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Trying to curtail internal prejudice towards females (as a female)

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Julia426

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I'm a 15 year old girl that has difficulty connecting with other females. I think it stems from abuse at the hands of my mother, though my father was also abusive.

I view myself as a charismatic and sociable person. I fit in among my peers, but I've never had a female best friend. I have plenty good female friends, but I don't usually hang out with them outside of school or sports, and never open up and relax with them like I do with my male friends.

Since I was four years old, all of my best friends were boys. Everyone that I'm close with is a male. I find it very easy to bond with adult men, platonically, of course--male coaches, teachers, neighbors, my friends' dads, etc. I have an inordinate amount of adult friends--90% of which are men.Women and girls have tried to get close to me, but I find myself pushing them away.

I'm all for women's rights, and don't consciously push women away. I do it without trying. I'm trying to end that. Is anyone experiencing the same thing? Any tips on how to stop?
 
You'll get there. I didn't have a female best friend until I was 17 and now we're inseparable and text all day lol. It's not even necessarily to do with women themselves. It may just be you've not found someone you really connect with. I still have mainly male friends despite being abused by my dad. It's just my hobbies tend to be ones society deems as being male pastimes. I mainly play games and I'm really into military planes. So I wouldn't say you're prejudice tbh
 
I also have trauma issues with women, and find it impossible to trust them. That said, I've developed a really good friendship with a female about 10 years younger than me, but I consider her my best friend, and her mom has sort of adopted me as one of her kids too. As much as I still have misgivings, and find myself distancing without even thinking, I still have decided that these two women can change my mental programming about females. They know I have issues, and they don't pry, so I use them to try out being "trusting" and friendly. At this point, they are more like family than my own, even though I do have a part of me willing to walk away without a single look back.

Do I trust women? Hell NO!!! Can I fake it for a while, or just make little attempts at being friendly? Sure. But I still feel more comfortable with guys, my Therapist is male, and my absolute bestest friend in the world is my younger brother. I'm in my mid-30's and its taken a lot of hard work and pointed effort to get to this place where I can at least tolerate the presence of other women. It's possible to change the programming, just takes time.
 
I am a 37 year old female. I was much like you at your age. I had never had a female best friend and most of my friends were adults. I never felt comfortable with women. I tended to lean towards more male dominated hobbies like gaming before it was common for girls to be gamers too so naturally I spent more time around guys.

It really bothered me and I had the same concerns you do, but now as an adult I have a female best friend. It took finding someone who had a similar background to me. We bonded over shared childhood trauma and the rest fell into place. The bulk of my friends are still gay males though.

Better to have friends you feel comfortable with than friends where you feel like you have to pretend all of the time.
 
I finished college recently, so I still remember high school just fine. I had one best friend, and to be honest, she was an actual nightmare. So, now I don't have a female best friend. I've got a lot of male friends.

So, in my humble opinion, you're doing just fine. You seem intelligent and sociable, and that's enough. You'll meet your friends someday -- it's actually easier after high school.
 
Hi, I'm sorry that you are having this struggle but it's not uncommon. There could be so many things going on that play into what you are feeling. Your trauma, your inborn temperament, your socialization, the culture you are growing up in, your developmental stage all play a role in how you interact with your social circle. I don't know you well enough to give you any answers but I noticed a few things that might help you contemplate and find some answers on your own.

First thing is your wording. You use the phrase internal prejudice and I wonder how much of a male dominated culture you are immersed in. I grew up in a rather patriarchal household and it took me a long time to not see other women as my competition and possible ruination. It wasn't until I had kids that I was able to bond with other women.

Another thing you point out is that you have adult friends. Could it be that you are at a different stage in life than the other females at school? Trauma makes us grow oddly, fast in some areas and stunted in others. My children have the emotional intelligence of someone at least 4 years older than them.

You're also going through so many changes right now which is difficult in itself. You have friends and you are curious about yourself. Those are good signs.
 
Hi @Julia426.. I think it's OK. It's OK to have male friends. If they are good, treat you well, help, support. Care... Then that's great.

I don't think you should worry to much about female friends.. You will in time have many close female friends... You will know who to trust and who you want in your life.

I think it's more important that you have friends in your life... It's a good thing.

Take care
 
I'm a 15 year old girl that has difficulty connecting with other females. I think it stems from...

I'm a guy, but have known women and girls like you (but without the abuse part). They seem to sometimes refer to women in negative ways and somehow it does seem a little like prejudice against one's own kind, but I don't really know or understand.
 
As with others, I too, had a situation as you...an abuse mother and father. Because the overall abuse and rejection was from my mom, women are hard for me to get close to. I am now a grandmother, and have four close women friends, but it took years to grow the relationships. In high school through college, are where two of my lasting relationships started. BUT, the majority of time was fraught with mistrust and rejection on my part and the parts of my classmates. The distrust was mutual...mutual because while in the school environment, it is all complicated by the developing maturity of everyone around you. You all are trying to find out who you are and who best meshes with your personality and interest structures. That all complicates the issue with trusting women. So, as you, I mostly had men friends. I found them more trustworthy and much more interesting to talk to. Girls always wanted to yak about clothes, make-up, currents idols, and boys. To me the guys had much more to say about things. And, being a tomboy, I was able to compete with them on their level. Girls, not so much. So, I think it is OK to have healthy, social, friendships with the guys. With time, as you put more years under your belt, you will balance out a bit more concerning relationships. And though it is harder, there are some gals out there who you will be able to consider friends. At your age, it is even more frustrating to figure out who to trust, but just know that most women are not like your mom. And no matter what she has caused you think of yourself as, you are a person of great worth, preparing for a full life ahead of you. You are worth knowing and you will find girlfriends to enjoy company with, in time. And it is OK to be hurt and disappointed in short relationships with a girl. Those type of situations can go a long way in learning how to choose and respond to a better one. You are very astute to understand the problem you have with women. It took me years to understand my distrust. Understanding is a huge step in going forward to a healthier solution. I wish the best for you! Glad you found us here.
 
I don't get on with females that great - I think it's because of my trauma that happened early on, made me feel weird inside, and weird around them, through no fault of their own. I'm a handsome guy but haven't dated in many years... and as if you don't know, for us guys. We get a millisecond before a female decides she's going to write us off permanently after the first split second of meeting/seeing us; I mean that literally. So, that leaves me pretty much alone. I've missed a lot of opportunities with women I could've had. I've pushed a lot of people away.
I don't know how I could get over this, and at that point it's just water under the bridge. I just want to lay down and die, sometimes. I'm just tired. I'm nothing but a burden to everyone around me; (according to my dad) and my brother...and their right. I just can't heal. I wasn't resilient or prepared enough when this hit, I was tampered with as a kid. Broken, damaged, weird... don't play well with others. Loner, you call it whatever.
I don't have any good news for you.
I've resigned myself to a lonely life and probably death. And I'm only 31.

I don't get along with them that great - because they always try to hit on me; Should be a good thing in any other situation. Which sadly I'm not okay with, and makes me feel weird because of trauma. I just figured this out. I have always been weird around women, but I don't want to. It's a shame. I'm not sure how to get around this, other than talking about it.

As a result of this I kind of have a hate for females as you describe, or a dislike at least. It's hard because when you say this, as a guy you are lampooned immediately; we get plenty of press coverage of the other side, the other way; of females who are understandably risk averse with men; but you don't hear much about men who are weird with females, because I guess it doesn't matter. As a result of this I have a bitterness inside towards females that's not fair, but I know it stems from me, and not them. It's just not fair.
 
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