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Under the microscope - what have you noticed about yourself that you didn’t know before therapy?

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I’ve been curious about this awhile. When we go to therapy for awhile we inevitably get to see (sometimes much to our horror) our own patterns and habits that play out in that room. So I want to know, what have you noticed about yourself that you didn’t know before you started therapy?

I notice way more than before how I use humor when I’m uncomfortable and also how humor is the easiest and fastest way to bring connection back when there’s any sort of rupture. I notice that I tend to brag subtly in therapy about myself rather than talk about where I’m struggling, I guess that old habit of having it look like I gave it all together. I notice I can be a bit of a know-it-all like if the therapist mentions something that I’ve heard of before, rather than try to listen to t’s perspective on it I stop listening cause “I already know that”. I notice when I look away and when I am sort of leaving the room a bit (in my head). I notice that I make things about the therapist a lot and when t self-discloses like I ask I get bored very quickly. Cause while I don’t want the attention on me I certainly don’t want it on t, either. And I know why that shows up. It’s all incredibly fascinating. So what do you notice?
 
I use the humor thing to but I've known that forever, it was how I coped with things growing up....

The only thing I can think of is that I tend to notice things I do when I get really emotional because I don't like showing emotions so I try to keep them in, and I'll start to fidget more etc, I kinda laugh about it now because I can tell but I know he can too. It's weird having someone know me enough to read my body language and know when I am avoiding etc
 
I change the subject when things get uncomfortable. Rapidly redirecting the conversation...bang, bang, bang. I’ve only recently noticed this. The other day she simply asked how I was going - but it wasn’t an offhand question but one requiring a deeper response. Nope. Not today. Let’s not go there. When my t puts a little more pressure on to keep me on track or dig deeper dissociation comes into play so it’s a bit of a balancing act.
 
I dealt with a lot of crap as a 10-15 year old and part of that was burying it. Going back through it in my mid to late 40's as an adult did not make it easier. I found that what happened to me angers me more as an adult who understands what was done more than I was angered as a child. I think I dissociated more and buried memories. Now I wonder if I had more sense then than now.
 
I discovered how often I fear abandonment and that my trust issues are also hard to deal with. I discovered that I watch the clock to plan how much and when to say stuff. In real life I could care less what people wear. In therapy I become obsessive with my T’s outfits and hair style.
 
I've learned so much about myself since I started therapy. When I went initially I thought my childhood hadn't actually affected me that much. I was only going for growth purposes and try not to pass any negative traits I had picked up from my childhood onto my kids....Oh how wrong I was.

I've discovered that I have severe attachment issues that impact all aspects of my life. I also have huge abandonment issues which impact my relationships specifically with my husband. I cannot feel my feelings and have spent a lot of my life numbing out. I was not aware of this at all until I started therapy. There are so many more things I've discovered and learnt about myself but I don't have time to write them all now.
 
I looked back and can see so much pattern in me. From my hobbies to a lot of my life wishes. I also understand the part of wanting something to focus on. I always carry my crochet bag when I go somewhere that will make me nervous. It is something that is done quietly (I hate loud noises) and most people have no problem that I'm sitting there doing it. I just participate in the conversation one in a while and then they can't accuse me of not wanting to be there, or ignoring them.
 
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