Unfamiliar With This Feeling

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Just had therapy with T, told her about the report card comments from when I was little and when things changed. A funny feeling came over me and I had to sit on the floor. I felt so little, I still do, I don't remember leaving her office, I remember bits of going home. Like standing in the middle of a busy road trying to cross 5 lanes of traffic. But I keep slipping into different levels of feeling little. I want to call T because I don't like this feeling and it's new, but sometimes my voice gets little and I don't want her to hear that. Is this dissociation? I dissociate lots but this feels different. I feel so little inside and out, I want T's hug or her hand to hold so it makes this feeling end.
 
I can really, really relate, especially now that things are becoming more intimate. We are building trust that has taken a long time! I want to share with you...can we talk off site on BBM? Big, comforting hugs to "little you"!
 

Born to Run

MyPTSD Pro
I totally understand. It is a child state that is currently dominating you. That is perfectly ok. To process and integrate the child states in us, we often need to go back and feel how it was then, how there was no one to hold your hand and make that feeling go away. It is that pain of the child that helps you process and progress and it is a necessary part of therapy, at least in my therapy too. All I can say, is what my therapist always says, just feel it. Connect to it, as this little lost child needs to be heard and needs to heal, so it can become part of you the adult person. An option is to visualize that your therapist is there next to you and holding your hand, to imagine you do have support. This can help the unease of this child.
I do not think this is dissociation as you feel a lot that is going on, while dissociation is not feeling a lot.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@Pencil maybe I need to read it later, right now it isn't making sense when I try. I can't see the connection between how I feel and how they feel.

@Born to Run It doesn't feel ok, it feels scary and dangerous. It's new, I've never ever felt like this and T isn't here to help it make sense. I put the little kid in a closet a long time ago, and only recently saw images of me blocking the door with a chair to keep her in there. I don't know if I'm ready for this. It's new and scary. I don't like feeling so little.
 
This exact thing happened to me recently, but outside the confines of a therapy session. I ended up just getting myself home and staying curled up in bed for five hours. Eventually, it passed. It will pass for you, too. Just make sure that you are safe while it's still happening.

And yes, this is disaociation. Just different from the kind of dissociation where our minds disconnect completely.
 

Pencil

MyPTSD Pro
I don't like feeling so little
It isn't pleasant. I block it all the time, but never very successfully. I don't know what to say to you, except that I'm sure your T will see this as a breakthrough. What a therapist told me was to wrap the child in a soft blanket, tell her she'll be okay till you see your T again. Just keep her safe. Don't lock her up. Don't barricade the door.

I also thought that reading a long thread now is not possible. In fact, it was a really dumb idea. I referred you to the thread because I am 4 / have a 4 yo, and so although I relate, I have no words of wisdom or comfort.
 

Born to Run

MyPTSD Pro
If you feel it is too much for you to handle on your own and scary, could you phone/email your therapist? It seems the child wants to come out of the closet, and as she was blocked it will not be a pleasant encounter. I know this is very hard. Take care.
 

Springer80

MyPTSD Pro
Try not to freak out, it is very common and in fact natural in these perverse circumstances.
I know it feels dangerous, in the sense that, relinquishing control to somebody so traumatised would be. And you say your not ready, well I don't think anyone who goes through this would say at the time that they were. However, you must have got yourself to a stage were your body can cope with this otherwise it wouldn't be starting (and you wouldn't have had the dream).

All I can say is, tell your T, write it down, draw what you feel with your eyes closed perhaps. But this will happen. It needs to and you will find a way to allow time for this part of you. Allow it to be. SIt with it. Teach yourself to sit and feel it.

Don't panic, you are not cracking up.

:hug:
 
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