Okay this is just ummm.... my traumatized brain right now can't really write or think very well so it MIGHT go over the whole place, bear with me here. I'm in a depression spiral again. It's been a month since a family tragedy and it's thanksgiving today and I'm honestly feeling like I have nothing to be thankful for. I just finished my weekend-job work and now I'm walking home and just feel expendable-Y'know? Like it wouldn't matter. One wrong step and life can be over in an instant-why not do it? My new weekday job is stressful too-I started maybe three weeks ago and I like it but I can't help thinking I'm doing an awful job and want to be fired or think I'm about to get fired; and it's so busy and I work nearly 9 hours a day and I keep forgetting to do stuff and I feel just like... I'm a mess. I'm an absolute mess. I was at the train the other day on the 5th (anniversary date of tragedy) and I was like "What if I just stepped into the rails?" That scared me. I don't THINK I want to die. I THINK I just want the pain to go away. I didn't even have Thanksgiving with my family because I had to work tonight. I spent my thanksgiving dinner eating some cucumber in the break room. I feel like I'm going to scream or cry hysterically and that if I do I'll just never stop. It pusses me off because the rest of my immediate family is fine. Why can't I be?