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Trying my hardest is never enough.

Discussion in 'Depression & Suicidality' started by Jen93, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. Jen93

    Jen93 I'm a VIP

    Okay this is just ummm.... my traumatized brain right now can't really write or think very well so it MIGHT go over the whole place, bear with me here.

    I'm in a depression spiral again. It's been a month since a family tragedy and it's thanksgiving today and I'm honestly feeling like I have nothing to be thankful for. I just finished my weekend-job work and now I'm walking home and just feel expendable-Y'know? Like it wouldn't matter. One wrong step and life can be over in an instant-why not do it?

    My new weekday job is stressful too-I started maybe three weeks ago and I like it but I can't help thinking I'm doing an awful job and want to be fired or think I'm about to get fired; and it's so busy and I work nearly 9 hours a day and I keep forgetting to do stuff and I feel just like... I'm a mess. I'm an absolute mess. I was at the train the other day on the 5th (anniversary date of tragedy) and I was like "What if I just stepped into the rails?" That scared me. I don't THINK I want to die. I THINK I just want the pain to go away.

    I didn't even have Thanksgiving with my family because I had to work tonight. I spent my thanksgiving dinner eating some cucumber in the break room. I feel like I'm going to scream or cry hysterically and that if I do I'll just never stop.

    It pusses me off because the rest of my immediate family is fine. Why can't I be?
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  3. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

    @Jen93 , go to our Home page and scroll down until you get to the article on Stress Cup.... it sounds like your stress cup is full and running over. It's not a magic answer, but it does help us to understand. Are you in Therapy? If so, please share with your T what is going on...if not, then please see about getting one.. we can not do this by ourself all the time....

    You are good enough. you are tired, overwhelmed , working two new jobs, anniversarys, too much going on.... Grateful you shared... you are not alone.... we do understand. gentle hugs if you accept.
    Jen93 likes this.
  4. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

    Family tragedy, family holiday, new job... And you're still kicking ass & taking names. As well as you want to be? No. But give yourself some f*cking credit. Ton of stuff has hit your plate and you are still moving forward. That's impressive.

    Agreed... Stress cup. Any of these things are going to kick your symptoms up. All of them together? Hon... You are a total badass. I will admit, cucumber sucks, but f*ck me you still managed to eat something. Ditto, the train you thought about, and did what? The smart thing. Rubber meets the road and you made the hard choice, and the right one. Again. If you're doing this good when you're a hot mess & completely overwhelmed & feeling like death? I can't even imagine how much of a rockstar you will be once you've got your feet back under you. Or, rather, I can imagine it. And it's an exciting prospect.
    Jen93, The Albatross and ladee like this.
  5. Jen93

    Jen93 I'm a VIP

    I thought I'd check in with whoever is following this (if anyone is)...

    I'm still in a great deal of distress. I think I'm trying to think now of distraction techniques and coping techniques. I was thinking I'd maybe write a list of reasons for living-does that sound sensible? I'm finding that my thoughts are really impacting my judgement skills; but I'm still holding on, and it's still fleeting what ifs- so no plan; that's good right? I think it is. If it gets unbearable I guess I'll go to the E.R, but right now I think I'm okay and it's bedtime.

    Don't think I'm any better or any worse; just different things keeping my distress level where it is compared to yesterday. Obviously waiting forty eight hours didn't really work, so I'll wait another 24 and find coping techniques and distraction techniques. If that doesn't work in 24 hours I may call for an emergency meeting with my therapist.

    Thanks everyone for the stress-cup help stuff. It doesn't seem like it will get better but I hope that maybe it will; that's all I can do is the waiting game at the moment. It's always okay to wait and try to find other solutions. I am determined to try my best to lift the feeing.
    The Albatross and ladee like this.
  6. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

    Sending you lots of hugs for your strong determination to not let all of this stress take you down a road you really do not want to go down. And things do get better... and maybe an emergency session is a great idea.... you don't have to suffer.... yes we have to work to the other side of things.... but we really don't have to suffer while doing it... just a suggestion...
    Very proud of you for hanging on.... that will to get on with it will work for you in ways you can't begin to imagine.... you are very brave, and very strong, and very committed to healing..... you got this... it doesn't feel like it right now... but not self harming or planning the end, that is some courageous commitment.... sending gentle hugs to you, they are cyber hugs, but they do come from my heart to yours.... very proud of you !!!
    Jen93 and The Albatross like this.
  7. The Albatross

    The Albatross Product of decisions rather than circumstances Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    Please do follow up if need be with an emergency session with you therapist Jen??
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