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Trying

Maroon731

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She (therapist) keeps saying: you need to write more, and more and more. I don't want to write any more. I don't want the story. I don't want it to be real. I have never talked about it. I had been good - and never told a soul. f*ck, how messed up is that. I don't even now how to. My lips pursed, nothing to say. Time passes so eventually I open my mouth and nothing comes out. So she says I don't have to tell - my brain tells me this confirms my trauma is too much. I am too disgusting. And if that is proven wrong. If I tell her the power is handed over. The room for betrayal just grew. But the pain of holding on is so great that I am inching to risk the betrayal for just a little room. I am exhausted. I came too far to quit. I will never be in this situation again, I am certain I will never ask for help to process this trauma again. So for my own sake I must - f*cking stupid and this totally sucks.
I was 5 the first time I met the perpetrator, the abuse - started at 6. It was every summer until I was 18 and finally able to never go back. I never knew how wrong it was, it started so young. It felt like a duty - just something that had to be done. He lived in the house, he was the golden boy. I was the awkward visitor every summer. My dad was drunk, he didn't like kids much. He was successful and took us on trips. It was the hideous, white middle class household. I was awkward amongst the 5 children, I was the only child that was my father's. The abuse was started with promises and intimidation - to the point by 8/9 I stopped fighting. At 13 it changed because my body changed. At that point I did my best to tolerate.

I really can't type any more. Just starting to admit this happened. Because even though the memories are real, I had never allowed myself to process. The memories are plentiful - pick a year and most any summer night and I would say - yes that was the night. But as real as they are, I cannot put them into words. I don't want to admit it is true. I don't understand why I have to embrace the memory to make it go away. I have been running for years and yet she/T says I identify with this memory - bullshit if you ask me but maybe there is some truth. She says I really need to disclose. How do I do that? Is it really necessary? I get light headed just thinking on it. Tears want to come but they never escape. I cringe at the word trauma. And my best efforts I have just learned I can type CSA. I glaze over when I read other people's stories. I do hope someday I will be let go of this - but I don't know if that will ever be the case. If all I learn is how to talk about it, this will be disappointing. If all I do is talk and then end a T relationship, only to pretend like that didn't happen either, that will be disappointing. I pray to understand "healing" - what the f*ck is healing anyway? I would not have even thought I needed to heal if there were not circumstances that took me back to that town 30 years later. Is "healing" necessary - why can't running and denial work? If I were normal would I think I need healing.
 
Hi there Maroon731

First welcome to this site. I am sorry for what you had to go through to need a place like this. It showed a lot of courage to come here and reach out for help with something that is very hard to understand. Reading others stories and talking of yours. Helps us know it is not us that did this we are not responsible in any way. You are I am sorry to say just one in millions. Talking does get easier as you get along on your healing journey. there is no pressure to talk and you will not be judged here. I come here to be supported when having a hard time. I have made some friends here to talk to that understand where I am coming from.

Peace be safe
 
@Maroon731, this is a huge step in starting a diary. You were very brave to do this. It will get a bit more familiar and "easier" as you go..."easier" in that you will not be judged here. You, will however get support and understanding. Many of us have been victims of childhood sexual abuse, including myself. Talking about it does help. And safer yet, writing about it is a safe way to take what was in the darkness and putting it into the light. I am sorry you were so mistreated. There are no words to adequately express sorrow for one's treatment, as a child and young adult. Just know that you are in a safe place now and can write anything you want. This is your diary. This is your place to tell your story. Good job! :tup:
 
