Trouble accepting I am worthy of love

littlestars

Confident
I’m having extreme difficulty learning that I am lovable and deserve love. I weep hysterically when anyone is kind to me or says that the love me. I feel like I don’t deserve it. You’d think I would have accepted it by now because I’ve been in a loving relationship for over two years. His family loves me. My boyfriend adores me and understands me. What the heck is wrong with me?
 

Sideways

Moderator
Mod Note:
@littlestars - I've shifted the thread into the Core Beliefs forum, because this sounds like it's core belief territory ("I'm not worthy of love"). You're welcome to message us at Contact Us if you think that's a bad call.

And with that out of the way - have you ever touched on Maladaptive Schemas (or Schema Therapy) with your T? One of them is essentially the core belief that "I am inherently bad/unworthy/defective"... That is, this is a really common core belief issue that a lot of us folks struggle with (including me)...
 
C

Carol nay

I’m having extreme difficulty learning that I am lovable and deserve love. I weep hysterically when anyone is kind to me or says that the love me. I feel like I don’t deserve it. You’d think I would have accepted it by now because I’ve been in a loving relationship for over two years. His family loves me. My boyfriend adores me and understands me. What the heck is wrong with me?
I understand i deal with that daily
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
It's what that means to you somewhere in your mind. You have beliefs about yourself that are not true.

 

12birds

Confident
What the heck is wrong with me?
The short answer is nothing. The longer answer (core beliefs) has been touched on - it's something many of us tell ourselves that isn't necessarily true.

You’d think I would have accepted it by now
Brains are complicated! And we are our own worst critics, which is further muddied by whatever we've experienced. If you are working with a T, this would be a good thing to bring up when you are comfortable.

One thing I find helpful when I am struggling with self-perception is thinking about the evidence. For example, if I have the thought "I don't deserve kindness" I need to try to prove or disprove that with facts instead of feelings. Am I an unkind person myself? No. Do strangers on the street have a reason to be unkind to me? No, they don't know me. Do I treat my family with love and respect? Yes, so it follows that they would also treat me with love and respect.
 
i think it's a good thing you know you are loved, and are. That's something or a place to start, if you are and can recognize it.

Flipping it, I'm not sure if most people 'deserve to be unloved''? But even then, as @Friday said, their decision is theirs alone to make, one way or the other. if they are a good judge of character and that's how they feel about you, then you should trust they see plenty lovable about you no matter what you've done or gone through or that you think is unlovable about yourself. I am sure they would feel it a great loss to not have you in their lives @littlestars .
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I am going to suggest that it is impossible to feel worthy of love unless we have solid self worth/care/love routines in place for ourselves. Most of us have been trained in the worst of ways that to appease others is where our worth lies. That was a lie and seeing it for what it is critical to starting a self care practice of our own.

The biggest part of healing, imo, is to recognize that we need to stop looking to others to determine our worth and build a life around self care/love routines so we can build our own sense of worthiness. Once that sense of worthiness is in place for ourselves these things called boundaries all fall into place. If you love yourself it is impossible to allow others to breach boundaries if the requests are not in your best interest.
 
That's the thing @Freddyt , some of us can't. Not so much won't. Well just speaking for me. Love is foreign, or a loaded word like family or the like.. And doesn't bode well if you think you aren't very good for others, either. I guess the connotation might be more painful than a good one. And then there's the 'believing' part: we can know something but can't (not won't) believe it. They say self-compassion is necessary.

I think @shimmerz , you've just stated what 40 years of therapy would teach. And it makes sense, since most messages and even thoughts or perhaps beliefs even are sub or semi-conscious, especially if we're (unintentionally even) avoiding so much, we don't probably do self-care well or easily. So we constantly send ourselves the message of not having worth, +/or x, y or z. Which if already received is, well, confirmation. I'm not sure if it's the chicken-or-the-egg.

Really great and concise realization IMHO @shimmerz . Thank you.

(And thank you always, @Freddyt . You always come around at just the right time to remind me/ us that PTSD lies, isolates and is otherwise pretty deleterious and self-limiting if we buy in to what it 'tells' us and feels correct and obvious, at those times.)
 
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littlestars

Confident
What makes other people lovable or deserving of love?

Honest question, as I don’t understand the premise. When I love someone? It has nothing to do with whether or not they deserve it.
Thank you. This statement really hit home to me. I’m going to start reminding myself of this daily.

Love is a gift.....freely given, and is not earned or deserved, it only needs to be accepted......
Thank you 🙏
 
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