Trying to catch myself

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
I need arrest my "fall" and came here as an effort to shake myself "out of it".

Oh boy. It is a stressful time for all of the obvious and I made big changes, relocated etc. I was really looking forward to long awaited plans but again plans shot due to the obvious. Depressing but I hung on to the upside and got through.

I was hanging on well until I bumbled my way right over a serious issue. I am aghast. I couldn't have known so I don't fault myself but now dealing with it is on me.

The prospect of dealing with this has put me in the headlights. I can barely eat, and I can see the "look" in my own face. And the PTSD red flags starting to flap wildly. Get ready, here we go.

I'm looking at a 6-18 month ordeal.

Options? 3

1. This one is viable, makes me totally ill, I don't even know where to begin, it took me 3 yrs to get to where I am. Financial loss. Not heinous but not good.
2. Hire a lawyer to do it all. I would do it but I don't have the money.
3. Ignore it. I risk scary $ loss. Unwise. Not to mention now that I "know" it will eat at me.

What really bugs me? These last years of my life have been one "battle" after another. I had only a few mere months to putter around :( and it was so nice, so fun. I burst into tears just looking at my little projects, I was content and doing my own thing.

It has been decades now of myself.... pushing, telling myself to get through X, Y or Z and then I can relax. It just never seems to happen. Right when I think I arrive it slips away.

I am fantasizing about just grabbing my tent, walk away and just forget it all. I have already "accepted" major life losses, alone blah blah. I've given up on it all and just want peace in my final decades. That is all. That is all I ask for.

But I can't seem to get it. I had it years ago, but since I took that terrible turning point......nothing has ever been "right". Always another battle another ordeal.

If I had close friends, partner etc I know it would be easier but I don't. I am so tired of doing everything on my own.

I'm not tired. I'm something 100x worse than that. How does one describe the exhaustion and disillusionment of a lifetime.

But sure they say hey, it is short term, just get through it, you can do it! You are so strong! You have the sklls and understanding, no problem! Yippee! Go have see what your family wants to do and it wont seem so bad! Oh, no partner...any kids that can help? No? Really?

Oh.

All I see is another year lost, stress, stress, alone, stress, burden, burden another year "lost" sure next year it will be "over". I have told myself that for a few decades now.

I know I am catastrophizing some, I played "worst case scenario" and the "life isn't fair replay". None of it is helping.

Thanks for listening to my blather. Just stressed out x100.

Whirlwind
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
It's my home. A "safe" place is really important to me and despite my DV nightmare the settlement did something unexpected and after all of these years I am in my very own home. No one can take from me so to speak. I was so careful picking it, and also I relocated, it was scary but here I am. I got through that despite some crazy last minute challenges. Finally I am here and It is a huge security blanket to me. No one can bother me here, no ex to haunt the place. I've just been making it mine. I actually painted, picked out the colors. I would never have been "allowed" to do such a thing. I did some minor fixes and I'm proud of how well it came out. Saved money did a bunch of stuff and it is just my place. I planned to stay here for a long time, maybe forever it works for my older age.

It is still pretty bare as I am starting from scratch but even my empty walls are great, I imagine what I might put up over time. Hard to explain after decades of things controlled and taken, it is just special. I get a lot of light now and it is quiet, birds in the back and I set out there all of the time. I had given up on having a home again and it and it was so incredible that I do now.

No details but a construction problem and now a hot issue not just me but options being laid out, we make our own decisions etc. what really did it was the lawyer telling me/us we may want to consider moving, others say no, it will shake out properly. Ugh. I couldn't believe it and it hit me hard. It is all just so much right now. The odds of this happening, I feel like it is always "something".

I am worried about my decision. Not sure I can make a good decision right now or handle the stress of my decision.

Thanks for listening.

W
 
Last edited:

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry. That sounds super stressful.
Your save haven is under threat. I understand.
It sounds like neighbours are experiencing the same issue? Is it something you feel able to talk to them about? Share the feelings? And hear their decisions?

Is there a way of making peace with it or reframing it?
Whilst your home is your sanctuary, it's also you and your mind? You got yourself out of that relationship. You got yourself into a new home. You got yourself safe. So what you need is you making those safe decisions like you have been.

And if it is for 6-18 months - there looks like there is an end date? So maybe trying to find a way of managing the period of it being unsettled somehow?
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
Your save haven is under threat. I understand. Is there a way of making peace with it or reframing it?

Thanks for understanding. I'm trying. I needed time to regenerate before getting hit with a "battle" of any kind.

And hear their decisions?

That is part of the issue, they are actually looking to me. It is not just me, a neighbor cried during a meeting. I was doing pretty good but the reality of it finally hit me. I actually have to decide.

