Underlying heaviness

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I'm stuck in this place I just can't escape. No matter what I do - exercise, volunteer work, play with the cats - I feel this intense heaviness that underlies everything. I thought that getting paid work might help and I finally did get some part-time seasonal work, but that has made it worse. I start next week, and I just want to disappear into the woodwork.

This has been an ongoing issue - for a long time - although it seems to lift occasionally. When it does, it isn't gone for long. And it's worse. The only time I feel a genuine lift is when I am photographing animals outside. And sometimes it takes seeing something new - an insect or bird I've never seen around here -to make a difference.

I've been doing all sorts of things to help - eating better, exercising (or at least moving around, walking) more, I have new cats, I'm taking some courses to improve my skills so I can work more freelance, getting out a lot more, staying connected with church, etc.... And it's not so much that it's overwhelming; I'm not doing *too* much - I get plenty of down time.

I was so depressed today, I just went to bed and slept for 4 hours. Woke feeling worse. It's hard to drag myself around to do anything.

Guess I just needed someone to hear. Thanks.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
What's the job that you start next week? Kudos for trying everything you can.
I'm going to be reviewing and scoring standardized tests. They had to cancel the projects last April because no one was testing, but there has been some done since, so I finally have work. I've worked for this company before (although not remote), and I really liked the work, but part of that was that I was around like-minded people. On breaks, the talk was never the petty kind of gossip that is so prevalent in workplaces; everyone was educated (you have to have at minimum a BA to work there) and they all kept discussion at a pretty "high" level (sorry, I don't know how else to say that). It was kind of like I found my people. LOL Doing the work remotely will be different.

But I think the reason it's worse since learning about the job is because their instructions are militant - they are aggressive and demanding. If I didn't know the work already, I absolutely wouldn't work there just because their paperwork has a really offensive tone. Every sentence is "You will" or "Do NOT" or "it is imperative" and is really a turn-off. I don't handle that kind of "management" very well. Many, many places are like that and I think it's one reason I really hate working.
 
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