Sexual Assault Tying to understand my abuser

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I know no one but my abuser knows what's going on in my abuser's head but a bit of talk about how abuser as siblings can react would be good enough to me

My story happened this way :

We are a family of two parents and three children, my abuser is the oldest and a man and I'm the youngest and the only daughter. When I was around 7 and him around 13 he watched Porno and want to test ideas. He used me for the test, my mother realized what happened and immediately took action to justice. Justice concluded he was too young to fully understand how bad was what he has done to me. Parents put both of us in therapy and sent him in another town to go to school only going back on weekend.

Nothing more happened for years.

Our mother died from an accident but my father couldn't replace her as parent since he was having a demanding job. He hired someone for housework he finally paid to babysit all of us. She was having for habit to do massages to us.

Around my 11 my abuser found he could touch me under the promise of massages. I immediately knew he was touching me in ways he shouldn't but keep carving for massages.

❗️It goes more explicitly from now❗

He was actually massaging me but rapidly go to not-here zones. Could places me between his leg and mimic sexual acts. He always undress me completely but never undress himself. Sometimes I could feel he was hard because he was lying over me. The fact he did enter my down zone or just caressed it is lost to me.

❗️end of explicit part❗

My memories sense of time is completely separate between abuse and the rest of my life so I can only guess it lasted years like this : like between 11 and 18, but impossible to place it in time markers. It didn't happened more than maybe 10 time the 11 part time I think.

Anyways at some point he did the mistake to use oil to massage me which odor I can't stand and that "woke me up". Just not going to the living room at night alone with him was needed to stop abuse.

At some point later our father got sick from cancer, got in remission and fall sick again to die this time. All this time my oldest brother seemed looking guilty to me. Later again my other brother told me he was aware for the 7 years old part and said oldest changed.

Oldest really changed at some point maybe while our father was sick. He stopped insulting me and made himself as helpful he could. When I decided to take action to justice i said I wanted my brother to know I did reported to police. I never knew if he knew that I did it. Because his age and my country law he never suffer from my report to police. When I told him later to stop messaging me first and to go through my curator for law needs he did it without questions.

From what I can see he actually regret his actions but couldn't take the risk to actually say he did it. He has a job he always want and a girlfriend.

Do I just see what I want to see ?

Also is everything understandable? English isn't my first language.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
I know no one but my abuser knows what's going on in my abuser's head but a bit of talk about how abuser as siblings can react would be good enough to me

My story happened this way :

We are a family of two parents and three children, my abuser is the oldest and a man and I'm the youngest and the only daughter. When I was around 7 and him around 13 he watched Porno and want to test ideas. He used me for the test, my mother realized what happened and immediately took action to justice. Justice concluded he was too young to fully understand how bad was what he has done to me. Parents put both of us in therapy and sent him in another town to go to school only going back on weekend.

Nothing more happened for years.

Our mother died from an accident but my father couldn't replace her as parent since he was having a demanding job. He hired someone for housework he finally paid to babysit all of us. She was having for habit to do massages to us.

Around my 11 my abuser found he could touch me under the promise of massages. I immediately knew he was touching me in ways he shouldn't but keep carving for massages.

❗️It goes more explicitly from now❗

He was actually massaging me but rapidly go to not-here zones. Could places me between his leg and mimic sexual acts. He always undress me completely but never undress himself. Sometimes I could feel he was hard because he was lying over me. The fact he did enter my down zone or just caressed it is lost to me.

❗️end of explicit part❗

My memories sense of time is completely separate between abuse and the rest of my life so I can only guess it lasted years like this : like between 11 and 18, but impossible to place it in time markers. It didn't happened more than maybe 10 time the 11 part time I think.

Anyways at some point he did the mistake to use oil to massage me which odor I can't stand and that "woke me up". Just not going to the living room at night alone with him was needed to stop abuse.

At some point later our father got sick from cancer, got in remission and fall sick again to die this time. All this time my oldest brother seemed looking guilty to me. Later again my other brother told me he was aware for the 7 years old part and said oldest changed.

Oldest really changed at some point maybe while our father was sick. He stopped insulting me and made himself as helpful he could. When I decided to take action to justice i said I wanted my brother to know I did reported to police. I never knew if he knew that I did it. Because his age and my country law he never suffer from my report to police. When I told him later to stop messaging me first and to go through my curator for law needs he did it without questions.

From what I can see he actually regret his actions but couldn't take the risk to actually say he did it. He has a job he always want and a girlfriend.

Do I just see what I want to see ?

Also is everything understandable? English isn't my first language.
I want you to feel heard today so I will answer with the small amount I think I know. There are many who have accurate knowledge and they will correct me.

To clarify my understanding;
1. You filed a report with the police.
2. Because if his age there was no action taken.
3. You've asked him not to message (contact you by phone) and he complied.

In my country - since your brother was over 18 the last time he violated your personhood - he is an adult and a sexual offender. Authorities must be informed so a perp is - at least - put on a list. Even if my best friend was sincerely sorry he abused somebody once and confessed this to me, I must report that. This individual must not be allowed to hold a position where contact with children is expected.

For this purpose, that he is your sibling (or even your abuser) is not relevant.

You seem to be concerned about his reaction to something? I cannot address your curiosity regarding his "changing" and how that will help or hinder YOUR recovery, which might be your most important concern.

Self doubt is common after abuse. But you know what you know.

PS: There is no need to give a warning for explicit or "triggering" content here.
 
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Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Well since I had no time markers I have really NOTHING to prove abuse was still happening after I was 11. So he was still minor at this time and didn't suffer legal consequences because of that
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Yes it is understandable that your older brother sexually abused you.

