Trust and self sabotage

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hymnless

Confident
Hi all

Ok so I posted a while back about trying to trust a new therapist. It worked out for a couple months and now I suddenly don’t trust her again. No particular reason, I seem to have just arbitrarily stopped trusting. I know that this is probably just me pushing away because I’m afraid, but I don’t know how to stop doing it.

Any suggestions?
 

hymnless

Confident
@Abstract we’ve talked about it a little in the past. I emailed her about something unrelated the other day and at the end was like “oh btw I don’t trust you. Ok bye!” So I’m sure that’s not going to be awkward or anything when I see her tomorrow. I think I was feeling a little closer, which made me nervous and uncomfortable. It’s funny you mentioned closeness- I recently determined that it’s not so much that I have a hard time trusting but I find the closeness that follows trust to be intolerable.

@UnicornSightings ha “fascinating!” :) we were working through making a trauma timeline. So I said some stuff out loud that I hadn’t said before. And by some stuff I mean saying anything at all about csa. Needless to say, I was in a pretty difficult spot when the trust fell away.
 
@Abstract we’ve talked about it a little in the past. I emailed her about somethi...
You have a great sense of humor. Blurting our something like that at the end of an email is something I would do as well lol! Vulnerability is scary stuff. When you find someone who can just contain that for you... yeah. I get it. Absolutely. I don’t know if I trust my t. I don’t know if I trusted my last one. I wanted to. Well good luck. I’m sure the appointment will be productive. Or awkward. Probably both. ;)
 

hymnless

Confident
yep. No words of wisdom there -- other than to tell you you're not alone. I feel that all the damn time,...
Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone is enough.

I’ve got an urge to no show to my appointment tonight. I’ve never done that and I know it’s a terrible plan but everything inside me is like “no, no, no, no, nopppeeeeeeee.” In the end I know I’ll go but it’s giving me a lot of anxiety.
 

MyWillow

MyPTSD Pro
Janina Fisher talks about inadvertently pushing a new client away because she connected too well at the first appointment. It pushed all the client's disorganized attachment buttons - that kinda push-pull thing - and set off alarm bells because attachment did not equal SAFE. It really resonated with me. Not sure if that's a helpful way of understanding.
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
I hope you make it to your appointment and feel safe talking about what’s really going on for you. It’s real and valid. It probably has nothing to do with your therapist, thought something she may have done or said could have been a trigger. I hope this will be an experience of safety for you!
 

Sideways

Moderator
going to keep going even when I want to run. That’s my goal for 2018 at least!
Really great goal for the year. Maybe add in to occasionally remind yourself: “I’m sticking with a relationship that is uncomfortable, because I’m worth it”.

I know the feels. Shared something big, leave appointment, and promptly decide “Well, that was nice, won’t be back”! Keeping a relationship with your T, even when they know your “stuff” is hard. But it pays off with the right T. When you go back again and realise that the relationship hasn’t changed just because you told them “stuff” - that’s important. That’s what healthy relationships should be like.
 
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