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Two choices-fear or danger

Discussion in 'Anxiety, Panic & Hypervigilance' started by Keen, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. Keen

    Keen Active Member

    I don't want to live in fear, but it feels as if I only have 2 choices:

    1. Somehow make myself decide "who cares" and just live my life the way I want to, not worrying about whether my abusers may end up trying to hurt me again or kill me, and potentially exposing myself to the risk of getting harmed or killed (which I don't feel able to do)

    2. Continue to stay on guard, avoid places they might be, live way more isolated than I want to, but at least feel some sense of control and safety (which is miserable)

    I feel really defeated by this.
    Does anyone else feel like this?
    Has anyone found any solution or other option?
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  3. Still Standing

    Still Standing I'm a VIP

    Not knowing your circumstances but simply answering your question logically, I see that you have two choices. You can continue to live in close proximity and deal with the emotions that arise when you see your abuser, or relocate to an area away where you will no longer have visual contact. If it is a friend or family member, you would need to decide if it was important enough for your health to stop contact with them and move away...having a new start and a freer atmosphere in which to heal.
  4. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

    A self defense class?
    Sweetleaf and Keen like this.
  5. Keen

    Keen Active Member

    Thanks for responding, @Still Standing , unfortunately I do live in a similar area to my abuser right now, and am working to save enough money to move. But even when I've been on vacation in another state or another country even, I am constantly afraid that somehow they will show up when I least expect it. It seems like the fear will never end, and I don't know how to stop protecting myself and 'just live your life'.
    blackemerald1, Sweetleaf and shimmerz like this.
  6. Keen

    Keen Active Member

    Thanks, @LuckiLee , that is a great idea. I almost went to one several months back, but my anxiety was too high. Maybe I should try again.
    Sweetleaf and LuckiLee like this.
  7. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

    My guy (combat veteran) and nephew (LEO) teach self defense to young inner city girls. To watch them gain self esteem and become empowered is a really awesome thing to see.

    Best wishes!
    Sweetleaf and Keen like this.
  8. shimmerz

    shimmerz My silence spoke a thousand words you never heard Premium Member

    I am going to suggest that this is a therapy thing because the fear is so high that you can't shake it even if you know that you are distanced. Do you work with a therapist?

    And yes, I am working out right now how to gain my freedom back from being stalked and harassed. It is a tough one, that is for sure.
    blackemerald1 and Sweetleaf like this.
  9. Keen

    Keen Active Member

    Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. She just keep suggesting ways to lower my fear, because I'm afraid that my abuser seeing me will trigger them to harm me so I avoid most public places. I want freedom from fear and to have a better life. But i realize that it doesn’t feel safe to not be afraid. If I let my guard down, if I relax, I could trigger them to hurt me and it would be all my own fault it happened. I don’t want to let them hurt me, and if I’m not being careful to avoid triggering them, I’ll expose myself to letting them hurt me. Its only if I’m careful to avoid them that I have any control over triggering them to hurt me. I can’t control if they decided to do it on their own by just thinking of hurting me on their own. But I at least can avoid them seeing me so I don’t trigger them hurting me, so at least I’m not bringing it on myself. I just want to do all in my power to not get hurt by them. So I'm just feeling stuck, like there's no hope, just living in fear or getting killed.
    Sweetleaf likes this.
  10. enough

    enough Well-Known Member

    you have probably been made aware of what they like to call all or nothing thinking and possibly the concept of the false dilemma. I have, most probably because i, and most of us, think that way too. Just my thoughts on a subject that has been a part of the human condition since there were humans to ponder it: I think it has it's roots in the basic lizard brain problem solving flowchart we are all born with, buried deep but permeating our cranial soil for sure. Very likely first human had many all or nothing decisions to make. Hunt or starve. run or be food. swim or sink. A very binary life. it is the foundation for a lot of our thinking, can't be helped but it can be something we are aware of.

    In reality, today, here now, even the fork in the road decisions have too many possible solutions to even think you have them all accounted for.

    There has to be a way to live where you want, how you want. maybe you don't know what that looks like yet, but just the sheer number of possibilities makes the two you listed statistically unlikely to be the final outcome.

    Fear sucks, except for those few thousand times it has saved our friggin necks. See if maybe you can find a less self destructive way to prevent your own destruction, I bet you can, just playing the odds.
    blackemerald1, Sweetleaf and Keen like this.
  11. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    UGH yes, holy shit. I could have totally written your post, I have the same kind of problems going on.

    I wish I could just say "ah, who cares, whatever, I'm fine, he won't get me, he'll move on and I never have to deal with him again" but sadly I just can't make myself stop being afraid of him. I live in the same city as him, and due to some communication he sent to someone else (my old therapist, who read it to me like a dipshit), I know he's still thinking about what happened, and he's pissed about it, and he was trying to manipulate my f*cking therapist. Guess he kinda did.

    I feel so unsafe. I was just in my garage, and had a memory of him, and then felt like he was gonna be behind me, or in the garage somewhere, or in the house. I had to check around, and ground, and try to remind myself that I'm safe and he's not really here. It's really hard though because he lives in the same city as me and knows where I live. I have a restraining order, but that doesn't do much to help me feel safer.

    My pdoc mentioned a few things that could help, while I still live in the same city as him (or after I move away from it - I hope I don't have the fear of him this badly after I relocate) -
    Form a sense of safety based in myself, e.g. obtaining self defense skills and stuff, so that I felt safer from feeling like I would be more prepared for danger or whatever. (I couldn't possibly do that any time soon, uuuugh, noty)
    Safety based in another person e.g. spouse, family, etc. :( not looking good on that front for me
    Good support structures. I don't have much going on in regards to support. I am working on it though, I exchanged numbers with a few people from the trauma sensitive yoga group I went to. My pdoc is seeing about other support groups I could go to. I'm trying to branch out and get out of my shell a little bit.
    blackemerald1 likes this.
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