Trying not to slip back into self destructive behavior

notdoneyet

Learning
I hope this is the right place to post this, didn't know where to fit this.

I'm really on edge rn, idk what's happening anymore, there's been so much shit piling up the last week and idk how to handle it anymore.

I've been trying to pick myself up again and again and not give up but I CAN'T anymore.

Idk anymore.

Sorry I think my thoughts are a bit all over the place, but what hit me most was that I lost two people I considered very close friends (basically got ghosted and blocked out of nowhere) in such a short time that all my self hatred is about to come out again.

I already relapsed with sh a few days ago and now I am honestly scared to fall back into all my self destructive behaviors to punish myself aka cutting, throwing up (i have an ED that i just recently managed to get mostly under control) sex with strangers that leaves me feeling absolutely disgusted, to just name a few, I already threw up because I feel so overwhelmed, I'm panicking and spiraling like crazy.

Idk what I'm trying to say with this post, I'm just trying so goddamn hard not to see myself as the bad guy rn, I know healing can cause you to lose people but what if I am the toxic one??
 

StillPen

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you are in the grinder and feeling so overwhelmed with emotions that the old coping mechanisms are the only things that seem like viable options.

Healing can def. cause the loss of toxic friends because they cannot or will not choose to grow along with you and it can be very, very painful and throw you back into old beliefs about yourself almost instantaneously. Just remember you don't have to stay where you are (si, ed, etc.). Forgive yourself for taking a step backwards. Acknowledge the hurt feelings of losing friends and repeat often to yourself that it is on them NOT you, even if it doesn't feel that way. Back to positive self-care even if it is one tiny thing. I hope you can work through the emotions and come back around to managing the stress caused by these events with positive coping skills.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
take it from a biologist/environmental engineer, notdone. there is no such thing as a non-toxic human. we all have assholes and good health requires we use them daily. then we get to all the goodies it takes to live a civilized life. nope, no such thing as a non-toxic human.

anyhoo. . .

healing comes with changes, most especially changes in interests. whatever your species, changes are a shock to the system and best taken one at a time with plenty of time to adapt to those changes. too many changes at once will send you into tailspins. relapses are also part of the healing process. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. easy does it.
 

notdoneyet

Learning
Sorry for not replying I had to process everything.
Thank you for your responses!
I took what you said to heart and it actually helped me see things a bit differently.

It's still complicated and confusing, can't deny that.
But I think I have more tools to handle situations like this than I had a few months or years ago, even if I might slip back into old patterns every now and then.
I just tend to forget that I know myself a lot better now (that sentence sounds really weird but I think you get what I mean)
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
apology NOT accepted for the failure to respond, notdone. in my own healing journey, i need to take things at my own pace without overthinking the process. to have that right, i must grant others that right to stay true their own healing path.

easy does it. stay true to you.
 

Friday

Moderator
LATE response… but as this is something many of us struggle with long term? Here goes!

One of the things I’ve learned is that my most self-destructive behaviors, are also my most desperate attempts to self-regulate. My noggin just takes a naturally extreme view on… most things. So my attempts to do right by myself? Tend to do the opposite, and do me wrong. But both the attempt & impulse??? Really is my extremist little brain attempting to find a solution to a problem.

So I’ve found that when everything in me starts screaming for one of my nuclear coping mechanisms? I can step it back, instead; or find a cocktail of “lesser” but more healthy coping mechanisms, to meet the same needs. I don’t get the same instanteous relief, but I DO start regulating myself AND am not having to deal with all the f*cked up consequences of the nuclear option.

For example?

- Walking away from my life >>> Taking a vacation
- Fighting for my life >>> Rules & Regs of competition fights, sparring, etc.
- Starving myself >>> Mastering a new cuisine
- Exercising to the point of injury >>> Finesse, or finesse & adrenaline, exercise (where the point is either perfection, or perfection at speed). Think gymnastics, circus arts, etc.
 
Last edited:
Top