Medical ultra sound with wand

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I've been having some health issues for a while- fatigue, increase in IBS symptoms, etc. I went to my doctor and had lab work done and my hormones are all out of whack. My doctor wants me to get an ultrasound with wand. I told her that would be super triggering and she offered to prescribe me a sedative to take while I do it. I said yes. I should call and make the appointment now but instead I'm melting down. I don't want to. I don't think I can handle it.

Reasons it's triggering. Past CSA. I don't want some stranger sticking something in me. And the idea of a sedative sort of scares me too. What if then I'm just not able to say no? a lot of my csa happened while I was half-asleep. I'm a trans-man. Dealing with female parts is uncomfortable. Going to get a procedure that relates to female parts while identifying as a man... ugh. And sometimes medical professionals are fine and cool and sometimes they treat me like some sort of curiosity there to answer their questions and explain my existence. Also, my body is covered with scars from SI and I hate for them to see it.

now that I've written this out it all feels like a waste of space. I'm just being stupid and attention seeking. I'm sorry.

And also, i know there is a similar-ish thread out there but I don't feel welcome there. please don't refer me to that thread.
And I'm sorry I'm posting when I don't give out enough support
I really am just being attention seeking and wasting space.
Sorry
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
This isn't at all attention seeking.
You are not stupid.

This is stressful, for the whole host of reasons you outlined. Just one of those reasons alone: it's stressful and traumatic.

Totally understand the feeling of not having control if you have taken a sedative. I suppose, what's easier to imagine: finding a way or feeling ok about the impact of the sedative or finding a way of feeling ok about the procedure without the sedative?

Do you have control over who will do the procedure? And if you get to meet them beforehand?
That might help you relax?

Is writing out a sort of care plan of ideally how you want this to go, would that help? Like best case scenario?

Just hearing you @Muttly. This is tough. Your feelings about it: totally and utterly valid.
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
@Muttly you are not attention seeking. You are as entitled to how you feel as anyone else here, never forget that I know it is hard and I wish I had some great wisdom to help you but just know we don't think you are attention seeking and you have every right to have a meltdown and to think that this procedure could be triggering and difficult.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I scheduled it. it took all day and a major meltdown but I scheduled it. dunno if I'm going to do it though.

I suppose, what's easier to imagine: finding a way or feeling ok about the impact of the sedative or finding a way of feeling ok about the procedure without the sedative?

i don't know. I don't know if I can let it happen without a sedative. But if I do a sedative I have to figure out how to get there and back too. I don't know.
Do you have control over who will do the procedure? And if you get to meet them beforehand?
That might help you relax?

nope. don't have control over that.

Is writing out a sort of care plan of ideally how you want this to go, would that help? Like best case scenario?

I don't know what that would look like. I've had the procedure before but I dissociated thorugh it maybe and don't remember it. except I think it hurt and wasn't supposed to hurt? How would writing a care plan work? sorry that's probably a stupid question.
 

Sideways

Moderator
But if I do a sedative I have to figure out how to get there and back too.
Cab?
Definitely worth a thought. I'd give a lot of money to go back in time and organise to have done it sedated. Anything to take the edge off, and reduce the amount of distress I'm dealing with when I go home.
How would writing a care plan work?
For me?

How am I getting there and home? And what time?

Do I have time off work? Have I allowed sufficient time off work?

Do I have meds ready to take as prn when I get home? (I'm gonna want some valium to bomb out, and sleep through it, because that's how I cope...if you cope best by doing something else after distressing situations, then arrange for that to happen easily)

Have I told my T? (Email is fine)

Have I organised for my T to follow up with me? (I'm gonna need at least a phone appointment the following day...I need that, even if I don't want it, even if I say nothing...what do you need, as objectively as you can be about it, knowing your history of how you best deal with distressing situations)

Do I need/have a support person? (Me? Nope, but many people do better. And often? They don't need to be close, they're there to catch you if you fall, and otherwise just make painful, awkward small talk)

Have I told significant others who can offer support? Or who may say/do something reeeeally unhelpful if they don't know? (For example, W)

Have I got tissues? Water? Pain killers? Big dark sunglasses? (All need to be in my handbag!) And a frozen meal in the freezer?

