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Relationship Trust and betrayal

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Sighs

MyPTSD Pro
So... I've been with my veteran for nearly five years. We've been living together for four years. In that time he has been verbally abusive and on one occasion physically abusive. He has always had old fashioned ideas of appropriate behaviour between men and women. He has always said that dishonesty and disloyalty are the ultimate sins.

Imagine my surprise to discover that he had been in contact with an ex-girlfriend behind my back - had had coffee with her some months ago without telling me and that on at least one occasion had contacted her and asked her for relationship advice!

When I pointed out to him that he had been dishonest and disloyal he initially denied that he had been and said that he had done nothing wrong. He has since apologised to me and is behaving like he did when we first met - nothing but sweetness and light - no lashing out at the moment. Trouble is I feel absolutely numb about it.

I am seriously considering ending the relationship over this. I don't trust him anymore. Am I over-reacting?
 
Makes sense.

Not in ending the relationship over coffee with an ex, but that every single other time you’ve come close to ending things there has been an in the moment crisis going on. You’re damn good in a crisis, and are in solve-mode until it’s over... at which point? It’s been solved. It’s over. There’s nothing “worth” ending things over, anymore, because the crisis is past.

This? Was months ago. There’s no crisis to solve. Nothing but you & how you’re feeling, with no distance between the two.

I think, for you to be happy long term? That there needs to be some subtle and foundational shifting in the relationship. Some of that has already been happening over the past couple years. Some of it, you’ve been trying for and -at best- it’s been bringing the mountain to Mohammed. f*ck subtle, but one damn piece of gravel at a time, and it’s likely to take your entire lives to get there. If you ever do.

So I think what I’d be asking myself is which of the foundational, subtle, and eternal problems are enough or too much. My old standby ;) What I need vs what I want. Because right here and now is the chance to do so, without being caught up in an emergency.
 
Am I over-reacting?
Definitely not over-reacting. I think, from my position here on the sidelines, that this is one of those situations where it’s crystal clear: this isn’t ptsd, he’s just treating me wih disrespect.

Maybe it hasn’t always been clear in the past with his behaviours how much his condition may have been contributing to the situation. If he’s not really disrespectful of you, and he only shows disrespect when he’s symptomatic, then maybe there is underlying respect for you, underneath it all...

But here, with this coffee date, the disrespect is clearly nothing to do with his ptsd. There’s nothing about that situation that he can put down to being symptomatic. He betrayed you, disrespected you, lied to you. Just because.

Can you stay somewhere else for a while maybe? With a friend? Seems to me that there’s the issue of the coffee date to consider. But also, perhaps reexamining some of the past issues. Is his history of being abusive (especially verbally - that seems to be pretty constant) because he’s got ptsd? Or does he simply just not respect you and happen to have ptsd as well?

Idk, but I can definitely see why the coffee date could be a final atraw moment.
 
I guess that's why I'm so upset. In the past, it's been (too) easy to excuse his shitty behaviour as being related to his PTSD. But this? This has nothing to do with his PTSD. This is simply hypocritical double standards at play. Its do as I say not as I do. And it's just garden variety being an arse. And, frankly, it was one thing to put up with so much poor treatment by a person I believed was a fundamentally honest decent human being (albeit with a mental health problem), but I'll be damned if I'll put up with being treated badly by a garden variety dickhead. Sigh!
 
If you do think about moving forward with the relationship? This may be a catalyst for reconsidering some behaviour boundaries.

It may be time that the “Sorry, it’s my ptsd” excuse gets shelved. Like, maybe we’re done with that. Done with excusing disrespect on any grounds. It’s not okay, and if you take him back after this? I think it would be fair to do that solely on the basis that the disrespect stops Now.

There’s ways he can sort that out. He could pursue treatment. He has options to help him salvage this relationship and his behaviour. It’s just a question of where his priorities lie, because it seems that the status quo just became unacceptable.
 
@Sighs When I first got here, one of my first questions to the group was whether there can be love without trust: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/is-there-love-without-trust.71448/

The answers I received helped me to move to a place where I could set and enforced boundaries, one of which was that I would be treated respectfully and honestly or I would leave because, without either there is no love and without love, you’re just roommates.

In my heart, you did not over-react. When he met with an ex-girl friend behind your back......at that instant the ex-girlfriend was the most important person in your relationship, not you. That action violates respect and honesty which tends to destroy trust and trust is the glue that holds us together. Trust and love walk together. No, you did not over-react.
 
I don’t think your over reacting at all. If the tables where turned how would he react? He’s being nice, like when you first meet. To me it shows he has control over his behaviour. If he’s treating you nicely because he fears losing you, he should be treating you this way because he values you very day.
Sign, you are a kind, strong, loving person and you deserve to be treated
with love and respect. If you decide to stay, now is the time to say “ hey! I am worth being treated with respect and valued. I’m a person of strength, honesty, integrity. I’m no longer your verbal punching bag, I’m your equal and deserve to be treated the same way I treat you. I send you hugs and support if you expect.
 
So after a couple of weeks of being sweet as pie he reverted to type last night and told me to shut the f*ck up. I told him to jam it up his arse. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He said "how long do I have to pay the piper for? I never even touched the woman!"

I left him to it and he later came and apologised. Today he is back to being sweet as pie. I'm still so hurt and angry but most of all sad. I wish I could flip a switch and 'get over it'. I don't know how long is reasonable to be upset, but it is what it is. Emotions are not necessarily reasonable.

This woman's godson is arriving on Monday to stay with us for a few days. Great. Nothing like a constant reminder in my face of the whole debacle.
 
Trust your gut!

I think he’s adding insult to injury by having the godson stay over.

I’m not sure why guys think that it’s only “bad” if it gets physical. The internet is full of these types....but I digress.
 
There really is no time limit. You have to go through the processing. Only you know how long it will take. You have a lot of hurt your holding on to. If he wants a relationship with you things need to change. As far as company coming to stay, is there someone you can stay with while he’s their?
 
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