I want to thank each of you that offered support. It's been hard. I do feel after writing this last diary entry I am starting to see a little. I vibrate, like a 'tuning fork' (I read that in a book and gave such relief to know I was not alone, not crazy), I have also explained it as if I had been running a weed eater all day. When I talk on the past or get "triggered", I vibrate. It is just this last year I realized and can name this reaction. I guess I knew something was going on and I felt "different" for this reaction and yet it was a "familiar place", but, now I see it is a physical reaction to a trigger and rather than going down the hole, instead to somehow see it happening. So hard to stay with it, still trying to figure out how to stay with it. My typical action is to drink or smoke or play music or clean the house or eat - anything to get away. Tomorrow is my birthday - I want to try to do things different this year. If it doesn't work I can fall back to my old ways. But I do want to try for one year. And this time try differently - not force the try. The force I used in the past to get thru abusive situations or the force I use to try and show others I fit in, or I am good enough, or I am not disgusting. Instead of force, ease into being more authentic. Not the hard cover book that give instruction on how to be authentic, but really try to understand. I am going to be 49 - seems like a good year and something I can sort of wrap my head around. As my kids grow and I am faced with just me. The me that was abused as a child and the me that is starting to tell the story to myself, and tell that small child it is ok. As I did that I was thinking about quantum theory (I don't know anything about this theory or if I am even using the right terminology), maybe I mean just time and as I thought of that little girl (me) it occurred to me that she is being tortured every day and pushing thru while I ignore her and push her away. She hasn't heard she doesn't need to fight. Almost like my body has not heard that the war is over, hence the vibration can stop. I asked her (me) for permission to share the stories. And told her it was alright. Sounds silly. But, unrelated, the other night a teenage girl was at my house and had an extreme panic attack (EMT's came - so out of the norm in my world, almost like the universe was shaking me to wake up, this is not to say I would in any way wish this girl the panic attack) - anyway, I did my best to calm her down. I did not associate this experience until just recently. I talked to my therapist about it just as a story of what happened this last week and of course as I talked some associations ,opped up (I denied it but I see it now), and see how I could probably and should talk to my wounded self. It still feels fuzzy on how to do that in a real way, but, kinda makes sense. I still can't cry or really feel yet but I know it is there. I feel sadness, working on letting it out. I really hope coming to terms with the abuse rather than running from it helps. I really don't want this story but if I deny it - I deny so much. That little girl that just wants out, and wanted to fit in. It is all so confusing.

ps - to those of you that read these. I appreciate any insight. Reading and education has been the biggest part this year. Just this last week I was finally able to read some more personal or specific CSA information without getting totally dizzy or glazing over. It is still hard and I have a lot of work. Somehow writing some of my thoughts in this journal and reading others helps. I try not to get too caught up. I can totally use it to trigger disassociation, which I have noticed I like to do - so working on how that practice is not helpful in life (like smoking, and I enjoy that too but hope to stop tomorrow). I digress - what I wanted to say is I guess a member only has one diary page so I am writing this for me and will likely keep adding, but, may not directly respond to comments which makes me feel bad (sounds like a cptsd joke (haha)), having to explain how I use the diary to not hurt anyone's feelings. I would not have understood this cptsd concept if it wasn't for therapy and groups like this. Anyway, if you want to look that is ok. thanks.
 
This is a great start to your diary. Writing it all out, letting the story see the light of day, is really really tough. But you will find many who can share the same experiences with you - which may make it just a bit easier
having to explain how I use the diary to not hurt anyone's feelings.
This is YOUR diary, use it as you would like. You don't need to apologize or worry about how you are wording things. If someone is bothered they will simply move on.
Welcome!
 
Hey mate and welcome.
Sorry for the shit that happened to you.
You didn't deserve it, it wasn't your fault in any way, and you certainly aren't disgusting. The only disgusting purpose is your abuser, who makes a great candidate for involuntary euthanasia.

I've been where you are in my "healing" journey. There's no I in denial. It got to a point where I literally could not keep it in any more, no matter how hard I tried.

my brain tells me this confirms my trauma is too much. I am too disgusting.

No - your trauma is too much for your brain to articulate, but it doesn't mean you're disgusting. It means what happened to you is full on.