I'm thinking to just go away for a few days, camp etc but then smoke has me stuck for now.

All I can think right now is to try to find a way to delay the decision making moment, get some breathing room. I'm trying to boil it down to what is really stressing me out. Ok. Decision. So. Delay if possible.

Other stressor, never feeling for so long that I can't get a time to relax. One mission after another, my fault? Ok yes, sometimes, chose my ex, my bad. but not this, I couldn't have done this. Bad luck so be it?

Take care,

W
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I know this may sound strange,but are you or have seen a therapist? Sometimes they can ask you some key questions that may help you to decide. If you can prove poverty, they might be able to see you pro bono. (For free).
 

Starfire

Confident
I need arrest my "fall" and came here as an effort to shake myself "out of it".

Oh boy. It is a stressful time for all of the obvious and I made big changes, relocated etc. I was really looking forward to long awaited plans but again plans shot due to the obvious. Depressing but I hung on to the upside and got through.

I was hanging on well until I bumbled my way right over a serious issue. I am aghast. I couldn't have known so I don't fault myself but now dealing with it is on me.

The prospect of dealing with this has put me in the headlights. I can barely eat, and I can see the "look" in my own face. And the PTSD red flags starting to flap wildly. Get ready, here we go.

I'm looking at a 6-18 month ordeal.

Options? 3

1. This one is viable, makes me totally ill, I don't even know where to begin, it took me 3 yrs to get to where I am. Financial loss. Not heinous but not good.
2. Hire a lawyer to do it all. I would do it but I don't have the money.
3. Ignore it. I risk scary $ loss. Unwise. Not to mention now that I "know" it will eat at me.

What really bugs me? These last years of my life have been one "battle" after another. I had only a few mere months to putter around :( and it was so nice, so fun. I burst into tears just looking at my little projects, I was content and doing my own thing.

It has been decades now of myself.... pushing, telling myself to get through X, Y or Z and then I can relax. It just never seems to happen. Right when I think I arrive it slips away.

I am fantasizing about just grabbing my tent, walk away and just forget it all. I have already "accepted" major life losses, alone blah blah. I've given up on it all and just want peace in my final decades. That is all. That is all I ask for.

But I can't seem to get it. I had it years ago, but since I took that terrible turning point......nothing has ever been "right". Always another battle another ordeal.

If I had close friends, partner etc I know it would be easier but I don't. I am so tired of doing everything on my own.

I'm not tired. I'm something 100x worse than that. How does one describe the exhaustion and disillusionment of a lifetime.

But sure they say hey, it is short term, just get through it, you can do it! You are so strong! You have the sklls and understanding, no problem! Yippee! Go have see what your family wants to do and it wont seem so bad! Oh, no partner...any kids that can help? No? Really?

Oh.

All I see is another year lost, stress, stress, alone, stress, burden, burden another year "lost" sure next year it will be "over". I have told myself that for a few decades now.

I know I am catastrophizing some, I played "worst case scenario" and the "life isn't fair replay". None of it is helping.

Thanks for listening to my blather. Just stressed out x100.

Whirlwind
Absolutely hate it when people, including my T, point out how capable I am. How have made it thru worse. This too shall pass and all those others you have mentioned. Hate, hate, hate. Want to asked how they know this time won't be different. But just smile thank them for their kind words and assurances. Assure them they are right and just having a bad day. Sometimes plan their death on the way home!!!!!!!
 

Justmehere

Moderator
You mentioned a lack of a friend/support network. That might be something you can change in all of this.
No details but a construction problem and now a hot issue not just me but options being laid out, we make our own decisions etc. what really did it was the lawyer telling me/us we may want to consider moving, others say no, it will shake out properly. Ugh. I couldn't believe it and it hit me hard. It is all just so much right now. The odds of this happening, I feel like it is always "something".
Lawyers look at worst case scenario. “May want to consider moving” sounds like a lawyer laying out all the possible options, not declaring staying there hopeless.
 

AJ45

Confident
I need arrest my "fall" and came here as an effort to shake myself "out of it".

Oh boy. It is a stressful time for all of the obvious and I made big changes, relocated etc. I was really looking forward to long awaited plans but again plans shot due to the obvious. Depressing but I hung on to the upside and got through.

I was hanging on well until I bumbled my way right over a serious issue. I am aghast. I couldn't have known so I don't fault myself but now dealing with it is on me.

The prospect of dealing with this has put me in the headlights. I can barely eat, and I can see the "look" in my own face. And the PTSD red flags starting to flap wildly. Get ready, here we go.

I'm looking at a 6-18 month ordeal.

