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Trying and Failing - My PTSD

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Randog, Apr 8, 2007.

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  1. Randog

    Randog New Member

    I'm a 44 yo w male U.S. Navy ret (24 yr). I have been diagnosed and am taking meds regularly Welbutrin and Zoloft in tandem. The problems started after about 2 months out of a deployment in Afghanistan.

    I have had alcohol problems since around the age of 12 and have strung several years together actually sober and in AA sometimes. Smoking weed is where I like to hide at the present time. My wife doesn't like it but allows it for now.

    I haven't been drinking too much as my drug of choice is weed like before I went in the service.

    I am becomming violent and am stringing together incidents. I had a road rage where I chased a guy for a half an hour before regaining control enough to break it off. I got drunk about 2 weeks ago and had a blow out with my wife which she does not deserve at all. Today I went off on some guy in the Wal Mart parking lot.

    I was really scared when this happend because I was on my way out to target shoot with my son. It was almost instinct as I went in the truck to grab the rifle. I snapped. No one hurrt but if this keeps up I'm go9ng to endanger myself or someone else.

    I'm depressed and extremly sad about the progression of this stuff. I'm in counseling and am also going to couples counseling with my wife, I'm trying but it just isn't helping. I'm posting to see what you have here and maybe I can get some advice or atleast write to someone who has had some of the same experiences advice from. I feel like I'm sliding down a hill.
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  3. moki

    moki Guest

    Hi Randog,
    You have come to the right place. I know that educating myself about this has helped me immensely and there are plenty of people on this forum that have similar backgrounds as you. The home page has a ton of information.

    Hang in there and welcome to the forum...
  4. willing

    willing Active Member

    Randog welcome. As you know being able to identify is 95% of the battle. Keep talking. This is an excellent site.
  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    Randog, Hang in there....

    Randog, Welcome to the forum!

    I too have PTSD and have had alcohol problems. I too strung together mo.'s at a time, initially...and then later yrs. sober. And, I too failed, only to get back up and try again. I returned to trying to use alcohol as a means of coping. For me, these countless attempts always failed. I haven't yet found the majic cure-all. I'd try to control my drinking and in the process damn well almost killed myself. As well as, I always found for me that even when I succeeded in some control with alcohol, I found myself having to hide-out from life, realities and even myself with other substitutions. No the subs. were not particularly marijuana, but none-the-less substi.'s that would hopefully allow me to postpone the inevitable and that being for me confronting Much traumatic Pain. And, the longer I avoided the deeper rooted it all was, and all the more suffering involved.

    I've found for myself, that there is no way around PTSD once you have it, but there is a way to find peace and strength in coping with it....and that way is right through the middle of it. I Never found this alone. And, yet this is the way I would've liked it. So you see, randog, I too have tried and failed, and that seems to be how many of us learn,,,through much Trial and error.
    Randog, you're familiar with AA and so am I. If you're dependent upon alcohol, or have been addicted, off and on, since you were 12, then perhaps there is still hope for occas. release in it for you, as you'll find a way to get rid of the dependence or move past its addiction.

    I'm different, though in that I've tried this time and again, only to find that I'm deathly allergic to all alcohol. All hell breaks' loose around me when I drink any. And depression and my other PTSD symptoms hit hard. Like un..f'n..believable.

    I've related to violence, incidents, uncontrollable rages and blow outs' with use of alcohol and subist. The subist.'s I chose were all short-lived, and I can almost pretend they didn't exist, bc in comparison they never matched up to others and the yrs. of use or addiction to them, but they were: pot, speed, pharm. prescr., cocaine. ...but even as short-lived and minor use as I like to think, it caused chaos for all. It never once allowed me to get to the root of my problem, which is PTSD.

    Randog, I think there's more hope for you than you may yet know. First, you're seeking counseling and you're clued in about your problem with alcohol since 12, as you stated this yourself. You also admit, that you hide-out in the marijuana use. You have let us all here know that you're scared, frustrated, depressed, extremely sad and feeling dejected.

    Believe it or not, these are all good things when they result is a new level of healing, new decisions, more willingness and acceptance of much hardwork and action. You Randog, have a lot of hope, bc you're still a free man, you've got the motivation and reasons to give up the old for the new, and you're on the right path in seeking help.

    My best to you and hope you will follow through in everything you need to heal and learn many coping skills that work for you and your family.

    Have added a couple quotes that I help me, hope they will lift you some too.


    When You Get Into a Tight Place...(Commitment)
    Harriet Beecher Stowe

    When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.


    Our Approach: Is Falling Failing?...(Journey)
    Mike Stratton

    While you learned to walk, you fell often...
    You fell often off your first bike...
    You usually fall off your first time in a kayak...
    So, when teaching climbing or just climbing rocks...expect to fall...expect to fail...
    teach how to fall...teach how to fail, how to help one who falls or fails
    (spotting and encouragement).
    Falling-failing is part of climbing and of life...
    The hard part is getting up and trying again.
    It's like knot tying...if you fail to tie the right knot, you untie it and try again.
    You'll feel much better, safer, and more comfortable with the right knot.

    ps. You may be wondering Randog why I took the time to write so much and try to be somewhat helpful. It's bc, I've related so much, I know and have been there with the PTSD, Alcohol/Subst. combo., and as silly as this may sound, one of the rewards I'm now again, receiving from my hard work and efforts is the return of a great deal of 'goodness' , gratitude, love and care for other human beings that has ended up, inaccessible to me, while buried below untreated / mistreatment of my PTSD, and under much quiet despair, lonliness and feelings of helplessness/hopelessness. This is me, I'm talking about Randog, not you, but if it can help, if only a little, and even if just to let you know another has read your post and cares, then good.

    You know, I've never been in the service, my PTSD does not come from this experience, and yet in AA, I've always felt a transmission line with men much older than me that have been in the service or at war, and with our many shared feelings, out' of control anger fits and alcoh. and/or subst. abuse.

    What a risk to post this, huh...it has never been easy for me when trying to communicate openly and honestly with another person....I suppose it might've been easier for me just to say, Hi Randog and welcome, but your post really touched and helped me too.

  6. Randog

    Randog New Member

    I'm reading.

    I am reading the thread and shutting up to hear it in my head.

    Thanks so far.

  7. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Welcome to the forum.
  8. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi randog, welcome to the forum.
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