How do I do that? Is it really necessary?
Ah, disclosure.
To me it started with what I could cope with saying. I wasn't able to call it "abuse" or "rape" at the start. I wasn't able to say things like "she touched me against my will" or "she hurt me", even.
I could say "she touched me."
I could say "it was sexual on her part."
And.... that's where I started.
What came next was "I didn't like it."
Then "I didn't want it."
Then, slowly "she shouldn't have done it." Baby steps.

As to whether it's necessary, what are your other options? Mine were disclose, slowly, bit by bit, and try and get help or... implode.

You've gotta crawl before you can walk. Trauma's like a steak, you've got to cut it up into bite-size pieces, not try to swallow the whole thing at once.

I'll be reading along from here on, and I'll do my best to answer anything I can from my own experience.

You're not alone, mate.
 
I am glad you are here and writing about it. That itself is a huge step in your life journey (I am not going to blahah and say healing this or that). You know your life and you are strong enough to withstand all these. I am truly wishing you a lot more strength, love, and trust in yourself that you can handle anything. Your 6yrs old self survived what most adults could not. You are truly inspiring person.
Please take care of yourself. you have special spirit to teach others about empathy and love, and survival!
 
She (therapist) keeps saying: you need to write more, and more and more. I don't want to write any more. I don't want the story. I don't want it to be real. I have never talked about it. I had been good - and never told a soul. f*ck, how messed up is that. I don't even now how to. My lips pursed, nothing to say. Time passes so eventually I open my mouth and nothing comes out. So she says I don't have to tell - my brain tells me this confirms my trauma is too much. I am too disgusting. And if that is proven wrong. If I tell her the power is handed over. The room for betrayal just grew. But the pain of holding on is so great that I am inching to risk the betrayal for just a little room. I am exhausted. I came too far to quit. I will never be in this situation again, I am certain I will never ask for help to process this trauma again. So for my own sake I must - f*cking stupid and this totally sucks.
I was 5 the first time I met the perpetrator, the abuse - started at 6. It was every summer until I was 18 and finally able to never go back. I never knew how wrong it was, it started so young. It felt like a duty - just something that had to be done. He lived in the house, he was the golden boy. I was the awkward visitor every summer. My dad was drunk, he didn't like kids much. He was successful and took us on trips. It was the hideous, white middle class household. I was awkward amongst the 5 children, I was the only child that was my father's. The abuse was started with promises and intimidation - to the point by 8/9 I stopped fighting. At 13 it changed because my body changed. At that point I did my best to tolerate.

I really can't type any more. Just starting to admit this happened. Because even though the memories are real, I had never allowed myself to process. The memories are plentiful - pick a year and most any summer night and I would say - yes that was the night. But as real as they are, I cannot put them into words. I don't want to admit it is true. I don't understand why I have to embrace the memory to make it go away. I have been running for years and yet she/T says I identify with this memory - bullshit if you ask me but maybe there is some truth. She says I really need to disclose. How do I do that? Is it really necessary? I get light headed just thinking on it. Tears want to come but they never escape. I cringe at the word trauma. And my best efforts I have just learned I can type CSA. I glaze over when I read other people's stories. I do hope someday I will be let go of this - but I don't know if that will ever be the case. If all I learn is how to talk about it, this will be disappointing. If all I do is talk and then end a T relationship, only to pretend like that didn't happen either, that will be disappointing. I pray to understand "healing" - what the f*ck is healing anyway? I would not have even thought I needed to heal if there were not circumstances that took me back to that town 30 years later. Is "healing" necessary - why can't running and denial work? If I were normal would I think I need healing.

