• All donations and upgrades are manually verified and approved within 24hrs.
  • Upgrades are ongoing. Learn how to save your bookmarked posts.

unknowingly participated in BDSM? (Ageplay)

Thread starter #1
Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right section of forums to post under. If anyone is in the BDSM scene, I would love to hear your opinion on this and anyone else on what you think because I'm really confused and panicked that I'm crazy.

So my PTSD is a clusterf*ck and I'm just going to single out this one aspect of it. I was in a 4+ year domestic abuse relationship, starting when I was 17 with another 17 year old classmate. Basically, the end result was that I was stripped of all agency and my identity (even forced to have a new name). I've been journaling to figure things out and all these little pieces laid out helped me connect something to a bigger picture.

Sorry this is kind of all over the place. I'm not really sure how to logically lay it out. This seems unrelated but it will connect soon. Recently, I've been looking into sub/dom relationship and pretty much researching and reading about it and how people with ptsd have benefited from it, etc. I don't know if I'm really that interested in it, which is why I was just reading. Something that doesn't appeal to me at all (no kinkshame, just me personally not interested) is ageplay/littles. I'm not well-versed in ageplay and now that I'm realizing things, I'm going to read about it more.

Okay, so I had zero knowledge on BDSM at 17 and until the past year-ish, my only knowledge came from fanfiction which I ofc I took with a grain of salt. My ex and I didn't have sex often so I never thought of parts of my abuse in terms of BDSM, though now I know that kink goes beyond only sexual. My partner was very dominant over me and worked to make it feel like she owned my body, or my body was an object. There was a LOT of psychological abuse and one of the things that I keep hidden because it makes me feel ashamed because it's "weird". It happened slowly and I don't know how it ended up a permanent 24/7 deal but it did--I acted liked a child/baby. Now I can see that it was me manipulated and forced into playing this role. It wasn't ALL bad, it allowed some part of dissociation to escape the hell my ex created but I also did not like it and felt humiliated.

Here's what I mean with acting like a child: I had to talk in a lisp sort of way like "hewwo", and I even had to text like that, with words chopped into how little kids can't properly say things. She referred to me as "baby" in a very not term of affection like sweetheart, but as if I was a baby, like How Is Baby Doing? and she wouldn't hug me but more like she would cradle me in her lap. She would do things like "Where's the baby?" with hands over her eyes and then "There she is!" (I got by he/him pronouns now btw) and other baby games like that. I played along though I didn't like it, it didn't give me joy and I would be so exhausted to put on this "baby" mask of making her happy by clapping and saying Here I am! I don't know, this is just stuff off the top of my head and on the surface of how deep it went. It was much more than just this.

I really hope I'm not insulting anyone into ageplay, if my wording is coming across negatively or ignorant. I don't know if I did a good job explaining how she treated me but once I connected the dots--other things of control of only being able to shower with her where she had to wash me and her dressing me and also accompanying me to the bathroom to sit on my lap while I peed *every time* now seem to fit more into this ageplay role (like the bad type I've read of people's experiences with it) in a way idk how to explain. Just from reading people into ageplay and their experiences and how it *should* be in terms of a healthy relationship--everything hits spot on that it's scary. It's like if you took it but then had it on a nonconsensual partner or all the warning signs of a bad daddy/mommy/etc fit my ex. I know I'm new to this but I've been reading from different sources and every thing I've read on ageplay hits the nail. Although I know this is a horrible version of it gone wrong.

BDSM is something we never discussed. She used to go on youtube bingewatches of random things and I remember a phase of where she watched some videos of documentary-like things on ageplay and she made fun of it and was disgusted by it. I'm really confused, can BDSM-type things pop up unknowingly? I don't know what to do in terms of healing from this or how to understand this. Every time I try searching for nonconsenual or forced kink, I come across porn/fanfiction where that's something people are into or articles on how ageplay helps PTSD pops up. I just don't know how to find things about not being aware of something while it was happening.