Am I going to tell them I have ptsd (fk yes!)?
Am I going to be able to tell them out loud when it comes to the crunch, so they know why I'm silently sobbing to myself, and that under no circumstances should they touch the back of my neck? (Enter bigtime personal trigger issue here)? Hell no! So I'm writing that on a slip of paper, which goes in the handbag, and I'm gonna slip that to the receptionist or the lady with the wand.

Which is the most comfortable outfit that I can get on/off easily?

I have an assistance dog. I'm gonna call ahead and tell them he'll be with me, so that we can skip that conversation when I get there. In the absence of a dog, do I have grounding fiddly things (some people have a Grounding Kit - consider making one of those for yourself) in my handbag that I can use in the waiting room (small teddy, rocks, fidget spinner, game of solitaire loaded and ready to go on my phone, whatever works for you).

Just some ideas to help get you started on what your care plan might need to include:)
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I agree: booking it is major self care.
Going to it is: major self care.
Thinking about how to manage it all: major self care.

Whilst it might not feel like it one bit: it's showing your strength.

Is there someone who can go with you? To wait outside for you and take you home?

All the list @Sideways said are really good things to think about.
Getting a cab sounds a good idea.

Does breathing help? I'm problematic with breathing, as it reminds me of my body and that becomes problematic at points of stress like this. But other times it helps.

Would listening to music during it help?

What calms you at other times and can you try that during this?

Don't know if this helps. But I re booked my smear for this clinic for sexual trauma survivors. And they want me to write down or say my care plan. So I have put things like:
Tell me exactly what is going to happen and what they are doing. As talking about something else with the aim to divert my attention from the fact they have put something inside me is ultra triggering for me.
And where I want them to stand. I.e not by my side so they are mostly over me. I want them down by my feet, and sat down, so they lean forward. Less intimidating for me.

I can't remember what else I wrote. And I don't know if that is helpful.
But if things like that made it better for you, would you be able to say or write it down and hand it to them?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
It's stupid I'm making such a big deal out of this.
I can't even pull it together to figure out a ride. It would have to be uber or lyft. There's no cabs. And I've never done either of those and I got to the point where I discovered I have to download the app on my phone and froze. I just can't. If I wasn't being so stupid I could just drive myself.
It's stupid I created so much drama here and with my T.
I really, really need to just suck it up.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
ok, sorry I've been so nuts. managed to get hyper mutt out for a walk and even though he drove me a bit crazy it helped.

for the ride. I can't figure out how to schedule one and if I do it through uber it's going to be crazy expensive. sigh. There's a friend and I could offer to trade some dog walks for a ride, but I don't really feel close enough to her that I necessarily want her to know what's going on. I mean, an uber would be a stranger and that's kind of hard and scary but at least I wouldn't owe any explanation.

music is a really good idea and always helps me cope. so does having something to fidget with in my pocket while I'm waiting.

I have enough time off work for the day of the procedure. I don't have the next day off which is probably good? It means high functioning parts will come out to show up to work probably. When I'm really going to fall apart is the first day off work I have after to the procedure. I should have a plan for that I guess.

sigh. k, my brain just spun out.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds like you got a really good plan coming together.

A friend only needs to know what you're ok with sharing. They are your friend and will respect your privacy.

Are you able to give yourself a bit of a pause on making more plans about it for today if it's too much now? You've done a lot already.
 

Friday

Moderator
There's a friend and I could offer to trade some dog walks for a ride, but I don't really feel close enough to her that I necessarily want her to know what's going on. I mean, an uber would be a stranger and that's kind of hard and scary but at least I wouldn't owe any explanation.
Split the difference… Get the friend to drop you OFF for the appointment, Uber to take you home.

Saves half the cash AND the explanation… because the friend doesn’t need to wait, nor be in any way prepared for you being cross eyed coming out. You have a ride home, just need to get dropped off, & might could she be willing to trade some dog walking for the favor?
 
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