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Relationship Unbelievable

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Tracee

Learning
Hi all,

I just joined this forum yesterday, and it’s already been incredibly helpful. The situation that brought me here is a recent relationship with a sufferer who dumped me completely unexpectedly after what I considered to be a minor tiff. I’ve gone from six months ago being the love of his life, up until even a week or two ago, to being unceremoniously dumped via email, and he’s gone full no-contact on me.

I’m not sure whether I can expect to ever hear from him again, but this is extremely painful for me, as I have unresolved abandonment issues stemming from long-term parental rejection, childhood abuse and profound neglect. This was the thing that terrified me the most about getting into any kind of relationship for years, fear of rejection. I isolated myself for years because I have major trust issues. I know that we clashed a bit a couple of times before, and neither of us were on our best behavior. I’m at fault here too. But this was my worst nightmare, opening myself up to trust and love someone, just to get my ass handed to me.

I know exactly what folks on here will tell me ... give space, don’t pursue, let him go, he may or may not come back (seriously, he was pretty damn cold and clinical with that Dear Jane email), etc. I know I need to get help for myself, and I’m setting things up for that today. My self-esteem is so low right now I’d have to climb down a manhole to find what might be left of it.

Any suggestions for books that might help me get through the effed-up grieving process that’s in the cards for me? I had a severe major depressive episode beginning back in 2014, which I won’t go into right now, but it pretty much destroyed my life for a long time. I was just starting to pull my life back together again when my friend reached out to reconnect (we knew each other in high school, first boy I ever kissed, first sexual experience, etc.). I hadn’t seen him in over 30 years. It’s a great story, right? Long lost love and all that jazz. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

Anyway, just wanted to unload a little of this burden on my soul. I don’t get over stuff like this easily, and I needed to be much healthier and more stable before getting into this so fast and so deep. I was actually planning to move from PA to TX to live with him, make life plans. Within the next month! At least I dodged that bullet, right? Anyway, I’ll shut up now. Have a good day all.
 
Wow. I am so sorry to hear this. Your post reminded me exactly what I just recently went through. You can read my past posts here...

Girlfriend loves me but says can't be with me

Update...girlfriend with ptsd forces herself to leave me

To sum up quickly... Met an amazing girl, fell in love and we decided to move in together 8 months into our relationship. 25 days later after moving in she brought the moving truck with just a hour's notice saying she had to leave. Luckily for me we talked things out a bunch over 3 weeks until she officially broke things off with me and since that day she has been radio silent.

I as well have abandonment issues and anxieties as well that has made it so hard to let go. In the 10 weeks since I last heard from her I've sent her 5 loving emails and not a word back and am at the point where I am finally ready to let go without looking back.

My biggest recommendation for you is go to a therapist that specializes and PTSD and anxieties. I have seen my therapist 1-2 times a week since everything went down and it helps so much. Not only have I learned about PTSD and the reasons why everything happened, but I learned about myself and why I act in certain ways that is fascinating. Most importantly, at the stage you are at, you just need someone to air everything out and help you get through this trauma of loss.

I don't know if you are a sports fan... but Kevin Love, an NBA All-Star, recently opened up about his inner demons and how he even missed a game because his anxiety was so powerful. It was an extremely motivating piece for me.

It's not letting me post the link but just Google Kevin Love Players Tribune and you will find it.

I hope this all helps. As hard as it is, and trust me I know, you have to try and just take care of yourself right now. God bless
 
Yeah, me too. It really sucks. I’ve contacted a couple of trauma-focused therapists today, and hopefully one will respond soon. In the interim I will continue to visit here and share and learn from you all.

I suffer from both the depression and a seizure disorder, which is what caused my massive spiral down starting in 2014. I found out about seizures and epilepsy the fun way...I was in my car one morning, lived in Seattle at the time. I was at a red light about to hop on I-5 during rush hour, but made a last minute decision to go straight and get on WA-167 instead, hoping for lighter traffic. Light turns green, I take my foot off the brake and start rolling again...

