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- #25
It was a horrible appointment. I am super pissed. I had one foot out the door with no future appointment made. And at the door we talked for 10 minutes. The idea I was done, this idea that she didn't want to ask me any questions about my childhood because she said I gave off the energy that I didn't want her to ask. That I would unravel and spin out too much if we talk about it. That I couldn't handle it. I told her, look I live with this every day. I am trying to escape my hell every day. So I think she is scared to approach it with me. Of course that led her to say she is not scared or tentative. And then she apologized for not being more direct. And one foot out the door, no appointment - I don't ever have to do this again. And somehow she assertively says next week and I will block the afternoon. What I really want to say is f*ck YOU for being such a bitch - and that you don't know anything, and that you talked in circles for a f*cking hour. I am so mad right now. But this is my kid talking I know this. Because as a parent as an adult, I know she did what I needed. What I was begging for. But all want to do is RAGE. God help me this week. And what I would like to do is smoke. It has been like over a month so I know I would hate them if I bought them. But if I could go into a closet and drink and smoke and lose myself and tell the whole world to f*ck off right now I would. But instead, will practice not losing it and try to focus on work. After maybe a little self-medication of other sorts. Dammit, I wish I didn't type so fast I probably should not be typing all this.