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Trust/commitment issues

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Yusuke22

Learning
So I have a habit of committing to abusive people. I was taught to accept verbal and emotional abuse and neglect from a pretty young age. I’ve never managed to have a healthy relationship. But I think I might have a shot at one currently. Thing is, it takes very little to convince me that I shouldn’t trust this guy. That he doesn’t actually love me. That he’s just using me. That he’s just not right for me for whatever reason I can find, basically. I don’t mean to convince myself of these things. Trying pretty hard to convince myself of the opposite, actually. Anyway, I keep pushing him away and I don’t know how to stop doing it.
 
I keep pushing him away and I don’t know how to stop doing it.
Catch myself.
Stop.
Make it right.

Repeat.

Over and over and over, usually at least a few thousand times… often across several relationships (both consecutive & concurrent)… until I’m behaving in a way I agree with at worst, or am proud of, at best.

If I reverse it and try and focus on the person themselves (trusting them, not pushing them away, etc.) I get a whole lotta nothing in regards to traction or changed behaviors. Because my issue isn’t with them, specifically. It’s with myself. (Throwing up walls, pushing people away, all or nothing thinking, not trusting my own judgment, overreacting, underreacting, shite for boundaries, not enough energy, lashing out, etc.)

If I want to change the way I behave? That’s a me-thing, rather than a them-thing.
 
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gentle empathy, crob. mistrust and pushing people away are hard habits to break when they are formed during early childhood conditioning. my 42nd anniversary is coming up and i still routinely feel this reflex with my husband. the two things which help me deal with this reflex are:

1) awareness of my own conditioning and reflexes therein. when i find myself mistrusting, i take a strictly personal psych inventory to determine if my own ptsd symptoms have been triggered. it isn't always easy to know and i won't get a clear read on the current situation until those symptoms have been addressed.

2) trust is not an either/or proposition. nobody is 100% trustworthy. when i find myself mistrusting relationships, i try to focus mistrust on the issue rather than the person. i can mistrust my husband on a particular issue without sending the entire relationship to the toxic people landfill.

but that is me and every case is unique. gentle support while you sort your own.
 
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