Trying Not To Over React

[Tmt]

I had a therapist appointment. I checked in, sat and waited.... I waited 50 min. Then went and made sure she was knew I was there. Since I only started being able to talk yesterday it was insanely hard for me to try and speak to the receptionist.

So my therapist comes and gets me we go to her office. I tell her I've not been able to talk until yesterday. ( over a week in silence) I start to tell her why, which again is the hardest and worst thin give had to try and talk about thus far and she cut me off. She didn't have time to talk about it today but she's going to see me tomorrow at 8am.

She said she felt really bad. That it was a mis communication between her and the receptionist. That she's going to come in at a special time just to make up for it.

I'm home now and feel horrible. I feel like I was ditched. Logically I know things happen and it wasn't her fault. But emotionally and otherwise I feel stupid that I was going to talk to her at all. I can't get myself to talk again and I'm worried it won't end before tomorrow morning.

 

[Friday]

If you can't talk... Write.
If you can't write... Nod your head.
If you can't but feel stupid & horrible... Know you're not alone.

Not only have a lot of us gone through the inability to talk, but I feel stupid and horrible all the time, too. I try to laugh at myself as much as possible (laugh or cry). Other people have different coping mechanisms.

 

[whserenitynluv]

Exposure therapy will be the next phase in your treatment probably. My first stage felt a lot like that. I started to sweat in my first appointments before going in. I felt like I danced all around the room, different topics, recycling themselves. It's gotten better so don't give up! :hug:

 

[Tmt]

Things didn't go too well in my appointment. I couldn't talk. But she got that I wanted to and couldn't. Tryed emdr. I've done it before and it helped before. We've done exposure stuff but the thing is she doesn't know about everything so I think she was blindsided when I had a bad flashback. I don't know if that's even normal to have one like that when we are doing emdr. Just slammed into it when she stopped to check in with me. She said it lasted 45 min. It took me another 30 to talk again. She tryed doing this relaxing thing to try and get me to talk. It kind of worked but I'm still reduced to wispers. She asked me to email her so I did last night. I feel horrible and just kept apologizing in the email. She just emailed me back. It helped a bit. She said she's not giving up on me but I'm scared when she finds out what's going on she will. She Wants me to try to drop off my journal before my next session on Friday so she knows what's going on in my head. I am trying to write but I am having a hard time staying present. I don't know what's normal for this and what's not. I keep feeling like this is so pointless and useless... Like what is the point. I don't know if there is ever an end to this. I don't know if I'm making sense but I'm feeling pretty broken and on edge... Don't know what to do.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm surprised your therapist tried EMDR with you while you couldn't speak in session - how could she possibly know if you were stable enough. Actually, the fact that you couldn't speak says you weren't stable enough, have you been working with her long and has she done the groundwork re safety and stabilisation?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

[Tmt]

I should have been clear. I couldn't speak about what I needed to only surface stuff. I had started being able to speak 2 days before our session after quiet a few days of silence. She knew I hadn't been speaking very well though. Yes she did and has done grounding techniques. I've been seeing her over a year. She is really the best person I've worked with. I just feel like I failed this. Like I let her down... I think that prob. Sounds stupid but it is what it is. Does that make sense?

 

[Lucycat]

She said she felt really bad.

I'm home now and feel horrible.

So she feels bad and you feel bad. It is unfortunate but not catastrophic. You have been seeing her for a year so will know this is not her usual way of doing things. She messed up. Her fault not yours.

Just go with the flow and see what the next session brings rather than trying to predict how you might feel on the day.