Two Years Sober ... and I've never felt so crap :(

Gatha

New Here
.. and I've never felt so crap :(

It's not a booze thing. I kicked that into touch with remarkable ease after a decompensated liver diag. I thought I'd be better able to sort the issues that led me to self-medicate as a sober person, but no :( I'm remembering so many forgotten things and forgetting just about everything else. I've been through plenty of therapy, but (in my case at least) I don't really rate the efficacy of such, on an alcoholic subject. Things tend to get overlooked, like the narcissistic husband that bankrolled the treatments. Not the first person that springs to mind as an aggressor (even the Ts missed that one!)

So I've been working in a pub for a while now! Yeah, I know. Why would a former alcoholic do that? It was my own take at therapy! I used to love it. When I'm feeling safe, I'm super chatty. Then I hit a blip with my housemate, another alcoholic narc. Of course I didn't see it coming. In my head, I was there to help her kicking the booze and getting her career back on track. I saw nothing but her good qualities. When one of my dogs started to act very strangely, I knew it was time to go, so now I'm in temp accom again. Ever since then, I've felt my HV (is that an acronym ? It is now ;) building. I worried that she might come into the pub and cause a scene (shame, embarrassment, ridicule, humiliation are my things). Then I started with other 'what if ? comes in' worries. A friend from years back came in and we had a chat, but I know that she knew something was wrong, I could barely stand up. Then a gang of lads came in and it got a bit scary (real this time) and one of them laughed at me because my hands were shaking as I handed over drink. It's now happening regardless of who I serve and my safe place of work just isn't anymore. I've been wanting to quit for ages now, but I'm conflicted. The Social are on my case to find more hours somewhere. I've spoken briefly to my work coach about my MH and he just doesn't get why I can sit in front of him and behave like a normal intelligent (dare I say witty) functioning person, but can't in an interview. My response: I'm wearing a bobble hat and a mask. You're behind a screen and frankly, I don't find you very threatening! I was going to add that I was 99% sure (simply by looking in his eyes, obvs) that he wasn't a sadistic homophobe in a drug fuelled rage, but we ran out of time (phew!), I'm babbling. The chances of me getting, yet alone keeping a job at the mo are not looking good. If I quit the job I have then I'm totally isolated and in serious financial trouble. I've habitually fawned, now I'm freezing and I just know that flight is coming soon. It's in my head 24/7. People get p*ssed off with work and walk out all the time, so why should I have an issue beyond the two I mentioned previous.. shame, embarrassment, ridicule, humiliation plus a bit of failure, worthlessness, weakness again. Damned if I stay or go :(

My head is fizzing so badly atm. I'm sure my Mirtazapine is making things worse. GP says stick at it. No response from MH referal. Can't remember anything about today. Can't do simple maths and I've spent 3 hours writing this. Total time warp. I forget to eat or dont remember if I have, which is bad with my liver condition.

I want to go see my EMDR lady again so much. I know so much more about me now.. it just needs re-prioritising in my head. What bugs me is that I suspect, if I told my GP that I needed access to an EMDR T urgently, as I was ready to reach for a bottle, they'd probably sort something out. I can't even use Horizons as I'm not an addict.

I have such a strong belief right now that I am fixable(ish) with the right help. Sorry waffle..

Happy 2 Years Sober to me :)
 
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arfie

MyPTSD Pro
is it warped to say i have often envied my sibs (i have 10) who were able to escape into a single addiction? they have a ready-made, culturally endorsed scapegoat to blame. i act out my insanity stone-cold sober. where's **my** scapegoat?

I have such a strong belief right now that I am fixable(ish) with the right help. Sorry waffle..

apology NOT accepted on the waffling. recovery road is fraught with ups and downs. waffling inevitable.

i stand by you in the faith that healing can and will happen with the right help. hope healing happens here.
 
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