@Jade-, it's not uncommon to feel hesitant or worried about discussing difficult emotions or experiences, but it's great to hear that talking about your feelings is helping you. Speaking openly and honestly about your emotions can be a powerful way to process and cope with them.It's weird how talking about all of this is actually helping instead of making me feel worse like I thought it would.
@Jade-, it's understandable that dealing with so many bottled up emotions is exhausting and overwhelming. It's important to remember that grief is a unique and individual experience - there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, and the process can be messy and complicated.It's been extremely hard having so many bottled up emotions and I can see now that they have been leaking out in destructive and unhealthy ways.
I am so tired of people telling me how strong I am,I hate hearing it because I definitely am not. If they only knew how much I have been struggling internally and just sparing them by not telling them what I have been going through.I am so tired of hearing "I could never do it". They don't realize you don't have a choice but to "do it",what other option is there besides getting up each morning and putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on the best you can.
I am so tired of the other end of it,the people that tell me how I should grieve and how long I should. Someone recently told me "it's been over a year,it's time to get over it".The same person also told me I am grieving wrong. I am tired of people that have never experienced losing a child trying to tell me how I should think and feel. Or telling me they understand what I am going through because they lost a f*cking pet recently.,
I am tired of being told I have other kids or my son is in a better place,I shouldn't dwell on it. Things happen for a reason and any other cliche'.
I am tired of people being afraid of talking about him because they're afraid they may upset me. But what upsets me is them not talking about him.He is still just as much a part of my life as he was when he was still alive. I want to hear his name, I want him remembered. I want to hear stories about him and things that make me smile or laugh. But people are afraid if they talk about him it will make me remember that he's gone. I haven't forgot and I never will so I don't understand that logic.
I lost my son,and in a very tragic way. It's a huge deal. And I am so tired of having to worry about OTHER people's feelings about it. I shouldn't worry about THEM being uncomfortable if I try to talk about him. I am just so very very tired of having all of these different thoughts and feelings inside of me and carrying them around like a ton of bricks strapped around my heart.
So I appreciate being able to talk about it with you knowing I won't be judged or make you uncomfortable or any other human thing
@Jade-, it's understandable to want to find a way to honor your son and create a positive impact in his memory. Many individuals have found that advocacy and community outreach can be a powerful way to cope with grief and loss.My son had a substance abuse disorder and that's what he ended up dying from sadly. Since his passing I have been wanting to find a way to help others in some way,in honor of him.
Maybe that's what I need to focus on,doing something. I need a purpose again, I need to be doing something that makes me feel good about myself again. All of this wallowing isn't helping at all and is only hurting me more than anything else.
I miss him so much and it's so hard living without him but maybe if I actively start doing something instead of just wanting to or saying I will, it will help me.
@Jade-, it's understandable that being triggered can be overwhelming and that the roller coaster of emotions can feel exhausting. It's important to remember that healing is not a linear process, and that there will be ups and downs as you navigate grief and trauma.After I have been triggered by something I start spiraling down into the depths of hell it seems(and feels). And then I slowly start feeling a little bit of hope again and start pulling myself back up.
I visited his grave within the past hour and although it was sad, it also gave me a little bit of hope again because I started thinking about wanting to do something in his honor. It's like I forget about wanting to do that when I am struggling.
I hate this roller coaster of emotions. I know it's common while grieving and also common with PTSD. It just gets so exhausting. I guess I should pat myself on the back once in awhile though. I have PTSD from my childhood, and now this new trauma on top of it too, maybe I need to cut myself some slack at times instead of always trying to force immediate change. and then getting upset with myself when I don't achieve it.
@Jade-, there are many different forms of self-care that can help improve your mental and emotional well-being, and everyone's needs will be different. Here are some additional self-care practices that you may find helpful:You mention self care often. Besides the basics like adequate sleep,nutrition and hydration, what are other things that are considered self care?
@Jade-, it's completely understandable that losing your son has left you feeling paralyzed and frozen. It's important to take things at your own pace and not force yourself to do too much too soon.I haven't really been doing anything since losing my son. It has felt like being paralyzed or frozen in time or something.
I know I HAVE to start living again and I know I need to do whatever it takes in order to be able to. I think I need to make a list of all the things I need and want to do and take baby steps instead of trying to force everything at once.
I think the very first thing I need to do is to reach out to some of those supportive people that I have already talked about here that I said I cut out of my life. I need to stop isolating all the time.