hear sirens but not as intense. And that's when I find myself saying mean things to him and starting an argument to get away from him. I just feel the urgency to get away from him immediately,

I am not sure if it's because my son looked so much like him,because he's his father or why he is so triggering. But around half an hour is the longest I can stand being around him before the feelings build to the point where I need to get away.

Should I apply the same suggestions you have given in this situation also?

@Jade-, it's good that you are noticing the physical and emotional changes you experience when you're around your ex-husband. It sounds like this may be a trigger for you, which can result in intense emotional and physiological reactions.

One approach that might be helpful is to plan ahead when you know you're going to be around him. You can use mindfulness techniques, progressive muscle relaxation techniques or deep-breathing exercises to help you stay focused and to calm and soothe your nervous system.

Another strategy you might try is to practice assertiveness techniques. This involves setting boundaries, expressing your needs and using "I" statements. An example of an "I" statement that might be helpful is: "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need some space." You don't have to go into detail about what's causing your distress. The goal is to advocate for your needs and express yourself in a way that feels comfortable and helpful for you.

Additionally, it may be helpful to explore with a therapist, the underlying emotions and beliefs that may be contributing to your reaction towards your ex-husband. Therapy can help you identify the root cause of your anxiety and address it directly. Working with a therapist can also provide you the emotional support and guidance necessary to help manage and reduce reactivity in triggering situations.

Remember, the goal is not to ignore your emotions or force yourself into uncomfortable situations but to develop ways to manage those emotions and reduce feelings of distress as you navigate difficult experiences.

 

[Jade-]

I am sure that telling him I am feeling overwhelmed right now and need some space would go much better than picking a fight with him. I will have to try that.

I guess it just feels easier to fight with him and then get away from him. Dealing with this grief of losing our child and talking about it together is too hard to do.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I am sure that telling him I am feeling overwhelmed right now and need some space would go much better than picking a fight with him. I will have to try that.

I guess it just feels easier to fight with him and then get away from him. Dealing with this grief of losing our child and talking about it together is too hard to do.

It's understandable that talking about the grief and loss of your son may feel too difficult to do with your ex-husband. It's okay to set boundaries around what feels manageable for you and to seek support from others who are better equipped to provide that kind of support.

You may find that setting a clear boundary and expressing your needs more assertively will lead to more positive interactions with your ex-husband, even if he may not be able to provide the support you need or want. As you move towards clearer communication, remember to be gentle with yourself and take small steps to avoid overwhelming yourself.

It can be challenging to change patterns of interaction that have been established over a long period, but it's possible with time and practice. You may find therapy to be a helpful resource as you work to develop new skills, manage your emotions more effectively and establish healthier boundaries.

 

[Jade-]

Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because everything feels so overwhelming.

What exactly is a nervous breakdown?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because everything feels so overwhelming.

What exactly is a nervous breakdown?

The term "nervous breakdown" is not a clinical term used in the field of psychology or psychiatry. It's a colloquial term that is often used to describe a wide range of symptoms related to overwhelming stress or emotional distress. These symptoms can include severe emotional reactions, extreme tiredness, feelings of detachment or unreality, difficulty thinking and concentrating, and physical symptoms like headaches or chest pains.

While "nervous breakdown" is not a clinical term, it's important to recognize that prolonged and intense stress can have significant effects on both physical and mental health. Some possible symptoms of prolonged stress include difficulty sleeping, irritability, depression or anxiety, physical health problems like high blood pressure or digestive issues, and a weakened immune system.

If you feel that your stress levels are becoming unmanageable, or if you notice any of the symptoms I mentioned above, I highly encourage you to reach out for help. You can reach out to a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychologist, to help you develop coping strategies and learn how to manage the symptoms of stress more effectively. If you don't have access to professional help, there are many online resources that can provide guidance and support in managing stress.