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Trying To Articulate What It Is Like Being Me

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Joan

MyPTSD Pro
It is so hard to describe or explain just what it is like to be me
Sometimes I feel invisible, not seen by anyone
Other times I feel this flashing neon sign screaming freak, rape, dirty, trash
Most times I feel misunderstood and just not heard...yes there is noise coming from me, but it is just that- noise
I feel as if my nerve endings are all exposed, raw and painful- subject to being poked and prodded 24/7
I feel like I would love to just crawl out of my skin
The world is so loud- what seems like nothing and most would not really notice is invasive in my and screams threat...unsafe- run and hide
There is a jackhammer continually pounding interspersed with explosions
It is never quiet- never at peace
My body betrays me constantly reliving my attack...it feels as if it happened today
It hurts when there is no current physical reason to hurt
My brain betrays me as it replays my trauma over and over- I see it, I hear my attacker's voice
The words hurt as much today as if the threat currently exists
All this leads me to feel like I am crazy...like I am a freak
Then there are the flashbacks- so out of control- so humiliating, so embarrassed, so hard to explain
I feel so crazy, I feel like such a freak
I am so scared, I am so sad, I'm angry and I hate
I am confused and lost
That is just a taste of what it is like to be me
 
Joan,

I feel EXACTLY like this at the moment, so you are NOT alone! Thank you for writing; I truly mean that! I wish you peace and healing!

Holly
 
Wishing you peace and healing Joan, I am not where you are at the moment, but have been and it returns periodically.
 
I have felt like this many times before and it can be hard to pull yourself out. But it is possible and you are not alone. Try to distract yourself and feel some peace. You deserve it!
 
Sitting on the floor feeling all alone
Overwhelming emotions, overwhelming fear
Thoughts swarming uncontrollably
My body wracked with pain
My mind flooded with images and sounds
My heart pounding living out the fear
My stomach rolling feeling so sick
Feeling so different- so indescribable
Impossible to articulate
The world is so scary
Each and every noise causes me to jump
I feel threatened- unsafe and insecure
How can a few hours several years ago make me live in fear each and every day?
Alone and scared
Reliving the brutality, reliving the horror
Seeing and feeling the rage
Alone in my world broken, damaged and thrown away as trash
Untouchable and unlovable
Destined to be alone
 
Wow, can so relate. It does get better. Taken me until I was 50 after a lifetime of this. Are you around triggers/anniversaries right now? I know whenever I try to live with a man I'm right back in 'it'. Can't do it.
 
I am in the midst of some really hard trauma work with EMDR. I have been told that this makes your symptoms worse and though it is hell it is a good thing so trying to just keep my head above water and keep fighting.

thanks to you both for responding. It does help make me not think I am crazy when people can relate.

TLight I know that I am no where near ready to try to be with a man even though I would love companionship. Right now I have to concentrate on my healing.
 
How can it be that times this week I could recognize the fight, I could even feel strong and proud...BUT now I just feel threatened and scared?
I know I have fought hard, I have won many battles in life
Right now I am just tired of having to fight so hard.
My energy is waning- exhaustion sets in
My body is re-experiencing it all.
Isn't it bad enough I see all the images?
Isn't it bad enough that I hear his voice?
To feel it and relive it in my body- it is just too much.
My body is not mine- I can't control how it feels.
I just want to numb it, I just want it to end.
All those skills I have stockpiled- don't touch this pain.
How can he still have this control over by body?
I am told to nurture and love it- I really do try, it just seems it does not belong to me.
Distraught and scared
Alone and afraid
Why is the world so threatening?
Why are there so many scary things?
Guns in fashion magazines- REALLY- has that become acceptable?
Safety and security- they evade my every being
Always on edge, always alert
Scared of every noise, scared of every movement
They all seem so invasive.
This week the question was asked if people on the street make me feel safe
Hell no= the more people the more threat.
Too many to watch, too many directions they can come from.
I hate I am so scared.
I hate I want to never go out.
I hate there is nowhere safe or secure.
I hate that I can't explain what it feels like to be me.
I hate that I can't explain how I experience the world every day.
I hate I can't explain the level of fear and terror that are present.
That my heart rate increases when I walk out into the world, that I stop and get sick because I am so scared.
That a noise in the hall sends me to look through the peephole convinced someone is coming in.
I hate how I am
I hate that it is so easy to get discouraged despite strong moments
I hate being so alone and misunderstood.
I hate my attacker and how he radically changed my life forever
I hate all I have lost, what life has become
I hate feeling defeated
I hate living in sheer terror.
I hate that time is invaded with flashbacks.
I hate that I can't even go to bed and make it all go away...that nights are invaded with nightmares and flashbacks.
Somehow through this all I'm not ready to give up
I am at a loss what to do these next moments and hours.
I will just lert the tears flow- honor the sadness of life lost and changed.
I will try to find that fight- remember those times it has worked before
I will.........
 
Feeling so unsettled
Feeling the music vibrate the floor
Feeling like I am threatened
Doom is soon to come
How can it be...that what is "normal" apartment life feels like invasion is near?
I can only hope that the end will be quick and painless
This in between is utter hell
Each pounding bass note my heart hurts even more
It feels that death is near...but yet so far
How can I live with all this pain?
Why won't it all just end?
This is not what I dream of life...not what I envision it be
What do I have to offer?
What would anyone want to give to me?
Alone with my thoughts, alone with my fear...alone with the belief that this is how it will always Be...why would anyone want to join me in this hell?
Alone and scared..what shall I do?
 
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Just needing to talk to someone
Somehow this must suffice
So unsettled, so un-secure, so unsafe
Why is it that the world is so scary, why is it that I feel so alone, so overwhelming to anyone else
So misunderstood...how can I explain how threatened i feel?
How what seems normal to others feels life threatening to me?
how can i explain how scary the world is to me?
How can i explain that while logically I know that things are not a threat...they feel so much so to me now?
I am so scared at the moment
I want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok
to reassure me that I am touchable and loveable and I can do this
I want to feel loved, I want to love///but...
 
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