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Trying to make sense of it

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by a tired girl, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. a tired girl

    a tired girl Guest

    So about two years ago when I was 11, I went camping with my grandparents and my younger cousins in the summer, and because there were a lot of us, we all had to share a two person tent and a small caravan. My grandfather was in the tent, and we went on a 'rotation' of who was to sleep in the the tent, and who in the caravan. My body had started to develop and I wasn't really a child anymore, in the way I acted or looked. I went first for one night in the tent, and when I was trying to get to sleep, my grandfather began giving me a massage (I know this sounds strange, but that was 'normal' in our family - he's not an old and frail grandfather with white hair and all) but it went too far, and soon his hands were in my pants. I said to stop, that I didn't like it down there, and he moved his hands up, but soon his hands were getting closer to my breasts, and I turned over to 'block' them with my upper arms. A few days later, something similar happens again, and I confide in my cousin (we're very close) and she says something similar also happened to her. So, for the rest of the holiday, we try to avoid any situations like that, and do for the most part.

    The next year, I go with my grandparents again but without my cousins, so we all share the caravan. I always go to bed earlier than them, and next is my grandfather. Again, he tries to go places where I don't want him to go, and no matter how many times I tell him I don't like it, he will do it again the next time. My grandmother is completely unaware of any of this the whole time, and I also refuse to go swimming at the beach by the campsite now too.

    Around March this year, my cousin told her mother, who then confronted our grandparents about it. Apparently he had no intention to make me feel that way and 'still believed we were kids'. In April we stay with them over Easter, and my grandfather comes to speak to me about it. He says that he didn't mean it in that way, but that he was 'tickling me', that I was the one who 'turned over, and things like that can accidentally happen' and that my grandmother did sternly talk to him about it, almost as if he's trying to shift the blame off of himself and victimise himself.

    I don't know if he had sexual intent or not, and it confuses me because I don't know what to believe. In all honesty, I've never really liked my grandfather, and I can't tell if he's telling the truth. I feel like I can't talk about it, even though I know that would help me move on and 'get over it', because I don't know if it really is sexual assault, and/or what to do about it. I also don't know whether to tell my counsellor about it, because I'm worried about what would happen if my mum finds out - I don't think she found out, and I don't know how she'd react to it. If people have read all this, and are willing to give any advice, I'd really appreciate it.
    Still Standing likes this.
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  3. Suzetig

    Suzetig Still the Staff Kitteh... Moderator Sponsor $100+

    It was sexual assault, there’s no way to accidentally end up in a child’s pants and you saying not to should have been enough for him to stop if he was just playing, tickling or whatever excuse he wants to make. At 11 you are still very much a child no matter how much your body had started to develop - two years later you are still legally a minor.

    It may be worth talking to your counsellor about - given your age age may need to report to child protective services but all that means is they would investigate and your grandfather could try his “i was just tickling” excuse with a grown adult with professional knowledge and see how far it gets him.

    Being able to talk about it may feel quite hard but it means you can start to heal now rather than holding on to it for years and years, and still needing to talk about it later.
  4. Still Standing

    Still Standing I'm a VIP

    tired girl, @Suzetig, is right. Your grandfather was in your pants for a reason. There is no "tickling" accepted when it comes to being in the private areas of someone's body. And to know that you have a cousin with the same complaint substantiates your own sense that what he did to you was wrong. You do need to tell your counselor and your mom. It is better to have this resolved so you do not have to carry the affects of the violation and confusion into the rest of your life. It serves no good purpose for you to keep it hidden inside. And if you have other girl cousins that frequent your grandparent's home, they are at risk, too. It is not easy to inform someone that a family member sex-played with you but it is what you need to do. Your grandfather needs to be stopped. He is a danger to little girls. He is what is called a pedophile...he likes to touch little girls for his own pleasure. This is sick and horrible and unacceptable behavior. Since, your cousin already complained about your grandfather, your telling a trusted adult, will support and confirm her, and will contribute to the seriousness of this situation. Do not be scared to talk about this. It is the best thing you can do for yourself, your cousin, and any other little girls your grandfather may come into contact with. I am so glad that you were brave enough to reach out and talk about it, here. The reactions and thoughts you had about what your grandfather was doing to you was correct. It was wrong. It is sexual abuse. There is no other way to see it, regardless of how he wants to spin it. He was caught, so he had to try to cover his tracks. But, he will do it again...and again...if not stopped. He is a danger to little girls. Do tell your counselor, especially.
    AllisonStern and Suzetig like this.
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