Is this something anyone else has experienced? I had a hard time finding forums on it. Am I crazy and seeing things because I'm reading up on this stuff and so my brain is making connections because of that? It's just that everything I've read so far is SO SPOT ON it's scaring me but also SO relieving like it makes so much sense, pieces that I didn't get now make sense. I feel like I didn't do a good job writing everything she had me do and act but it was 24/7 forced to talking and acting like a child, like if you made a scene an all time thing. Maybe this is something outside of kink, a common thing abusers have done? I just don't know how it went so in depth. And reading about not proper after care and what happens without after care etc...it's exactly like these meltdowns I'd have when she'd just abruptly ignore me or isolate me that I haven't been able to categorize as panic attacks or any other type of meltdowns I have. I also feel like maybe I took a "little" persona on bc it became deeply ingrained? the name she forced me to have feels like a tiny part inside of me that panics about not having my ex in the weird way of not having a parental figure and I deeply suppress and pretend this doesn't exist, I never want to acknowledge [that name].

I don't know, I'm so sorry this is so long and if you read this, thank you. I didn't mean to write this much I'm just panicking and I have no one to talk to about this. I'm working on getting a trauma therapist and doing a bunch of DBT/ACT/CBT exercises and working really hard but this just...I don't know how to process it. The only people I have in my life to talk to is my mom and my sisters and this feels deeply uncomfortable to discuss with them.

I'm sorry if this was all very ignorant.

tl;dr: my ex forced me to talk and act like a baby. was this ageplay? can 2 ppl who don't know BDSM somehow fall into the kink without knowing? (possible that she knew and manipulated me)
 
#2
Hi @littleprince, welcome! And sorry for what you have been through.

I'm not sure I have answers,but from my perspective (lesbian, large part of my relationship when it started was 'BDSM', if a label needs to be put on it. I have only brushed the surface of it in therapy, as it makes me hyperventilate as, whilst I very willingly consented to everything, I also know I did things that weren't entirely healthy. But I will leave that there).

What you describe, in my opinion, is abuse. She manipulated you and made you behave and become whatever it is she wanted. That is control. That is abuse.

'BDSM' (and I put it in quotes, because one person's version is another person's sex - I mean, who decides what is what?), Is meant to be about consent. Consent. Discussion. Everyone engaging in it knowing the rules, the ways it stops, where to go with it. Consent consent consent. Everyone has autonomy. That is key. Even when being dominated (which I was), a submissive has total autonomy in what happens, how it happens, when it happens and how it ends. If there is no autonomy, then in my view, it is abuse.

Whether your ex called it BDSM or whatever, does that matter?
What matters is how you felt. What matters is how you feel about it now.

I'm not sure I can comment on the ageplay. But I would say that ageplay would involve discussion too? What you describe just to me sounds abuse. Maybe 'coercive control' is more inline with what you experienced? And she used you, your body, your name, your voice, this notion of making you a baby, etc all as ways to abuse? All of which is really explaining why it was so in-depth. She sounds highly skilled at manipulation.

I hope the panic settles down. Are you able to pinpoint what the panic relates to? (You obviously don't need to respond to that question on here).
 
#3
I've been thinking about your questions , mainly because I've just had therapy today and my own stuff about 'BDSM' elements.
But I just wanted to add:
You don't need to be an active member of a community to behave in a certain way.
You don't need to acknowledge a label for it to be something that falls in or out of a category.

I write that as you have been asking if you (and she) unknowingly engaged in BDSM.
Maybe there were elements of that that she isn't/wasn't able to recognise. I can't say. But what matters is what happened, rather than the label you, her or anyone else wants to put on it.

And I stand by what I said before: BDSM is about consent and discussion, what you describe she did and how she made you behave is abuse.

Sending you healing vibes @littleprince
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
#4
Hi.

I guess I want to start by saying that I think you have worded your post really respectfully. I appreciate that.

I also want to say I have recognised my BDSM interests , felt engaged in them but now in retrospect feel they are not helpful to me . I am really interested at the idea of kink as therapy because frankly / I have seen a lot of abuse and some damaging thought processes set up that way. I’m not saying it doesn’t work - for a while certainly it was great for me - but i know see how it reinforced some damaging beliefs I have and entrenched some behaviours.

you aren’t alone in walking unseeingly into this sort of situation either. That’s not my situation - but many kinksters relate that their first experience was in a relationship where they didn’t realise it was kinky. That’s how lots of good and bad things are discovered! So it can be abusive or not.
 
Top Bottom