Trouble feeling loved in my marriage

[cheymander]

Lately, my husband and I have been fighting a lot and he's ready to leave. My PTSD symptoms are undeniably the cause of how he feels.

He feels unappreciated and I have been at a loss with why. Instead of feeling like he loves me when he does nice things for me, I don't feel anything. Love from others is a thing that has been blocked out of me. So I've been not appreciating those things outwardly enough. That's been understandably weighing on him and for the longest time he just kinda dealt with it. But now he is at a breaking point. I don't blame him at all.

Something else is the looks I have on my face and my tone of voice get so angry when I'm having flashbacks and I've never been good at communicating that I'm having them. So he's been automatically assuming that my anger is his fault when in reality it has nothing to do with him. I've tried explaining that it's PTSD, but it just sounds like an excuse. I also know the damage is already done from the pain he feels when he thinks I'm angry with him but won't tell him why, so at that point I feel like so what if it's PTSD? He's still hurting and it's all my fault. My communication skills plummet when my symptoms flare.

I don't want this marriage to end. I love him with all my heart, I just suck at showing it. I need advice on how to manage these symptoms in a better way so they aren't interfering with my marriage anymore.

 

[arfie]

i just passed my 43rd anniversary and ptsd is STILL messing with my marriage and just about everything else.

i take it play by play and make extra effort to make amends to the incredible man i married as often as i am able. i have heard and buy into theories of, "secondary ptsd." after living with my ptsd for over 4 decades, i believe my hubby suffers secondary ptsd. perhaps my most important amends to him are made with skills i learned from participating in support groups of simply listening without offering opinions. for these amends, i subvocally repeat the mantra, "ears open, mouth shut." i believe he mostly needs to be heard with respect, love and patience.

 

[anthony]

You are both responsible for yourselves, not each other. Put that into context before you speak or express yourself. Treat him how you want to be treated, and that is likely how he wants to be treated, as he treats others. If you want him in your life, you will go above and beyond in changing for him, not anyone else, just him. Find a middle ground is usually best. Start small and focus on one thing to change, when you have accomplished that, next thing. Don't change anything about yourself that is not true to yourself... though again, relationships are give and take, middle ground.

 

[cheymander]

i just passed my 43rd anniversary and ptsd is STILL messing with my marriage and just about everything else.

i take it play by play and make extra effort to make amends to the incredible man i married as often as i am able. i have heard and buy into theories of, "secondary ptsd." after living with my ptsd for over 4 decades, i believe my hubby suffers secondary ptsd. perhaps my most important amends to him are made with skills i learned from participating in support groups of simply listening without offering opinions. for these amends, i subvocally repeat the mantra, "ears open, mouth shut." i believe he mostly needs to be heard with respect, love and patience.

Thanks for your advice. Listening well has never been easy for me because of the strong intrusive thoughts and fears. It really is something I need to try harder to work on. I've been realizing today a lot that a lot of my fears of my relationship come from how dysfunctional my parents were with each other. There's always that background noise of waiting for my husband to stop loving me and it drives me into insanity with fear. I've been putting way too much weight on him and using him as a crutch in those times without fully realizing it. I just feel terrible about it now.

 

[arfie]

Listening well has never been easy for me because of the strong intrusive thoughts and fears. It really is something I need to try harder to work on.

solid empathy on how hard it can be to listen. in my case, i add hearing issues to the intrusive thoughts, etc. however, i solidly disagree on working harder to master the skill. when i work harder, the symptoms only get meaner. i work smarter, not harder. K.I.S.S K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple, Sweetie. ears open, mouth shut.

 

[Friday]

I've tried explaining that it's PTSD, but it just sounds like an excuse.

Has anyone ever looked or spoken to you like you’re a piece of shit?

How that feels?

Doesn’t go away with… sorry! Just my PTSD speaking.

It just doesn’t.

Now imagine if YOU were treated like a rapist, an abuser, etc. When you know you’re not.

It’s brutal.

When the people you love most; despise, fear, & are disgusted with you.

And it’s what he has been dealing with… for as long as you’ve been lashing out on him.

It may “just” be PTSD for you/me/anyone. But for the people who love us? They FEEL that hatred, that disgust, that fear.

It, very quickly, becomes abusive as hell. Unless you/I/we go to tremendous lengths to NEVER put that on them. But you have. I have, more times than I can count, but never with anyone still in my life. Because I hurt them too badly.

It’s extremely difficult, when you’ve been abused, to realize how badly you’ve been abusing others.

The only way to stop being abusive, in my experience? Is to own it. How. Much. Hurt. we have caused to others, because of our own shit. Not exused. We. Hurt. Them.

It’s easier to get a divorce and start fresh, with someone we haven’t abused, yet. And is very worth considering. How much is HE worth to you? As an individual? If not decades spent of him being afraid of you, and what you can become? Because you have BEEN the pain, the fear, the dehumanizing, the abuser in his life? You may wish to seriously consider granting him the divorce, and all the best wishes in the world. Because you have hurt him, and so badly, that he wishes to leave.

I know. Hard pill to swallow.

Ditto, no judgement, either way. Let him go and start fresh? Soooo much easier. Keep him, and attempt to atone? Decades of hardship. Both? Are good options. Depending on who you are, and who he is. Both? Are good choices.