Trying not to be violent towards myself

goosegoose

Learning
You ever just have a day where everything makes you feel so suicidal? Like what is the point to ANY of this?

I haven't self harmed in almost 3 months and I'm really f*cking trying to keep it like that but I almost gave in - like truly gave in - just now. I'm really at my limit.

Crisis chat lines take hours to connect with a volunteer. I'm trying so hard to not give up, to not cancel my therapy session tomorrow. But I feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. Like screaming inside your mind kind of overwhelmed. I don't want this broken f*cking brain.

I don't have any friends right now that I can talk to or ask for support, which makes me feel even more isolated and suicidal. I'm probably gonna delete this tonight, too.

I'm just so tired and I don't know how much longer I can keep dragging myself along lmao.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
I like that you're reaching out not that you're going through this. Just want to say you are doing great not harming.

I know the dragging yourself along feeling.

I'm sorry I don't remember. Do you have a therapist?

Do you have grounding techniques written down somewhere that work?

What do you like to do?
 

StillPen

MyPTSD Pro
I'm glad you reached out and hope you find a way through without self-harming. You are not alone as I have had those days more than I care to count and say the exact same thing about my brain. I don't know what healthy copy skills you might have in your toolbox, but alternating a piece of ice on either side of my neck helps me ground when I'm in this place. Gentle hugs if you accept them.
 

goosegoose

Learning
I like that you're reaching out not that you're going through this. Just want to say you are doing great not harming.

I know the dragging yourself along feeling.

I'm sorry I don't remember. Do you have a therapist?

Do you have grounding techniques written down somewhere that work?

What do you like to do?
No worries about your like, I totally got what it meant.

Thank you for the little words of encouragement. I'm really in a thick mental fog right now like left is right and down is up. The dragging along feeling - like by your nails.

I do have a therapist. I'm still really struggling to trust her. I've been projecting angry maternal transference towards her for a while without opening up about the details so our connection is a little unsure right now.

As far as having things written down, not so much. I have screenshots of techniques that were shared in session with me and I can recall a few of them off the top of my head (S.T.O.P., deep breathing). I use an app called Finch that helps but moreso with long term self care. It has a deep breathing exercise that helps a little.

For what I like to do, that kind of varies. I usually turn to the art/music/weed combo but everything's kind of out the window today.

I'm glad you reached out and hope you find a way through without self-harming. You are not alone as I have had those days more than I care to count and say the exact same thing about my brain. I don't know what healthy copy skills you might have in your toolbox, but alternating a piece of ice on either side of my neck helps me ground when I'm in this place. Gentle hugs if you accept them.
Apologies in advance if this reply blends into my other reply that I just posted, I'm still kind of figuring this website out.

Thanks for replying, even if all you said was about saying the same thing about your brain it would still be helpful. The loneliness of SI is so overwhelming so a lot of the times even just being acknowledged helps.

I've tried ice before for anger/rage but it usually turned into me getting more angry or using the pain of the ice to SH. Finding the balance has been really difficult.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
I completely forgot to say yes I know the empty gnawing restless feeling. But you are better than that.

You really are.
Im dysregulated right now but
I really believe you guys can work through this. You're tired it sucks.
I get it. Sorry I can't explain better now why I get it but I hope you feel better soon and can rest even with your husband. It's ok to wait to have sex until you're ready. Here for you.

Oh and PS. When music art or my cbd won't cut it I gotta get outside. Bundle up if it's cold. Hide in a cloak if I have to but I just gotta get outside.
 

goosegoose

Learning
I completely forgot to say yes I know the empty gnawing restless feeling. But you are better than that.

You really are.
Im dysregulated right now but
I really believe you guys can work through this. You're tired it sucks.
I get it. Sorry I can't explain better now why I get it but I hope you feel better soon and can rest even with your husband. It's ok to wait to have sex until you're ready. Here for you.
I'm a lesbian and I definitely didn't wait lol, not sure how that's relevant but thank you for the kind words regardless. I hope you're getting through it safely, too

Oh and PS. When music art or my cbd won't cut it I gotta get outside. Bundle up if it's cold. Hide in a cloak if I have to but I just gotta get outside.
It was a little warmer today and I thought about getting out there but I was just done, absolutely beyond my limits. I'll try again soon
 
Top