Options? 3

1. This one is viable, makes me totally ill, I don't even know where to begin, it took me 3 yrs to get to where I am. Financial loss. Not heinous but not good.
2. Hire a lawyer to do it all. I would do it but I don't have the money.
3. Ignore it. I risk scary $ loss. Unwise. Not to mention now that I "know" it will eat at me.

What really bugs me? These last years of my life have been one "battle" after another. I had only a few mere months to putter around :( and it was so nice, so fun. I burst into tears just looking at my little projects, I was content and doing my own thing.

It has been decades now of myself.... pushing, telling myself to get through X, Y or Z and then I can relax. It just never seems to happen. Right when I think I arrive it slips away.

I am fantasizing about just grabbing my tent, walk away and just forget it all. I have already "accepted" major life losses, alone blah blah. I've given up on it all and just want peace in my final decades. That is all. That is all I ask for.

But I can't seem to get it. I had it years ago, but since I took that terrible turning point......nothing has ever been "right". Always another battle another ordeal.

If I had close friends, partner etc I know it would be easier but I don't. I am so tired of doing everything on my own.

I'm not tired. I'm something 100x worse than that. How does one describe the exhaustion and disillusionment of a lifetime.

But sure they say hey, it is short term, just get through it, you can do it! You are so strong! You have the sklls and understanding, no problem! Yippee! Go have see what your family wants to do and it wont seem so bad! Oh, no partner...any kids that can help? No? Really?

Oh.

All I see is another year lost, stress, stress, alone, stress, burden, burden another year "lost" sure next year it will be "over". I have told myself that for a few decades now.

I know I am catastrophizing some, I played "worst case scenario" and the "life isn't fair replay". None of it is helping.

Thanks for listening to my blather. Just stressed out x100.

Whirlwind
Wow what an exhausting battle. Im in similar construction next door either move be driven insane or just stop fighting. You must be in CA smoke here is atrocious. I wish you luck!
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I need arrest my "fall" and came here as an effort to shake myself "out of it".

Oh boy. It is a stressful time for all of the obvious and I made big changes, relocated etc. I was really looking forward to long awaited plans but again plans shot due to the obvious. Depressing but I hung on to the upside and got through.

I was hanging on well until I bumbled my way right over a serious issue. I am aghast. I couldn't have known so I don't fault myself but now dealing with it is on me.

The prospect of dealing with this has put me in the headlights. I can barely eat, and I can see the "look" in my own face. And the PTSD red flags starting to flap wildly. Get ready, here we go.

I'm looking at a 6-18 month ordeal.

Options? 3

1. This one is viable, makes me totally ill, I don't even know where to begin, it took me 3 yrs to get to where I am. Financial loss. Not heinous but not good.
2. Hire a lawyer to do it all. I would do it but I don't have the money.
3. Ignore it. I risk scary $ loss. Unwise. Not to mention now that I "know" it will eat at me.

What really bugs me? These last years of my life have been one "battle" after another. I had only a few mere months to putter around :( and it was so nice, so fun. I burst into tears just looking at my little projects, I was content and doing my own thing.

It has been decades now of myself.... pushing, telling myself to get through X, Y or Z and then I can relax. It just never seems to happen. Right when I think I arrive it slips away.

I am fantasizing about just grabbing my tent, walk away and just forget it all. I have already "accepted" major life losses, alone blah blah. I've given up on it all and just want peace in my final decades. That is all. That is all I ask for.

But I can't seem to get it. I had it years ago, but since I took that terrible turning point......nothing has ever been "right". Always another battle another ordeal.

If I had close friends, partner etc I know it would be easier but I don't. I am so tired of doing everything on my own.

I'm not tired. I'm something 100x worse than that. How does one describe the exhaustion and disillusionment of a lifetime.

But sure they say hey, it is short term, just get through it, you can do it! You are so strong! You have the sklls and understanding, no problem! Yippee! Go have see what your family wants to do and it wont seem so bad! Oh, no partner...any kids that can help? No? Really?

Oh.

All I see is another year lost, stress, stress, alone, stress, burden, burden another year "lost" sure next year it will be "over". I have told myself that for a few decades now.

I know I am catastrophizing some, I played "worst case scenario" and the "life isn't fair replay". None of it is helping.

Thanks for listening to my blather. Just stressed out x100.

Whirlwind

Is this something you have to do-like you agreed to be executor-and the deceased is a hoarder kinda thing and you are looking at 3 years of clean up yourself, or call in the auctioneer. There came a point for me, I turned down a lot of money in exchange for my sanity.....and I stood to lose a lot in my actions.....how much is sanity worth? How much do these people mean to you? You can say no to anyone's demands....or you can just make a decision to take care of you. It all depends on what is most important to you.
 
Top