Two people with CPTSD as a couple?

that_1_girl

Learning
Do you think two people who each have CPTSD from lifelong trauma can be in a successful romantic relationship together and if so under what conditions? I’m reconnecting with my ex boyfriend who I broke things off with in October because we both needed to focus on ourselves. We are both sexual abuse survivors as well as many other types of trauma. I see him multiple times a week because we are in psych education classes together (not therapy groups!) I hugged him today and could tell I wasn’t the only one holding on. So when I texted him today I was completely honest with him that I still love him and never stopped, but I’m in full relapse mode with self harm and am seeking trauma treatment ASAP and that our relationship NEEDS to be platonic until we are both healthy. I told him I may never be able to be sexual with him that I don’t know if I’m capable of that but that I love him romantically and will wait for him because he’s the man I want and need in my life. He responded that he has been waiting for me and will wait for me for as long as I need to really get better but that he doesn’t want another girlfriend unless it’s me. He has never ever hurt me and has always been gentle and he knows about my past and my parts. My child parts we’re going apesh*t all day and are now shutting down because the children inside me don’t understand that he’s safe and have never met him because they don’t talk. He has said that he would like to meet all of them and treat them with compassion appropriate for their ages. He’s a seriously amazing guy and I feel like I’d be a fool to let him walk away, but I also know I need to get better for me and not for him and I’m committed to doing that but having someone who chooses ME first, before anyone else, is something I never thought I’d have an opportunity to have. What should I do?
 

joeylittle

Administrator
What should I do?
Sounds like there's nothing to do...I think this covers it -
our relationship NEEDS to be platonic until we are both healthy. I told him I may never be able to be sexual with him that I don’t know if I’m capable of that but that I love him romantically and will wait for him because he’s the man I want and need in my life.
But honestly? I think it's not a good road, for him to do this:
He responded that he has been waiting for me and will wait for me for as long as I need to really get better but that he doesn’t want another girlfriend unless it’s me.
That's a lot of pressure - both for you, and for him.
Do you think two people who each have CPTSD from lifelong trauma can be in a successful romantic relationship together and if so under what conditions?
Under the condition that they are both stable more often than not, and have done the work and put the support systems in place to be able to take care of themselves as individuals when needed. Otherwise, they won't be capable of bringing their whole selves to the partnership.
 
having someone who chooses ME first, before anyone else, is something I never thought I’d have an opportunity to have.

^I think you are awe struck that somebody could love you, choose you or maybe even just like you? And therefore you're surprised, delighted, flattered even? And obviously, you want to hang onto that attention and that lovely feeling. That's quite a normal response for someone that has trauma history.

Do not become engulfed in those feelings because you both, by the sounds of it, have a lot of healing to do as independent souls before you can start making promises for and to each other.
 
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