Trust Issues and Anger

BlueWeepingRose

Confident
I have such a hard time trusting people. It's as if I am always looking for triggers and thinking the person is going to do me hard. Sometimes when I think something bad is gonna happen, I can feel myself slipping away and dissociating. Pretty soon I am angry, moody, and assume the absolute worse. They seem very hurt by this but I somehow have gotten triggered and automatically think I am in danger again. My ex was a Narcissistist and he always abused me, for 6 years. Emotionally, Verbally, Mentally, Sexually, every way you can think of. He loved to play mind games with me and ignore me. Sometimes he would be playing mind games with me and confusing me. The one thing I noticed about my ex is that he hated whenever I did anything on my own, it's as if he wanted me to keep my main focus on him. If I ever tried to do anything for myself and not giving him constant attention, he would jump from his computer chair and come over to me, to kiss me, hug me and show me so much affection. However, he did this when he felt like it. Then he would go right back to ignoring me again and pretending I don't even exist. If I ever stood up for myself, I knew he would go right back to punishing me again and guilt trip me until I ended up apologizing to him. Nothing was ever his fault. He was constantly in the right and I was always wrong. About everything. He never liked to admit that he was wrong ever, he would shift the blame onto me. Once I remember crying in his bedroom and he didn't even look up at me to see if I was okay or even ask me why I was crying, he'd just continue to play video games and ignore me. I think I started to notice I was being abused when he would try to get a reaction out of me. He loved to ignore me and not give me any attention, it was always about him. I never got to say a word, ever. If I ever tried to, he would simply ignore me. I was very used to him ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment, it hurt me so much, but I loved him too. I just wanted him to appreciate me, but this never came as much as I wanted it to. By the end of our relationship is when I realized that nothing would ever change and I'm glad things ended because my self-esteem was so low at that point, that I couldn't take any more of it and I broke up with him because he kept ghosting me and disappearing on me. But now it seems like I am so suspicious of people and the motives they have towards me and I hope one day this passes for me. Does anyone else relate to me? If so, can you please tell me your thoughts and experiences with me. I'd like to hear them, thank you.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
it hurt me so much, but I loved him too. I just wanted him to appreciate me, but this never came as much as I wanted it to.
You might be surprised as you go through your healing to realize that it isn't really him you didn't trust at all. It maybe is you that you can't trust.

I mean, the guy sounds pretty consistent.

this
Emotionally, Verbally, Mentally, Sexually,
this
he hated whenever I did anything on my own, it's as if he wanted me to keep my main focus on him
this
Then he would go right back to ignoring me again and pretending I don't even exist
This all sounds pretty consistent , yes? Sounds like you could absolutely trust him to be a first class a**hole. Perhaps you just don't trust yourself to not see a first class a**hole when you see one? Maybe that is where you are stuck.

Do you have a therapist? Sounds like that would be a good start. It's a tough go being hurt like that. A tougher go yet to realize our own part in it. But that is really where the healing begins.

And yes, I absolutely have my own experiences with this type of thing. I won't bore you with the details. That is what my 350 some odd page diary is for. Don't give up. Keep working on you. Stop focusing on him. I learned that the hard way. :-)
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
It is normal to have more than normal trust issues coming out of DV. Most of us have Therapy as a huge start to dealing with everything that happened and how to move forward.

Did you have trust issues before the relationship?

It seems a lot of what transpires after getting out of DV is the unlearning. In other words, learning to trust, learning to speak our truth without repercussions, learning to trust ourselves again. It's a long list.

Of course, you can also share here and get feedback if you want it, from others who have experienced DV.
 

Recovery4Me

MyPTSD Pro
As many of us came out of the fog of abuse, we unraveled emotionally. The amount of our invested-interest, or the sheer amount of effort required to keep ourselves second in the name of love or family ... eroded our truth to ourselves.

Ultimately, I came to understand the largest betrayal was actually to myself - respect. Since doormat conditioning or past posture prevented me from trusting my new victimless discernment, I needed to rebirth focus on self. Hence the board name- Recovery4Me...because, I now was in charge of my own happiness, relationship to self and the healing that needed to be done.

None of us deserved it. None of us brought it on ourselves. < This is important to remember as we cycle through the grieving. It took courage for you to move forward and give up the fantasy of it all working out at some future time if only she or he does/ if only this happens/ if only we stick it out long enough (fill in your own blank_________). Seriously, breaking the addiction to toxic love is a life long journey. So be kind to yourself and stay strong in hope for a healthier way to live. 🤗 < if you accept: stay safe.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Not specific to this example but including it, I find my mindset follows whatever I let it start with: doom becomes fear of more doom, mistrust becomes more mistrust to find, fear becomes terror, etc.

Whatever the circumstances, starting new is a new slate. But it is terribly difficult not to bring the past forward, and to always look for the most generous explanations with people who deserve that (vs, as @shimmerz said, those who's behaviour has been otherwise).

Best wishes to you. 🤗
 

mshienie

Learning
Omg wow this sounds to be exactly how my situation turns into too. My ex was an abusive person and then turn into my father. It was crazy, I feel for you because when the times get tough you got two people in your life that become your worst enemy! My goodness, I am so sorry to hear that. I can't believe the amount of uncertainty that put you through. At times like this people should be encouraging you not to damage your system
 
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