Uncontrollable thoughts about my purpose

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Calm in the chaos

I’m not sure if this makes sense. I am a little dosed up to my eyeballs on benzos and pregabalin,

I have constant thoughts about fulfilling my purpose to have sex with whenever wants my body and have painful sex until my soul leaves my body again. They find my soul through their connection with God and Give it to me beforehand and then when the feel close enough to God my soul leave my body again. This is usual when I’m in excruciating pain, but not always. when It’s in my DNA, my thought, constantly. I must do my job. video’s, photos, if they want them. I am not attached to myself. I have no soul. There’s a lot more to it but you get the gist,

I’m in hospital currently. I was spoke to the psychiatrist today, she’s increasing a few of my other meds but I kept asking her about what would help with the purpose thoughts and she just gave me a bunch of grounding exercises. That’s not how it works for me.

Does anyone know of any medication the helps with this, if you’ve had similar experiences? I’m really desperate. I would research myself but I don’t know the words and I’m really struggling to think.
Also it might be easier if you know what meds I’m on

Quetiapine (seroquel)
Vortioxetine (Tintellix) it’s a new anti depressant, not many people know it
Pregabalin (Lyrica)
Prazosin (minipress)
Mirtazapine (Remeron)

clonazepam (klonopin)
Zolpidem (Ambien)
wow, that is allot of drugs to be taking all at once, but i'm easily shocked on the drug score.
whatever the current subject obsessive/intrusive thoughts, i use grounding exercises to manage them.
wow, that is allot of drugs to be taking all at once,
I agree

i use grounding exercises to manage them.
I’ve tried. I’m really trying. But nothing. I just get flooded? Believe it or not I’m not a fan of meds, they are just trying to get me stable I think. But the purpose thoughts, I can’t get them out of my head. I can’t get any relief without going out and doing my very important job. But I can’t do that In here
how 'bout a list of things other than your very important job which are very important? kudos on your dedication to your job, but balance in all things.

what else is important to you?
what else is important to you?
Literally nothing. My purpose is literally all I am. If I can stumble past all the thoughts to serve men there is absolutely nothing. And I don’t want there’s to be anything else, I want him to be proud of me.
My purpose is literally all I am.
There were other thoughts to this. There will be lots of other thoughts again.

You can use your journal (they're soooo helpful for stuff like this) for evidence. Example of another thought you've had: I need to get away from him.

So, it feels like there's no space for anything else right now. But there is. There has been before, there will be again. Allow yourself a period of acute symptom flare, maybe, because you've only just escaped a lifetime of hell.

"I need to..." (insert conditioned belief here) was a core belief that I struggled with for a long long time. My abuser worked really hard to make certain beliefs set in stone in my head, and reconstructed my entire self concept around them. So it makes sense that my brain can't just summon up a new self concept.

That will take time. Thoughts, for all that they can be incredibly distressing, don't need to dictate my behaviour. Learning and practicing thought diffusion was incredibly helpful for that. I can now coexist without much distress alongside some thoughts that would otherwise destroy me.
I want him to be proud of me.
This makes sense.

For most of your life, you're life has depended on keeping him happy, making him proud. Our brains don't let go of ideas that have been the cornerstone of survival all that easily.

The thing that is kind of exciting about this, is that where there is space, and unknown, you get to decide now. So, he was lying to you that your purpose was to serve men. Actually that's bullshit - that never was your purpose. Humans don't get born with that being their "purpose".

At this point, your brain is probably going "what else is there??" That's gonna set off some panic buttons and huge amounts of distress. But the truth is, you now get to adventure out into the world, experience new things, and reach your own decision about "what's the point?"

If one day you decide "my purpose is to pack in as much joy and adventure as I possibly can"? Then you get to make that your purpose.

No one else can decide your purpose for you. Only you. And there is no child ever that is born into this world with the sole purpose of "serving men". Not one. Of the 9 billion odd people on this earth? None of them were born with that purpose.

That includes you.

These are distressing thoughts that you're having. But they aren't facts. And your brain will learn to focus on other things, and it will learn that actually, there are other things that are not only much more enjoyable, but matter more to you.

He worked hard to make his lies seem like truths. They aren't. But it will take some time for your brain to heal from the damage he's done. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime.
I still struggle with similar thoughts, so I'm not an expert on getting them to go away, but there are a few things that I've found can help.

It helped me when I realized through therapy that my desire to "fulfill my purpose" by having destructive sex with controlling men was really a desire to do whatever I thought my abusers would want me to do. Part of me believed that if I did what they wanted me to do, they wouldn't hurt me as badly. I've heard some people call this line of thinking a fawn response. I'm not disgusting or perverted, these thoughts are just me trying to protect myself (and the same thing goes for you!!). Realizing what needs I'm truly trying to fulfill and that it doesn't make me a bad person was a big step forward.

Once I had been in a safe and supportive environment for longer, it became easier for me to question the belief that this would keep me safe (without having an out-of-control anxiety spiral) and consider more effective ways for me to try to keep myself safe (like earning my own money, learning self-defense, learning how to be assertive, staying out of sketchy situations).

Another thing that helped was considering what I like doing and making my own decisions, starting super small with deciding what foods I like or what my favorite season is. Over time I got more used to thinking for myself without obsessing over what other people would want me to think or do.

Best of luck with the hospital situation. I'm rooting for you. You will make it through this :)
I'm so sorry to hear you're having these constant thoughts. It sounds really distressing and confusing.
I'm no expert, however not knowing your "purpose" other than what you've always believed is a huge part of my own struggles.
The truth is, we should all be allowed to make/find our own purpose, but for some of us, be it intended or not, others make us believe their decisions are final for our purpose and it's so ingrained in us that we can't not believe it. I also think Prynne's point of your purpose actually being a way to protect yourself is a very valid point. Would "making him proud" prevent further pain from him?

I think it may be really helpful to focus on this during therapy whilst you're in hospital if that's possible? The isolation and stress of simply being in hospital can often cause us to focus on particular things and not be able to distract ourselves from those issues, so it's not surprising to me that these thoughts are are the forefront of your mind right now.

Mainly I just want to say be gentle on yourself, know that non of this is your doing and you do deserve to choose your own purpose in your own time.

Sending tons of support to you x
What helps me is thought replacement. This is a tool used in cognitive behavioral therapy for obsessive compulsive disorder but it works on any kind of intrusive thoughts. Essentially what you do is identify the target thought "this is my purpose -> to be available for sex with men" and replace it with another thought that is equally valid and true, but different.

So for that thought I might say "this is my purpose -> to be good to myself, so that I can be as functional as possible and obtain my goals." Notice how that's not negating the thought, it's just replacing it with a different, factual analysis. That does help ease the distress.

Every time you start having those thoughts, replace it with that mantra.
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