The next I remember, I’m waking up in the back of an ambulance, losing my shit because I have no idea what’s happened to me. So, apparently, I had a grand mal seizure right when I started through that light, ran across two lanes of oncoming traffic that had a green light, and rolled into a brick retaining wall. They had to haz-mat my car due to all the blood when I tried to bite my damn tongue off. The paramedics left deep purple bruises in the shape of handprints all over my arms and legs from them restraining me when I came to in the car, trying to get me out. Apparently I gave them a run for their money and got in a couple of good licks myself.

There’s a whole hell of a lot more that happened subsequently, but I’ll save some of that manifesto for later. But anyway, ladies, there’s this lovely subtype of seizure disorder called catamenial epilepsy, which is triggered by your lovely lady hormones. It can occur in girls reaching puberty, pregnant or lactating women, menopausal women, or just those cursed few who drew a short straw. Bleed every 30 days for 30 effing years, and now I have to deal with this bullshit. It may or may not resolve after I finish this nightmare, but no one can really say.

Anyway, I think I may have a dose of the PTSD myself at this point, and I do not want this to send me back down to that dark place where no light exists.

Thanks for your kind words. Stay tuned for season 1, episode 2.
 
You have said several things things that makes me feel that you should be evaluated for PTSD.

I'm sorry for all you have been through. I have learned that people have different ideas how big or little a fight was based on what their parents fights were like. We're they loud or did they give each other the silent treatment?
 
so sorry, I accidentally clicked the wrong thread. Disregard my now deleted post.

What you went through sounds super painful @Tracee you've been through some really hard stuff. It does sound like therapy would be a good idea. I can't think of any books but I think it's great you are reaching out here.

I don't know if this will help, but I'm a runner. I have mostly stayed out of relationships because of this. I get into relationships and ignore all kinds of warning signs that I'm not doing well and then one thing will put me over the edge. Then it's panic and flee. I don't do it to the extreme your boyfriend did, but I do run like hell and want to cut contact. And that is not about the other person. By then my mind is so full of fear, self-recrimination, confusion and doubt that I can't think beyond that. I feel bad for the other person but I can't find a way to deal my boyfriend or girlfriend without being awful. I know I'm all caught up in the past and figure I'll be super reactive and unfair. And that just makes me feel worse about myself and the cycle continues.... which is a really long way of saying try not to think his actions are a judgement on you.
 
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So sorry he ended it like that -- that sucks.

My go to book is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk It talks a ton about the mind/body connection of ptsd and how it all its together
 
@Fadeaway I did. i feel like a dork now. I meant to post in the Rant thread. It must have been right next to it. I edited my previous post so it's not completely off topic.
 
Hi all,

I just joined this forum yesterday, and it’s already been incredibly helpful. The situation...
Oh girl. Can I relate! I’m trying so hard to be strong and just focus on me but it’s not easy. I really have no idea if the man I met will ever return to “normal” or if the PTSD behavior IS the new normal. I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’s so hard to deal with abandonment. I hope you have someone to hug you today.
 
I kinda feel like I’m in the dane boat. My husband and I have been together almost 16 years. He had a major flare a few months ago and he is all over the place. One day he wants to try and work on us after he fixes himself and the next he is done. The back and forth is killing me. It doesn’t help that due to military circumstances, upcoming retirement, school and a special needs child have us living half way across the country from each other.
He feels like he doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore. His therapist suggested social media to him to meet people so he could learn to talk to people so he could talk to me. The problem is it’s other women he’s talking to. I completely believe him when he says he has made it clear that he is looking for friendship only and he knows he is not in a place to be in a relationship. Things he has said about some of his new friends, it doesn’t seem like they understand that. My biggest fear is that if he is detached from me, when he’s ready to try to fix us he won’t be completely in it because he’s attached to her. He’ll only try for our daughter and it’ll be a half assed attempt so he can say he tried before he walked away. My life is going down the drain and there is nothing I can do about it.
 
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