I shared this with my T today, typed and left for her to read. I actually showed up and I guess was so te'ed up we just talked lightly, on relationships some. My aversion I suppose of being able to attach, or trust etc. I had a hard time concentrating after she brought up an old relationship and his suicide which makes me vibrate some, I never think of that - it was 25 years ago. It effected me much more than I thought., the head just kinda pulses (nitrous like). I told her I couldn't relax since I have this paper. She says leave it. So I don't read it, I felt like it was cheating but also relieved. It was a good meeting, I leave. I left my thoughts along with some other thoughts on csa and therapy that I had typed. I didn't read them, I explained a little on how one was what I typed the day after our last therapy and the other was some reasons as to why it is hard to disclose. And I just left them. We both go on vacation. Will discuss, I assume, in a month when we get together again. On some level I feel relieved, regardless of the outcome I was able to let go a little - disclose a little. I have now felt tranced for several hours this afternoon, caught up in my thoughts (looping). Reading, thinking, drinking, etc - I mean numbing comes second nature, all good. I leave on a little vacation tomorrow. So I have to pull it together!
I have a month - I want to see what it would be like to give my brain just a moment to relax, not fight so much internally, and not anxiously await, allow some small emotions, have some faith and carry on. I think when we meet again maybe I can figure some more out. Maybe not. But right now I just want to let it be dormant and see what sprouts.
 
Mine were disclose, slowly, bit by bit, and try and get help or... implod
Yep -- mine went along these lines also. It's been 3 years and I still sometimes say "I need to confess" and she says "you don't to CONFESS anything - just tell me what happened" There is no rush in this. Let out as much or as little as you can handle. The rest will come.
On some level I feel relieved, regardless of the outcome I was able to let go a little - disclose a little.
Getting it out is the first part of healing. Think of ptsd as a wound - like a big cut in your head. You throw a bandaid over it and pretend its all better. But under the bandaid the wound has become infected and oozing. Finally you take off the bandaid and look at it say..YIKES look at the green goo in my wound. It takes a while to scoop out all the glop, then clean it out, drop in some antibiotics,and finally, after a while the wound is clean. Now it can begin to heal. And starting that process can be messy and painful - but once the bandaid is pulled off you know you are getting help. And that is a huge relief.
 
I feel a little space, I think. So much thought swirling all the time. But the jumble has a little more room to move in. The thoughts are a little more free. Wonder if that makes sense? It does to me, if I think of my brain as the room, some of the doors are not bolted as tight and I think it's ok. - also realizing the past is the past and I am not in the past. By allowing the memories a little room then I can admit they are the past. Not ignoring them from the side, but looking directly on, acknowledging (kinda), and just telling myself that was the past. The triggers are triggering things from the past. But the trigger is not bad. In fact, if I try I may even relearn to like some of the triggers (i.e. songs, physical attributes, objects, etc).
A few things happened this last week that were alarming and triggering. I made a different decision. I made a decision that was right for me, not right for the other person. Or didn't make it miserable for me in place of not doing what the other wanted. I did not punish myself. I did not play the game either.
The fact that I feel ambiguous about or not thinking too much on the details of these things tells me I am not totally convinced I will continue this way. But the fact that I see it, is a huge success I think. One that now that I see, I think the path will continue to unfold. I hope I don't sabotage myself. I am also not looking for that quick fix or feel good, or willing myself to success this time which I think that will help keep me from crashes. I hope.
So 22 days of no smoking cigarettes. That is huge. I have stopped in my life. But, and I feel this time is for good. I joke (sick joke I guess) but I would never have sex with a 18 or younger, I mean it is off the table - honestly I wouldn't with anyone even much older, and I don't have sex in a random way anyway, but, that is not the point. I look at cigarettes the same way, it is off the table at this stage in my life. This attitude has helped. But it is hard. Smoking for me was a way to totally hide and destroy myself. I was a closet smoker. I would smoke when my kids were gone mostly, or early morning/late night. And I would disassociate, and drink. And I find when I stop smoking in the past this timeframe, about 3 weeks in, super hard. Almost like it is hard to tolerate I am getting healthy. I need the dark secret. Ok, for some this may sound very silly. I mean it could be anything. For me, it happens to be cigarettes. This was also a split life in the sense that as a kid I smoked at my Dad's where the abuse occurred, but my Mom was so opposite, she was more the narcissist side, and her house was clean and no smoking. Anyway, I am rambling and I don't even think the smoking is that deep of thought. But I can see how I would miss this toxic friend. Now trying not to think about how I miss the friend/smoking because it is too easy to get it back, unless I think of my smoking as an 18 year old and then it is off the table.
It's been a couple weeks since my last therapist meeting. And a couple more weeks until my next. Every day I seem to wake up thinking I will cancel, or wait until the week of and cancel. Then the other side of my brain says why would I do that? Clearly it is helping as cited above. But I go back to my issue with small town therapy. I think I will actually see her at the school in another week. So weird since I l shared my concerns, and will be faced with the concern (likely) before I even discuss with her - since I typed it up and left it when I left the last meeting. Anyway, figure I won't let it spin me out. And if I feel weird then I can cancel. I hate that my brain loops on shit. This would not be the only subject my brain loops on. I am trying to not loop.
Which brings me to EF. I think for years I flash on the morning after the abuse. It went on for a long time and there were lots of mornings. And there were lots of people in the big house. And lots of secrets. Waking up and the doom that falls as I try to forget the night and gear up for the day. Walk out into the kitchen and hope no one sees me, or says anything. Just want to fit in and get on with the day, and mostly just forget! So, I have been reflecting on that and how I wake up early and usually with some doom on my mind. I wonder if this is a 'kid' thing, and conditioning from the abuse as a kid. And hoping I can change that. Again not force the change, but slowly and organically make a change towards or with the goal of waking up knowing I am safe. It is not like it is a conscious thought, but, I sense there has always been an uneasy feeling of many mornings, which I often go right past. Now that I am allowing certain memories and emotions to ever so slightly make an appearance, I am thinking that there is some conditioning that brings a sense of unease in the morning. And that is a habit or EF or just a symptom of cptsd - which maybe can be changed. And with that slight change could change the whole trajectory...maybe.
 
