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Truth!

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saraemerald

MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes I feel like I am lying when I am telling my story. Sometimes I can't believe it happened. But it did.
Sometimes I wonder if it is related to the fact that my dad called me a liar almost everyday of my life growing up from the time I was a little girl. Sometimes I feel guilty for things I'm not doing or think that someone might think I am doing something wrong and accuse me of something I didn't do.
 
Oh yea -- I tell my Ts that I am making it all up at least once a month. They say it's a pretty normal reaction because accepting what happened is so hard. Just last week I challenged her to explain to me how she knows I'm not just delusional (answer: can't fake body reactions). I sometimes think it would be easier to be delusional because there are drugs that can treat that and make it go away. Then I wouldn't be stuck having to work through all these stupid memories.

Guilt? Yep - got that. We are just starting to get into how guilty I feel that I didn't say anything - which may have led to others going thru what I did. T says it's all part of the process. oh yea..
 
Oh yea -- I tell my Ts that I am making it all up at least once a month. They say it's a pretty normal r...
Exactly. Sometimes I feel what I went through never really happened but i bet it was because from a young age, I started to learn how to act as if everything was normal because i was so embarassed about where I came from and wanted to pretend everything was so normal at home and everything was Ok.
 
I’m with you. I have this written on every mirror in my house to remind me I’m NOT crazy:

What I went through HAPPENED.
Who I was EXISTED.

Not sure where I read it, but it helps me ~ keep in mind a less than ideal upbringing set the stage for me and my big T wasn’t until I was 28 through 40. I actually kinda liked the woman/girl I’d become previously.

Oh well...
 
I already told my T my first visit that I'm crazy like one of those alien abduction people even though there's physical permanent damage. I didn't know this was a normal thing to constantly deny things while knowing they happened. It makes me feel a little better.
 
I think sometimes I want it all to be a lie, so I can go back to the relative calm of covering up and dissociating. Dealing with things are very difficult, especially when confronted with distrust and disgust as a child. It makes one fear that the liar gains more love than the truthsayer. Not consciously , but that is certainly the way of judge my behaviour from the outside.

It's good to see others trying to tell their therapist they are a liar . I thought it was just me. Thankyou for posting.
 
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