You are brave to face it.
I don't feel brave. More the opposite because I would just have to stop... trusting him ? Letting him abuse me ? Finding him excuses for his behavior?

Not sure. I barely fought back I had silly ideas about how to enjoy some TV time without being abused.
Most of all I was SEEING A f*ckING THERAPIST THE WHOLE TIME. like I was being abused then went to therapy I just talked about how school was.

I was more concerned that maybe he needed to touch someone that the fact it was harmful to me. I betrayal myself to "help" someone. Even now I care if it would be better for him I refused his acts.

I'm a lost cause you know. Autistic since birth. Without modern medicine I wouldn't live long enough to reach adulthood. That surgery that saved me also traumatized me in a way I fear people could die if I don't see them long enough or if they just go to hospital for random risk less surgery.

I know being autiste don't make someone a lost cause. My autism disable me in the things I care the most, that's why I see it so negatively. Communication, interaction with others people. It's the very aera that is the most important to me and I have the specific disability that affects this part. Just plain cruel. I long this, the very thing that means the world to me and the main aera I'm disabled in.

So yes I put importance in how my abuser is feeling. Not because he deserves more than me to be sane and happy but because if he actually cares about me and is ready to redeem himself then maybe I could understand that letting him abuses me wasn't good even to him. So I could stop thinking deep down it was a necessity to let him do that to me.

It didn't help him right ?
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
To clarify my understanding;
1. You filed a report with the police.
2. Because if his age there was no action taken.
3. You've asked him not to message (contact you by phone) and he complied.
1 with a lawyer. She sent it to police
2 yes
3 yes

Self doubt is common after abuse. But you know what you know
I know fact. I know I would be around being 18 when it stopped too. I know the things I wrote he did to me. That's it. I don't know more
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
The truth is I don't value myself enough to think I not deserve to suffer. It wasn't my fault but my life impacted my direct relatives in a very negative way. My mother suffered a lot because I would have died without medical heavy intervention and that scared her while she was already fragile in her mental state. She had a car accident because she was being insomniac from mental illness but still have to take care of a complicated case like me. It was too much to handle to her and she finally did the worst mistake because she couldn't take more.

I know it's not my fault she died. But I still feel like it was.

And even when my father was dying from cancer I was being in need someone to do everything for me. Cooking, doing housework, making sure I go outside time to time, offering some presence, letting me being alone in my room the rest of the time. Maybe the fact I was with him almost until the end comforted him but it came with a price.

I'm moody at best, in risk to do impulsive stupidity at worse. Not far enough to put me in danger willingly but I did stupid dangerous things.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
Well since I had no time markers I have really NOTHING to prove abuse was still happening after I was 11. So he was still minor at this time and didn't suffer legal consequences because of that
Do you have to prove Something?

You were 18 at the time of the last abuse. He is your older brother. He was over 18?

It's not because I suffer other people have to suffer
You fear you cause others to suffer.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
I don't feel brave. More the opposite because I would just have to stop... trusting him ?

You feel badly (like a coward?) that you were in a situation where mistrust arose?
Letting him abuse me ?
You think you let him abuse you.
Finding him excuses for his behavior?

Not sure. I barely fought back I had silly ideas

I'm a lost cause you know. Autistic since birth. Without modern medicine I wouldn't live long enough to reach adulthood. That surgery that saved me also traumatized me in a way I fear people could die if I don't see them long enough or if they just go to hospital for random risk less surgery.

I know being autiste don't make someone a lost cause. My autism disable me in the things I care the most, that's why I see it so negatively. Communication, interaction with others people. It's the very aera that is the most important to me and I have the specific disability that affects this part.
... and you are on the internet speaking to (almost perfect 🤩 as luck would have it) strangers in a language not your own, opening your soul very eloquently.

Do I understand this correctly?

You are communicating SO well I will stop for now so we dont pile up so much story that we dont have a chance to hear deeply what has already been said.
🤗

Just plain cruel. I long this, the very thing that means the world to me and the main aera I'm disabled in.

So yes I put importance in how my abuser is feeling. Not because he deserves more than me to be sane and happy but because if he actually cares about me and is ready to redeem himself then maybe I could understand that letting him abuses me wasn't good even to him. So I could stop thinking deep down it was a necessity to let him do that to me.

It didn't help him right ?
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Do you have to prove Something?
I was talknig about reporting his acts and him being legally punished for them. For that you need more than : maybe I was 18 then ? I guess ?
You fear you cause others to suffer.
I don't like the idea of someone suffering because of me. It's not something I really wanted at any point of my life. People have to face fallout of their action but if it can not be painful I would prefer it like this.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I knew it was wrong what he was doing to me. All along. the root of being brave is to face our fears. I only run aways from them. Dissociation, distractions, deny, waiting to see if problems solve themselves. I can't say I'm facing anthng. I can talk of that because it doesn't feel real. It's like it happened to someone else and I just happen to have access to memories and feelings.
In some way I could have stopped watching tv with him after the first time. Maybe like when I reached 18 he wouldn't try harder to abuse me. Now that it's over I'm feeling really stupid to not have tried this before.
I studied psychology (in my own by learning in internet) I know I'm blaming myself while I was actually the victime and not the problematic part. I know about survival mode, freezing, dissociation, wanting to feel in control by saying I could have prevented it. But my emotions don't care about what my brain knows. And I feel guilty, I feel like I should have stopped it. In my head I can so often hear : If I wasn't borned...

I feel like people died because of me. who ? when ? I don't know. I just have this feeling and hypothesis.

But all of that doesn't answer the big question : what is going on in my abuser's head ?

It's like I'm missing important pieces of a puzzle. So I do my best to find these pieces.

I was like asleep for most of my own life, I want things to make some sense.
 
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