I have been in debate what types of things I would type and what types of things I write in longhand in my journal. The thing with my journals I usually don't go back to remember something, they typically end up in a hat box in the back of my closet never again to see the light of day. So my thought is I will type here what I am somewhat willing to tell my therapist, and want to remember.

So my T has commented many times on how much I move around and cannot sit still. I really don't notice that much. Which makes me wonder what other people do in her sessions. Like what are her other patients there for? Are any of her other patients dealing with my same issues or how should I be acting. But anyway, when I think of myself moving around, I always think of myself rubbing my right leg - like one would rub a sweaty hand over and over. And for the last year that was what I was thinking, it was a sweaty anxiety move. But just now while in the shower I had this flash of pushing his hand away with my hand. She/T and I had stumbled onto the word "relax" and how that is a trigger. Back months ago when this was discovered she asked me to think about other triggers. I told her I didn't think that sounded like very much fun and was not going to do that :-/. But I have that question in the back of my mind. And just now, the thought and memory I have is that was the hand motion that went with the word - when I was just so young, just a little girl. I would move his hand and he would hold my arm and say 'relax'. My whole body goes cold and light-headed (vibrate) as I realize or think on this memory. I have other triggers from that same time but not ready. So, for now, I just want to try and be aware when I do this in a casual setting and see if there is some trigger that I am can notice. See how I can calm myself or talk myself down when I see this starting to happen. I suppose that is what I am after and why I am allowing some of this to surface. To just not feel manic or withdrawn in certain situations, to understand my anxiety, to be able to engage and be more vulnerable with others, to trust my gut, to understand good and bad boundaries. Otherwise it seems illogical that I would want to remember any of this. My goal is to not put these triggers together only to obsess and be more anxious - but rather, to accept; and understand, and move -

Which this weekend - heading to the gorge, 3 days. relax, veg out to some super fantastic music for an adult weekend with some good people. And as these things come up I hope to keep moving, and this weekend I have permission to check-out and smile.
 
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